Sunday, January 21, 2007

"My husband and I aren't close anymore"

Anyone who has known my husband and I for any length of time would state unequivocally that we have an inspiring relationship. We are true partners, totally on the same 'team', love to be together, and have awesome communication that keeps us free from excess mental/emotional garbage. I always say I married the man of my dreams; he would tell you that he never thought he could find someone like me.

H o w e v e r . . . I have found myself harboring feelings of anger and resentment towards him lately. It's been going on for a few weeks now - so long that I don't even know why I am angry - I just am angry, all the time. What's my deal? Why do I burst into tears and find myself not wanting to talk to him or be around him? Why do I feel so far away from him?

Everything seems to have changed since our son was born in September. They say it's a strain on a marriage...maybe I just have 'Postpartum Depression'.

Or not.

Here we go...

My husband and I are not close anymore.

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
Yes. At least that's how I feel.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No – I only know what I experience – I guess I can’t know it as TRUTH.

3. How do you react when you think "My husband and I aren't close anymore"?
I feel far away from him. I feel really, really sad. And empty.
I think he doesn’t love me and I get suspicious of him.
I get judgmental and critical of him.
I think that there is something wrong with our relationship and I don’t know what it is. I try to fix it anyway. That doesn't go over very well.
I am angry at him all the time.
I am always frustrated by him.
I get mad when he doesn’t want to talk. In fact, I am just mad at him all the time! For everything! I find fault in everything that he does or doesn’t do.
I get defensive, sarcastic, and rude. I take offense to most everything he says.
I don’t spend time with him. I avoid him. I don’t talk to him except about shallow things.
I don’t like him very much. I don’t like myself very much.
I get mad at myself.
I resent him.
I turn away from my husband, from God, and myself. And then I feel guilty about that.
I hate my life and I want to go back to the beginning of our marriage again.
I hate it being this way. I hate EVERYTHING.
I withhold my love from him and that hurts.
I feel alone.
I feel helpless and small.
I feel like I don’t have a partner anymore.
I don’t feel love for him.
I feel a huge loss. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I worry about what that might mean.
I feel inferior in some way and I’m not sure why.
I am very unhappy and not much fun to be around.
I put myself down in my mind.
I think I must be defective. I feel like a victim and a martyr. I feel unappreciated and unfulfilled.
I don’t talk to him; I think ‘I CAN’T talk to him’.
I feel unattractive and get very upset with myself.
I wonder if I have postpartum depression – I think about that a lot… and that makes me feel really stuck being this way.
I start questioning our marriage.


Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)HEAVENS Yes. Just take another look at that list above!

4. Who would you be without the thought?
*sigh....*
There would be nothing wrong. Things would be great, I would have power back in my life and I would be happy. I would celebrate accomplishments, I would feel like I was moving forward, I would be the boss of me. I would stay in my own business and therefore suffer less. I would love what I have and rejoice in it. I would be spontaneous, creative, witty, funny.
I would do things for him, take care of him (without keeping score!), and I would dream up little surprises for him, which he loves. I would be sweet and supportive to him. I would love him like crazy. (I DO love him like crazy, without my story.)
I would be the woman of his dreams and he would be the man of my dreams (again).
I would feel grateful for what I have.
I would be happy, and I would be happy with myself.
I would be peaceful.
I would feel close to God.

Turn the thought around.
He and I are still close.
This is true. For heaven’s sake, we live together, sleep together, eat together, care for our son together, hang out together. He even folds my underwear neatly when he does the laundry.

I am not close with me anymore.
This is way true. I don’t take that go-inside-and-sit-with-me time for myself. I don’t even have a little 'space' for myself in this house (is that true??)
I am mentally in his business and have therefore left ME. I am totally drifting away from me. I am not giving myself what I need in relationships and expecting my husband to give it to me. Not his job!

