"I need financial security" and other scary thoughts about money

from June 2007 - a long one but a GOOD one! We get so crazy about money. The Work helps make you sane about money. Check it out:

I need financial security.

Is it true?

Yes. I can’t feel safe unless I have a lot of money.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No – the reality is that I have never had financial security. What does that even mean? I have done just fine without lots and lots of money. And when I have had lots and lots of money, I didn’t take care of it very well. I don’t have financial security now; apparently I must not truly, truly need it. I also notice that I do have financial security in ways I never noticed before. I don’t worry about paying my bills etc.

How do I react when I believe the thought “I need financial security”, and I don’t have it?

Panic. Terror. Upset. Frustration. Feel totally like a failure. Feel limited, trapped, feel like I am going to die, embarrassed, helpless, totally and completely powerless. I feel like an idiot. I feel regretful; totally regretful. I feel stupid. I regret how I have spent it. I fill myself with what ifs and if only this or that had happened. I see money as the source of my security. I feel weak and small. Helpless. I see myself as totally inept.

The images that come to mind: me as an old woman, alone, have nothing, pushing a shopping cart, deep worry lines on my face, wearing rags, probably insane and mumbling to myself. My children have abandoned me because I am so stupid. Walking around downtown, begging for money, and people pitying me or judging me.

Money is the center point of my existence. Money is more important than freedom, ultimately. Money rules the day. I want more of it. I spend the money I do have. I don’t appreciate it. I treat it carelessly and then regret it. Everything, ultimately boils down to a financial decision. I feel limited by money when I don’t have it; I feel excited and powerful when I do have it. When I don’t have it, and I believe I need it, I get angry at hubby for not making more. I blame him. I get fearful. I get stressed. I bark at him for not paying the bills. I fear creditors calling. I fear a bad credit score. I see opportunities closing down all around me because of that. I see him as irresponsible. I see him as inept. I get angry. It ruins my day. I am embarrassed and apologetic. I feel totally powerless. I feel this tantrum, this rage well up inside me. I imagine having to ask for help and I hate that. I anticipate judgment and criticism from others. I re-live my sisters and my mom telling me that I need to quit trying to make it as a massage therapist and just get a ‘real job’. I feel frustrated. I feel like I can’t ever have what I want. I feel like I have to sell out. I feel like a failure. I feel like whatever I do is not good enough. I feel stupid. I can’t focus, I can’t be present. I get desperate. I am really hard on myself. “You should know better. You are so irresponsible. What is wrong with you? You are so out of control”. I feel out of control. I feel like money is really mysterious and I’ll never have it. I see money as power. I think others will respect me if I have it. I see it as adding credibility. Without it, I see myself not being able to do what I want to do. In essence, I see a future of guilt, misery, embarrassment, regret, powerlessness, and failure.

Who would you be without the thought “I need financial security”?

Well, I have to go to the space of my worst nightmare coming true… losing everything. And then look from there at who I would be without the thought.

So… my worst nightmare: I can see my credit report, and it’s trashed… I can see not being able to pay my bills, my bills being late, losing my phone service, losing my utilities, losing my house, not having money to buy the things I need… I can go to the place of “I don’t have any money to pay my rent”…and without the thought “I need financial security” I would be open to the experience of it. No resistance. Total surrender to the what-isness of it all. I can see that I would move, I would shift from what I am used to having, I would totally have the support of my family, my friends, my church, or the government. I can really see that I will never go without – I will never starve, my children won’t starve. The worst that could happen is that I would be employed at the church thrift store or managing a crew at a fast food place. I can see that in doing that I’m OK. I’m really, really, OK. I am patient. I can see rebuilding things with time but surrendering to that which I cannot change in the meantime. I can see it as an interesting life adventure, a tangent that my life is going on and that I am totally capable of recovering. I can see all the love and support of friends that I have, like my dear friend Shawn Connell, remembering times that he said he totally believes in me and sees me as one of the most capable people on earth.

