"Nobody can hurt me. That's my job." - Byron Katie
Byron Katie says that what hurts us - what we suffer about - is not what happens but rather, the painful conclusions we draw and then live out. I have found that to be true in my life, especially when I feel 'hurt' by someone else. I realize, through The Work, that they did what they did once and then I keep hurting myself over and over again.
I have also found that the key to freedom in any relationship is understanding the three kinds of 'business' in life that Katie talks about - yours, mine, and God's - and that when I am out of my own business, I suffer, period. What you do is your business. How I react to what you do is my business. When I leave me and go into your business (what I think you should have/shouldn't have done etc.) then there's nobody here with me. I feel alone and unloved, not because you left me, but because I left me.
So I woke up Saturday morning with Whitney Houston's song Heartbreak Hotel in my head for some strange reason. It's a typical "you hurt me" song that so many women can relate to, one of many popular songs expressing the same old pain over and over again. "Men shouldn't lie. Is that true?" What's the reality of it? Men lie. And so do women, especially to ourselves when we say that men shouldn't lie, when in reality they do! It's called being human. If we knew how to tell the truth all the time, we would.
One of the biggest lies of all is "I need your love in order to be happy."
Anyway, as I was singing the words, a switch flipped on in my mind and I decided to turn it all around. Suddenly it becomes an anthem to Katie's advice to give YOURSELF whatever you think others should give you. Fascinating! I think I discovered a whole new genre of music waiting to be released!
Heartbreak Hotel - the turnaround version
You said that you’d be here by nine
And said you took my time
You didn't think to call me
Here I sit trying not to cry
Asking myself why I do this to me
Since I’m not around for me to tell me baby, face to face
I'm writing me this letter, and this is what I have to say:
All I really wanted was some of my time
Instead I told me lies when someone else was on my mind
What I do to me
Look what I did to me
I thought that I was someone who would do me right
Until I play with my emotions and I made me cry
What I do to me
Can't take what I did to me
Now I see that I've been doing wrong
I played me all along, and made a fool of me, baby
I got it all wrong to think that I wouldn't find out
That I was cheating on me.
How could I do it to me?
This is the heartbreak hotel
This is the heartbreak hotel...
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
"My neighbors should bring their trash cans in"
From October 17, 2006 9:10pm
I had recently moved to a new street and didn't like the view from my front porch. Every day I would look across the street at a duplex that housed a family on one side that never brought their trash cans in off the curb. Trash would overflow everywhere and blow all over the street. There was even a blue Rite-Aid shopping cart permanently parked in front of the house. I hated looking at it all and I hated finding their trash in my yard for weeks and weeks. I began to regret moving to this street and wondered if we'd made the right choice.
I had decided earlier to try The Work on something that seemed really petty and this seemed to be a good fit. Turns out I was the one that needed to pick up the garbage - in my thinking.
The best part of this piece were the turnarounds and that's what I want to share in this post.
Here is what I wrote out on my "Judge Your Neighbor" Worksheet:
My neighbors should bring their trash cans in.
They should get rid of all their garbage in front of the house.
They make the street look like a dump.
It makes me angry to have to pick up their trash in my yard.
They are disgusting pigs and I want them to leave.
It’s disgusting that they would just leave it there, all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.
I can’t believe they just leave trash all over the place.
I hate looking at their garbage.
It makes the street look like a ghetto, makes my neighborhood look trashy.
They are bringing down the property value.
I hate looking at the view across the street – that duplex is a dump.
Now, check out these turnarounds....
I should bring my neighbors’ trash cans in.
-What looked like an fuming eyesore 10 minutes ago now genuinely occurs as an opportunity to love and serve my neighbor. For whatever reason, they aren't able to take care of their trash and I certainly have the capacity to do something about it. May as well take the shopping cart back to Rite-Aid while I'm at it...
I should get rid of all their garbage in front of the house.
-Yes! I'm the one who has a problem with it! And I should also get rid of all the garbage in my thinking.
I make the street look like a dump
-I can see that - I don't pick up the garbage - the garbage that I have a problem with. I don't do anything about it. I don't take care of my community.
I love to have to pick up MY trash in my yard.
-If it's in MY yard, it's MY trash! And I love keeping my yard clean so yes, this is totally true.
I am a disgusting pig and I want me to leave.