After having done this work, I find it so interesting that the 'distance' I feel is a result of simply THINKING that we are distant. I think we are distant, so I go right ahead and act distant. Yet another way of getting how I am the only one who upsets me...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

"Falling Off the Wagon"

This one came up at Christmastime.

With regard to eating, I have to be “all or nothing” – meaning, I am either 100% purely healthy or the whole thing goes down the toilet. I have been known as a health food nazi at times in my life. For five years I did not eat any sugar, dairy, or animal products and was completely vigilant about it. I even ate only 100% raw fruits, veggies, nuts, and seeds for a year. Then I got pregnant and started eating all kinds of things - chicken, fish, eggs, dairy, junk food, health food - no real self-imposed limits. I haven't been close to my 'old plan' since. I have tried and failed, and upon investigation, I noticed I live with the belief that in order for me to be successful at eating heathfully, I can not allow myself to eat anything I consider unhealthful, not even in the smallest amount, without falling off the wagon completely. "All or nothing."

Hubby helped me out with this one as we were driving to another Christmas party.

“I have to be all-or-nothing about food”

Is it true?
Yes, it’s true. I really do have to be that way.
No, seriously, it's the only way that works for me.

Can you absolutely know it's true?
OK, no, I can’t absolutely know it’s true. Just because I have been that way in the past does not necessarily mean that it is true for the future...or even true at all.

How do you react when you believe that thought?
I am totally rigid with myself. I am the health food nazi. I see sugar as the evil enemy that must be destroyed or at least avoided like the plague. I sure pay a lot of attention to the sugar, so much attention that I end up eating it. (Funny how that happens, eh?) Then I think that if I have eaten one piece of Christmas candy then I’ve blown the whole plan. May as well just go for it. I end up eating LOTS of pieces of candy, fudge, homemade caramel, dessert...and feel like I have to hide that. But it's sooo good....

I feel like a bad girl, out of control and hopeless. I feel like a hypocrite. I gain weight, feel horrible and get sick. I feel weak. I have been able to eat healthy in the past and I feel like I’ll never get back there again.

Eating healthy seems like an ideal that I will never reach.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? And I'm not asking you to drop it.
Yep, I can see a reason to drop the thought.

Who would you be without the belief "I have to be all or nothing"?
Now this really takes some imagining because I have never lived without the thought...

If I could look at Christmas candy without the thought “It’s all or nothing…” I would actually be FREE to have one piece, if that was what I wanted, or not, and stop after that. Or not! Either way, I would be conscious. I would realize that I’m actually hungry, and eating candy won’t fill me up; I could go find something REAL to eat that will leave me satisfied. And when I do eat that piece of candy, I wouldn’t think “Oh great, I’ve ruined it all now” but rather, I will savor it as a real treat.

Ironically, it’s likely I will end up making healthier choices naturally, because healthy stuff is what I really want anyway. There would be no ‘evil’ to resist and therefore I would be truly free to choose.

Turnaround:
It’s not all or nothing.
This is true. I realize that I actually do trust myself about what I do or don’t like to put in my body. When I am not confused in my thinking, I naturally make healthy eating choices.

My thinking is all or nothing.
(Sometimes Byron Katie uses “my thinking” in a turnaround)
This is true – when I am not conscious to my thoughts, they most definitely have me. Either my thoughts have me or I have my thoughts. No middle of the road here.

I arrived at the Christmas party totally freed up about food. I didn’t have any ‘charge’ on eating the so-called ‘right’ (healthy) way or not. I enjoyed myself, ate what I wanted, and left happy. I had some sweets and I had some healthy stuff. I even tried my sister's wasabi-teriyaki meatballs after not having eaten beef in five years. They were delicious. I ate two, and then I didn't want any more. I enjoyed the few sweets I had, but I gravitated toward the healthy stuff naturally and ended up eating more of that anyway.

The result?
No-drama eating. What a flippin' relief.

Oh and between Christmas and New Year’s I actually lost five pounds - a little unexpected side-effect of shedding some mental weight!