I can see myself losing my ‘stellar’ reputation…and feeling relieved that I don’t have other people to worry about now. I can worry about /focus on myself for once. I am free.

I can do all kinds of things. I actually feel relieved without the thought. I feel peaceful, I feel powerful to create what is next. I can actually see my creativity emerging, welling up inside me. This is all part of my story… how will it all turn out? Isn’t this interesting.

I can see that I would survive.

I will be totally taken care of and supported by those around me. And if not, I will die a very peaceful, poor lady. That’s my worst nightmare! LOL

Right now, who I would be without the thought…

I would relish the money as it comes in. I would be more responsible for how it goes out. I would see what a true blessing it all is – the currency of it, what it feels like to have it. I would take it more seriously in some ways but less seriously in other ways. I would see that it is all a game and it can be fun to make but my life doesn’t depend on it.

I wouldn’t see me as powerless without it. I would see the absence of it as a space to create.

Would I be regretful? I don’t think so, ultimately. I could just relax about money and let it relax about me. I would be more resourceful and creative. I would be more playful about creating it, utilizing its energy, harnessing its power. I like this.

Money wouldn’t be tied into my image, or anyone else’s for that matter. I would see how much meaning we put on money and I could just laugh as I observe that. I can be totally peaceful in the midst of it. (I am relaxed so deeply right now as I write this.)

Turn it around:

I don’t need financial security.

It’s true.

~ I don’t have it. I have never needed it. What is it anyway?

~ I have everything I need already. I have clothes, I have 2 houses, I have food in the fridge. I have everything I need. I have EVERYTHING I need! (wow, how would it be to just trust that…)

I would be completely, totally, one hundred percent peaceful. I would be the most creative person on earth. I would be a space for miracles to show up – dancing with the unknown - what a blessed life!

~ I see that I already have what I would call financial security. Silly me.

I need security (that doesn’t come from money)

This is truer. What comes to mind is spiritual security. I need INNER security. Money comes and goes, and I am always here. I need inner reliance to get me through, not money to get me through.

This recent “Note from the Universe” comes to mind:

Fear always goes away once two things are realized: First, you're a spiritual being. Second, nothing can ever be lost or taken from a spiritual being that cannot be recreated. Not pride, not money, not love.

Phew!

The Universe

So it’s not even possible for me to be financially UN-secure! I can always create it. I can’t really lose that which is truly mine. Besides, whether or not I have an abundance of money is God’s business.

I need my thinking to be secure. True. I need my thinking to take me to true places, places of peace, rather than scaring myself.

I see that I can never be financially insecure! Oh my. Evidence:

I have never gone without money.

In fact, I have evidence that I am a powerful manifestor.

-I got a job within 2 days of moving to Virginia in 2000
-I had an admin job making $13 an hour in 2000 – (not bad for today, and not bad for SEVEN years ago!
-I got a huge raise and a promotion in a job after only a few months
- I recently got an offer to work part time for a full time salary
-My husband wants me to work for his business
-JT said if she ever needed a CEO she would hire me
- in 2002, when I moved back to Utah from Virginia, my friends Andrew and Bill opened a whole branch/office just for me in Utah – and they had to close it after I left because nobody could keep it afloat after me
-I managed to make enough money while self-employed to owe the IRS $2000 in 1999 when I was just 21 years old! ($2K was a LOT of money to me)
-I have money in the bank right now.
-I own two homes.
-I own a truck and a car.
-I own great furniture.
-I own two dogs and a horse.

I see that the higher truth is that I can’t keep money away from me! Apparently, people seem to want to give me money all the time and really value what I provide. I love that.

I want financial security.

That is truer – I want to be smart with my money and have great cash-generating assets. That makes me feel like I am in a process of education – I get to control or play with it and watch it grow. Amazing. I am amazingly responsible, capable when it comes to making money. I could learn to manage it a little bit better, and I could be excited about that. I AM excited about that. It’s a game!