-Yes, when I make trash more important than people, that is really disgusting to me. I want me to leave the house, leave my trashy thinking, and go meet the neighbors.
It’s perfect that they would just leave it there, all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.
-That's right, because that's what is. It is perfect. I get to do The Work on it, I get to see where I am stuck, and I get to set myself free. All because of the trash. I am beginning to love the trash.
Side note: I can also see the possibility that God put me on this street just for these people. Who knows? And if He's going to use trash as a way to get my attention, it is indeed perfect that they would just leave it there all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.
I can’t believe I just leave trash all over the place.
-Yep, that's right. I actually leave the trash in my front yard just to prove a point and make them wrong! "SEE! Your friggin' trash is in MY yard!"
I love looking at my garbage.
-That's totally true. I say I love transformation. And transformation, in my experience, is all about looking at your garbage.
It makes the street look like heaven, makes my neighborhood look perfect.
-With the belief, I treat God like a fool - like there couldn't possibly be any divine purpose in me being on this street with these neighbors and that garbage. Without the belief, I can see the possibility that this is exactly where I need to be. Also, when I just deal with what IS, and question the stressful stories I create, then I can see that things are perfect exactly as they are. And that is heaven.
I am bringing down the property value.
-True, by not picking up the trash in my yard, or the trash in my neighborhood. I am also bringing down the people value in my thinking.
I love looking at the view across the street – that duplex is wonderful.
-Yes, without the belief that "My neighbors should pick up their trash" I can actually see human beings over there - human beings just like me who are doing the best they can with what they have. If they knew how to pick up their garbage, they would. Without the belief I am returned to my deep commitment to love others and serve humanity. This duplex is no exception. I can honestly see that now.
After I did The Work, I was compelled into loving action - I couldn't help it - there wasn't anything I could do about it. With hubby's help, all the garbage was secretly cleaned up late one night and the shopping cart went home to Rite-Aid. The next weekend I took the opportunity to meet my neighbors - a two-year-old and a young single mom on government assistance. Ironically, they moved a month later. God must have a sense of humor.
I had recently moved to a new street and didn't like the view from my front porch. Every day I would look across the street at a duplex that housed a family on one side that never brought their trash cans in off the curb. Trash would overflow everywhere and blow all over the street. There was even a blue Rite-Aid shopping cart permanently parked in front of the house. I hated looking at it all and I hated finding their trash in my yard for weeks and weeks. I began to regret moving to this street and wondered if we'd made the right choice.
I had decided earlier to try The Work on something that seemed really petty and this seemed to be a good fit. Turns out I was the one that needed to pick up the garbage - in my thinking.
Through doing The Work, the most startling realization I had was that with the belief "My neighbors should pick up their garbage", I treat garbage as more important than people. Before doing The Work on this, I never even took the time to meet the family who lived there because all I could see was their trash. I hated people I didn't even know. I claim to be a 'loving' person, and that realization broke my heart.
The best part of this piece were the turnarounds and that's what I want to share in this post.
Here is what I wrote out on my "Judge Your Neighbor" Worksheet:
My neighbors should bring their trash cans in.
They should get rid of all their garbage in front of the house.
They make the street look like a dump.
It makes me angry to have to pick up their trash in my yard.
They are disgusting pigs and I want them to leave.
It’s disgusting that they would just leave it there, all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.
I can’t believe they just leave trash all over the place.
I hate looking at their garbage.
It makes the street look like a ghetto, makes my neighborhood look trashy.
They are bringing down the property value.
I hate looking at the view across the street – that duplex is a dump.
Now, check out these turnarounds....
I should bring my neighbors’ trash cans in.
-What looked like an fuming eyesore 10 minutes ago now genuinely occurs as an opportunity to love and serve my neighbor. For whatever reason, they aren't able to take care of their trash and I certainly have the capacity to do something about it. May as well take the shopping cart back to Rite-Aid while I'm at it...
I should get rid of all their garbage in front of the house.
-Yes! I'm the one who has a problem with it! And I should also get rid of all the garbage in my thinking.
I make the street look like a dump
-I can see that - I don't pick up the garbage - the garbage that I have a problem with. I don't do anything about it. I don't take care of my community.
I love to have to pick up MY trash in my yard.
-If it's in MY yard, it's MY trash! And I love keeping my yard clean so yes, this is totally true.
I am a disgusting pig and I want me to leave.
-Yes, when I make trash more important than people, that is really disgusting to me. I want me to leave the house, leave my trashy thinking, and go meet the neighbors.
It’s perfect that they would just leave it there, all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.
-That's right, because that's what is. It is perfect. I get to do The Work on it, I get to see where I am stuck, and I get to set myself free. All because of the trash. I am beginning to love the trash.
Side note: I can also see the possibility that God put me on this street just for these people. Who knows? And if He's going to use trash as a way to get my attention, it is indeed perfect that they would just leave it there all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.
I can’t believe I just leave trash all over the place.
-Yep, that's right. I actually leave the trash in my front yard just to prove a point and make them wrong! "SEE! Your friggin' trash is in MY yard!"
I love looking at my garbage.
-That's totally true. I say I love transformation. And transformation, in my experience, is all about looking at your garbage.
It makes the street look like heaven, makes my neighborhood look perfect.
-With the belief, I treat God like a fool - like there couldn't possibly be any divine purpose in me being on this street with these neighbors and that garbage. Without the belief, I can see the possibility that this is exactly where I need to be. Also, when I just deal with what IS, and question the stressful stories I create, then I can see that things are perfect exactly as they are. And that is heaven.
I am bringing down the property value.
-True, by not picking up the trash in my yard, or the trash in my neighborhood. I am also bringing down the people value in my thinking.
I love looking at the view across the street – that duplex is wonderful.
-Yes, without the belief that "My neighbors should pick up their trash" I can actually see human beings over there - human beings just like me who are doing the best they can with what they have. If they knew how to pick up their garbage, they would. Without the belief I am returned to my deep commitment to love others and serve humanity. This duplex is no exception. I can honestly see that now.
After I did The Work, I was compelled into loving action - I couldn't help it - there wasn't anything I could do about it. With hubby's help, all the garbage was secretly cleaned up late one night and the shopping cart went home to Rite-Aid. The next weekend I took the opportunity to meet my neighbors - a two-year-old and a young single mom on government assistance. Ironically, they moved a month later. God must have a sense of humor.
"I should be able to do it all by myself"
Saturday, December 9, 12:19AM
Being a new mom and caring for a child 24/7 can feel overwhelming...especially with this belief:
"I should be able to do it all by myself."
1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
No. I notice I can’t.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I don’t ask for help. I CAN’T ask for help. I make unreasonable expectations of myself. I am disappointed when I don’t meet them. I try to get everything done and it doesn’t get done. I get frustrated. I go to bed angry, and wake up resigned. I refuse offers for help, and then I become a victim and a martyr of whatever needs to be done. I feel totally defeated and kicked in the butt by life.
Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
yes.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would see what I can and can’t do – I would be more realistic. I would allow others to help me. I would probably get more done and feel proud of whatever I accomplish. I would go to bed satisfied. I would outright ask for what I need and I would give honest answers when help is offered. I wouldn’t pretend that I can do everything and that would give me a lot of freedom and more honesty in my life. I like that.
Turn the thought around.
I shouldn’t be able to do it all by myself.
This is true – I notice that I can’t get everything done by myself.
I should be able to do it with the help of others.
Again, this is true. Nothing like stating the obvious...
Being a new mom and caring for a child 24/7 can feel overwhelming...especially with this belief:
"I should be able to do it all by myself."
1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
No. I notice I can’t.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I don’t ask for help. I CAN’T ask for help. I make unreasonable expectations of myself. I am disappointed when I don’t meet them. I try to get everything done and it doesn’t get done. I get frustrated. I go to bed angry, and wake up resigned. I refuse offers for help, and then I become a victim and a martyr of whatever needs to be done. I feel totally defeated and kicked in the butt by life.
Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
yes.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would see what I can and can’t do – I would be more realistic. I would allow others to help me. I would probably get more done and feel proud of whatever I accomplish. I would go to bed satisfied. I would outright ask for what I need and I would give honest answers when help is offered. I wouldn’t pretend that I can do everything and that would give me a lot of freedom and more honesty in my life. I like that.
Turn the thought around.
I shouldn’t be able to do it all by myself.
This is true – I notice that I can’t get everything done by myself.
I should be able to do it with the help of others.
Again, this is true. Nothing like stating the obvious...
"I can't do everything I have to do because I don't have enough time."
From Sunday, February 5, 2006 8:16pm - I was really jammed up with school work and up against a deadline...
Belief: I can’t do everything I have to do because I don’t have enough time.
1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
I suppose I could do everything somehow.
I suppose it could be done in the time I have, or even less.
No it is not true.
Possible follow-ups:
What is the reality of it? Did it happen?
It hasn’t even happened yet! But I am sure collecting a lot of evidence for it.
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Only if I wait and do nothing, then I could say it was true.
But if that happened I would only know that it WAS true, and the jury would still be out on the future.
Possible follow-ups:
Can I know more than God/reality?
Nope. I suppose it is entirely possible for me to get everything done and manage all that there is to manage.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I get pissy. I cry. I resist. I kick and scream. I feel in a stupor. I get distracted. I make things extremely hard on myself and on others around me.
I feel tension in my head. In my stomach. In my eyes. My eyes burn, my head gets foggy, my spine gets slouchy and tired, my stomach gets hollow. It feels completely draining and deadening. I feel like I am stuck in concrete up to my neck. I have a headache and my jaw gets tense.
I don’t let Hubby support me, and then he feels powerless. I invalidate other people. I make them work really hard to get me sorted out.
I give myself no room and no space to screw up. I am incredibly hard on myself. In fact, I am impossible on myself. I get really negative. I resist doing anything and then I regret that I didn’t take actions. I am a drama queen, I get cranky, and I really limit myself.
I go down a deep dark tunnel. I lash out at everyone. I start unraveling the whole structure of my life. “I can’t do any of this” “I sold out” “this is all wrong” “this isn’t it” “I’ll never do anything right” “I can’t have what I want” “this sucks” “I don’t want any of this” “I don’t trust myself” “I am not in control of my life”
Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Yes. I wouldn’t have all that crap up there.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Peaceful, present, powerful. A celebration. Magical. Miraculous. I would be someone who amazes myself and others. I would be relieved. I would be energized, alive, vital, creative, and productive.
I would probably get stuff done and have more fun doing it. I would hold myself to a higher level of integrity. I would manage all there is to manage with a lot more power. I would give myself free time. I would take care of and nurture myself and be ruthlessly true to myself. I would probably trust God more and live by the Spirit more.
I would probably be easier on others and I would certainly be more cooperative – part of the team. I wouldn’t worry so much about getting things “right”.
Turn the thought around.
I can do everything I have to do and I don’t have enough time – YES – I can still do it – time has nothing to do with it.
I am able to do it all – yes.
In my thinking, I can’t do everything I have to do – YES, that is most certainly true!
I have enough time – true, I can see that I waste a lot of time thinking I don’t have enough time because I resist everything
It is possible to do everything I have to do and do it in time – yes, I can see that could be truer.
(Note: consequently, after doing this piece, I was able to get all the things done that I was certain I couldn't, and I did it in record time. I even went to bed early - something that was not predictable before I did The Work on it.)
Belief: I can’t do everything I have to do because I don’t have enough time.
1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
I suppose I could do everything somehow.
I suppose it could be done in the time I have, or even less.
No it is not true.
Possible follow-ups:
What is the reality of it? Did it happen?
It hasn’t even happened yet! But I am sure collecting a lot of evidence for it.
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Only if I wait and do nothing, then I could say it was true.
But if that happened I would only know that it WAS true, and the jury would still be out on the future.
Possible follow-ups:
Can I know more than God/reality?
Nope. I suppose it is entirely possible for me to get everything done and manage all that there is to manage.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I get pissy. I cry. I resist. I kick and scream. I feel in a stupor. I get distracted. I make things extremely hard on myself and on others around me.
I feel tension in my head. In my stomach. In my eyes. My eyes burn, my head gets foggy, my spine gets slouchy and tired, my stomach gets hollow. It feels completely draining and deadening. I feel like I am stuck in concrete up to my neck. I have a headache and my jaw gets tense.
I don’t let Hubby support me, and then he feels powerless. I invalidate other people. I make them work really hard to get me sorted out.
I give myself no room and no space to screw up. I am incredibly hard on myself. In fact, I am impossible on myself. I get really negative. I resist doing anything and then I regret that I didn’t take actions. I am a drama queen, I get cranky, and I really limit myself.
I go down a deep dark tunnel. I lash out at everyone. I start unraveling the whole structure of my life. “I can’t do any of this” “I sold out” “this is all wrong” “this isn’t it” “I’ll never do anything right” “I can’t have what I want” “this sucks” “I don’t want any of this” “I don’t trust myself” “I am not in control of my life”
Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Yes. I wouldn’t have all that crap up there.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Peaceful, present, powerful. A celebration. Magical. Miraculous. I would be someone who amazes myself and others. I would be relieved. I would be energized, alive, vital, creative, and productive.
I would probably get stuff done and have more fun doing it. I would hold myself to a higher level of integrity. I would manage all there is to manage with a lot more power. I would give myself free time. I would take care of and nurture myself and be ruthlessly true to myself. I would probably trust God more and live by the Spirit more.
I would probably be easier on others and I would certainly be more cooperative – part of the team. I wouldn’t worry so much about getting things “right”.
Turn the thought around.
I can do everything I have to do and I don’t have enough time – YES – I can still do it – time has nothing to do with it.
I am able to do it all – yes.
In my thinking, I can’t do everything I have to do – YES, that is most certainly true!
I have enough time – true, I can see that I waste a lot of time thinking I don’t have enough time because I resist everything
It is possible to do everything I have to do and do it in time – yes, I can see that could be truer.
(Note: consequently, after doing this piece, I was able to get all the things done that I was certain I couldn't, and I did it in record time. I even went to bed early - something that was not predictable before I did The Work on it.)
"Dishes should not pile up!"
Saturday, December 9, 2006 12:29 AM
A Quickie: Dishes should not pile up!
I notice I have a lot of stress when I see dishes in the sink...so here we go...
Belief: Dishes should not pile up in the sink!
1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
No! There are always dishes in the sink! In piles! (When I argue with reality, I lose, but only 100% of the time...)
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
(I don't need to ask this question if the answer to #1 is no...)
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I hate the dishes. I avoid them. I get angry at Hubby for not doing them. I seem to do dishes all the time. It seems I make more dirty dishes because I avoid dishes period. And then they stack up.
Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Yes.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would be peaceful about the dishes and just do them. Or not. I would accept dirty dishes as a fact of life. Look, there they are. Dirty dishes.
Turn the thought around.
Dishes should pile up in the sink.
-Yes. They do.
Dishes should not pile up in my thinking.
Yes. This is true. I have way better things to spend my energy on. I have to go now...
A Quickie: Dishes should not pile up!
I notice I have a lot of stress when I see dishes in the sink...so here we go...
Belief: Dishes should not pile up in the sink!
1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
No! There are always dishes in the sink! In piles! (When I argue with reality, I lose, but only 100% of the time...)
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
(I don't need to ask this question if the answer to #1 is no...)
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I hate the dishes. I avoid them. I get angry at Hubby for not doing them. I seem to do dishes all the time. It seems I make more dirty dishes because I avoid dishes period. And then they stack up.
Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Yes.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would be peaceful about the dishes and just do them. Or not. I would accept dirty dishes as a fact of life. Look, there they are. Dirty dishes.
Turn the thought around.
Dishes should pile up in the sink.
-Yes. They do.
Dishes should not pile up in my thinking.
Yes. This is true. I have way better things to spend my energy on. I have to go now...
"Hubby should help more around the house"
Friday, December 10, 2006 8:31pm
Hubby should help more around the house.
He should care as much as I do about keeping things clean and he should do more.
I would be happier if the housework was done and if he helped me more.
1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
Yes.
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
I can’t know what’s in my or his highest good. I can’t know what his path is. Also the reality of it is that Hubby does what he does, and that’s it. He cares about what he cares about and that’s it. And it’s his business what he does and what he cares about. So no, I can’t absolutely know that it’s true.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I get angry at Hubby. I blame him for a lot of things. I get angry when I see a trashcan with no liner, dishes in the sink, rotten pumpkins from Halloween still on the porch, trash cans out on the curb 2 days after pickup, dog poop in the yard, dog hair on the floor, empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom, overflowing laundry baskets, unfolded laundry, messy closets and rooms, and unmade beds. I blame Hubby for everything. And I am angry a lot!
I think I can know how much he cares. So I judge him as not caring enough, and I make him wrong for that too.
I feel small. I feel totally behind all the time and that makes me crazy. I feel completely dominated by all the things that are incomplete.
I treat Hubby like he is lazy, selfish, and unconscious. Like he is a jerk.
Sometimes I don’t clean the house just to prove a point.
I wait for him to acknowledge everything I have done and when he doesn’t I get upset.
Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Heavens yes.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would be more independent. I would see everything as mine, like a sense of ownership. I would take care of the things that I see need to be taken care of, out of love, not out of spite. I would just see what needs to be done and do it because it makes a difference for em. I would see all the things that need to be done as an opportunity to give myself a gift. Oooh, that would be cool! I would take pride in what I do. I would see the possibility of what bringing completion to each task could be. I might even perform each task fully present, like a meditation. I would be mindful of each task instead of mindless. I would see my home as my sacred domain and I could even see creating it as an expression of something wonderful instead of being run by looking good/avoiding looking bad.
Turn the thought around.
Hubby shouldn’t help more around the house.
Hm, I struggle with that one.
1- that’s the reality of it – he helps as much as he does
2- it’s not my business what he does
3- I get to do The Work on it and set myself free!
I should help more around the house.
Yes, this is true. I should be more helpful to myself around the house by letting go of unproductive thoughts.
I should help Hubby more around the house.
Yes, this is truer. I love him, and I can show my love for him by serving him - authentically. I could also help him clean his home office. I could ask him what he wants in our living space – like what he wants out of it, and create that so he feels he has some ownership. Take pride in stuff.
I also see that Hubby has done a LOT of stuff between the two houses and I could definitely try to help him more instead of giving excuses. I expect him to work twice as hard as I do and that is pretty brutal. I have excuses but I don’t tolerate his?!?!
Belief #2: “He should care as much as I do about keeping things clean and he should do more."
-I should care as much as I do about keeping things clean and I should do more. This is true!
-I should care as little as he does about keeping things clean and I should do less! YES this is true! I am the hyperactive housewife and I should give myself a break by caring LESS! Also I see that I could find ways to do less…by working smarter I suppose. Creating a system or a structure for what needs to be done and when, so I don't find myself spending all my time cleaning or whatever.
Belief #3:“I would be happier if the housework was done.”
I can’t know that’s true.
I would be sadder if the housework was done…
is this true? I would have less to do…
Yes, I guess I don’t have any interest in actually having the housework done because I notice I do a great job at keeping it dirty…
Turning around my judgments of him:
“Hubby is lazy, selfish, and unconscious. He is a jerk.”
I am lazy – yes, look at that bra just sprawled out on my dresser and that pile of shoes on the floor – I notice all the messes in the house I pretty much made…
I am selfish – yes, I want him to do what I want to do all the time, especially when it comes to the housework! I don’t even let him have his own thoughts and feelings about it!
I am unconscious – yes, especially about all of this. I didn't even realize until now that I am the one that makes the messes in the house that I have to clean up!
I am a jerk – yes, especially about all of this. I am a jerk to myself when I allow myself to be angry all the time about EVERYTHING.
Hubby should help more around the house.
He should care as much as I do about keeping things clean and he should do more.
I would be happier if the housework was done and if he helped me more.
1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
Yes.
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
I can’t know what’s in my or his highest good. I can’t know what his path is. Also the reality of it is that Hubby does what he does, and that’s it. He cares about what he cares about and that’s it. And it’s his business what he does and what he cares about. So no, I can’t absolutely know that it’s true.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I get angry at Hubby. I blame him for a lot of things. I get angry when I see a trashcan with no liner, dishes in the sink, rotten pumpkins from Halloween still on the porch, trash cans out on the curb 2 days after pickup, dog poop in the yard, dog hair on the floor, empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom, overflowing laundry baskets, unfolded laundry, messy closets and rooms, and unmade beds. I blame Hubby for everything. And I am angry a lot!
I think I can know how much he cares. So I judge him as not caring enough, and I make him wrong for that too.
I feel small. I feel totally behind all the time and that makes me crazy. I feel completely dominated by all the things that are incomplete.
I treat Hubby like he is lazy, selfish, and unconscious. Like he is a jerk.
Sometimes I don’t clean the house just to prove a point.
I wait for him to acknowledge everything I have done and when he doesn’t I get upset.
Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Heavens yes.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would be more independent. I would see everything as mine, like a sense of ownership. I would take care of the things that I see need to be taken care of, out of love, not out of spite. I would just see what needs to be done and do it because it makes a difference for em. I would see all the things that need to be done as an opportunity to give myself a gift. Oooh, that would be cool! I would take pride in what I do. I would see the possibility of what bringing completion to each task could be. I might even perform each task fully present, like a meditation. I would be mindful of each task instead of mindless. I would see my home as my sacred domain and I could even see creating it as an expression of something wonderful instead of being run by looking good/avoiding looking bad.
Turn the thought around.
Hubby shouldn’t help more around the house.
Hm, I struggle with that one.
1- that’s the reality of it – he helps as much as he does
2- it’s not my business what he does
3- I get to do The Work on it and set myself free!
I should help more around the house.
Yes, this is true. I should be more helpful to myself around the house by letting go of unproductive thoughts.
I should help Hubby more around the house.
Yes, this is truer. I love him, and I can show my love for him by serving him - authentically. I could also help him clean his home office. I could ask him what he wants in our living space – like what he wants out of it, and create that so he feels he has some ownership. Take pride in stuff.
I also see that Hubby has done a LOT of stuff between the two houses and I could definitely try to help him more instead of giving excuses. I expect him to work twice as hard as I do and that is pretty brutal. I have excuses but I don’t tolerate his?!?!
Belief #2: “He should care as much as I do about keeping things clean and he should do more."
-I should care as much as I do about keeping things clean and I should do more. This is true!
-I should care as little as he does about keeping things clean and I should do less! YES this is true! I am the hyperactive housewife and I should give myself a break by caring LESS! Also I see that I could find ways to do less…by working smarter I suppose. Creating a system or a structure for what needs to be done and when, so I don't find myself spending all my time cleaning or whatever.
Belief #3:“I would be happier if the housework was done.”
I can’t know that’s true.
I would be sadder if the housework was done…
is this true? I would have less to do…
Yes, I guess I don’t have any interest in actually having the housework done because I notice I do a great job at keeping it dirty…
Turning around my judgments of him:
“Hubby is lazy, selfish, and unconscious. He is a jerk.”
I am lazy – yes, look at that bra just sprawled out on my dresser and that pile of shoes on the floor – I notice all the messes in the house I pretty much made…
I am selfish – yes, I want him to do what I want to do all the time, especially when it comes to the housework! I don’t even let him have his own thoughts and feelings about it!
I am unconscious – yes, especially about all of this. I didn't even realize until now that I am the one that makes the messes in the house that I have to clean up!
I am a jerk – yes, especially about all of this. I am a jerk to myself when I allow myself to be angry all the time about EVERYTHING.
"I should be on top of the housework"
Friday, December 8, 2006 11:55PM
I should be on top of the housework.
Is it true?
No. I notice I am not on top of the housework.
How do you react when you think that thought?
I see everything that there is to do and I feel stress in my head. I get tired. I run around cleaning and organizing all the time. I don’t let myself rest until the work is done, and it’s never done, so I never actually rest or play. I feel behind, inadequate, incompetent, incapable, powerless, helpless, resentful, embarrassed, and small.
I get upset at hubby for not helping with the housework. I make him wrong for doing other things when I say he should be helping with the housework.
I get annoyed at baby for being an obstacle/interruption of the things I have to do.
Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Yes.
Who would you be without the thought?
I would probably move peacefully from one task to the next. I would be present. I would see things that are incomplete as an opportunity to bring completion. I would not make it wrong… I would see what is. Like, there are papers on the table. Wow. Instead of “What the crap are these papers doing on the table?!?!” I would see that the mess might actually serve me.
I would ask for hubby’s help, and baby would not be an obstacle or interruption. I could trust his timing.
Turn the thought around.
I shouldn’t be on top of the housework – true. I’m not. I never am.
The housework shouldn’t be on top of me. Yes. It is crushing me. Oh, and I can take care of myself first. House second. Instead of the other way around.
I should be on top of the house-play. YES! The keeper of PLAY in the house!
When I was a kid I loved playing house. Now I have a real hubby, a real baby, and a real house. It's time to play house!
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