One thing Katie talks about in "I Need Your Love - Is That True?" is Un-Scaring yourself. In other words, you look at what the WORST thing is you imagine could happen, and you find three genuine ways that you could actually survive it.

So here I go, UN-SCARING MYSELF ABOUT MONEY:

"If I lost everything I have, I couldn’t go on."

"If I was 65 years old and couldn’t retire, that would be the worst thing."

"If I worked my whole life and had nothing to show for it, my life would be a waste, and THAT would be the worst thing."

If I lost everything I have, I could go on. How?

- I would be supported by the Church or by my family.

- I could be open to being moved by the Spirit.

- I could travel the country by hitchhiking and couch surfing.

- I could apply for some kind of grant and start a new business.

If I was 65 years old and couldn’t retire, that wouldn’t be the worst thing. How?

- Wherever I was working, I could be a wise old woman who helps others.

- I could always go back to massage therapy and work at a resort somewhere

- I would have spent so much time doing other things – I could really do what I loved because I would know what that is… maybe.

If I worked my whole life and had ‘nothing’ to show for it, my life would not be a waste. How?

- I would know that I kept myself going for as long as I did. Isn’t that wonderful?

- I have had great experiences with making and losing money

- I am really good at spending it. I never went without. I was generous with my money and didn’t fear holding on to it. I spent it all on other people.

I can mess everything up

“I mess everything up”- is that true?
Sometimes Katie asks for your evidence.

When have I messed everything up? (this is my evidence - truly)

- hmmmm...only just about every guy I have ever dated had some elements that prove I messed everything up.

- by looking stupid in front of that boy I liked when I was 11 years old

- my first marriage and divorce (1998)

- by trying to be self employed at age 19 when I knew nothing about business

- when I broke up with (that poor fellow) right before he left on his church mission

- by turning in my friends for doing drugs and them hating me (8th grade)

- by making boys more important than my best friend (10th grade)

- by not being old enough, mature enough physically, not being able to drive (10th grade)

- by making major decisions too quickly

- by wanting to be Melissa’s locker partner instead of Katie’s (8th grade)

- by showing my boyfriend too much of my emotions over my parent's divorce and him feeling overwhelmed (12th grade)

- by being too messed up over my parent’s divorce (12th grade)

- by letting (that one girl) tag along with my friends (19 yrs old)

- by being too loud and annoying for people (11th grade)

- by being too hard on my friend S. (2005)

- by dating Mr. Wrong 1999

- by not going to college right after high school

- by going in to debt trying to make money with MLMs (1995)

- by not knowing how to do business right at age 19 -not knowing I needed to withhold for taxes and owing the IRS a lot of money

- by getting into debt for no good reason (early 20's)

- by being impulsive about buying a brand new'97 jeep wrangler that I ended up having to sell a year later because the payments were too high (1996)

- by taking jobs I didn't want, out of desperation

- by compromising my standards to try to please people

- by trying to coach people who weren't asking to be coached

- by shoving the good things I love down people’s throats because I think they need it

- by telling my husband how I felt about him way too soon when we were dating (nearly scared the poor guy off) (2002)

- by doing what other people wanted me to do instead of following my heart

- by doing things out of fear and not trusting myself

- by not showing up for work that one day, failing to work out the miscommunication with my boss, and getting fired (1995)

- by criticizing my husband

- by lashing out without thinking

- by having had my priorities in life screwed up at times

- by going on an all raw food diet and thinking it would be healthy for me

- by buying my Honda on a whim (2004)

- by telling my best friend that she was fat (5th grade)

- by being responsible for a mistake that caused a product recall right before Christmas (2004)

- by telling everyone “I’m totally going to marry him” about a dozen different guys (crying wolf)

- by saying mean things to my mom

SEE ALL THE EVIDENCE I HAVE???? So....

I can mess things up.

Is it true?

Yes!!!

Can you really know it’s true?

Hm.

I can’t know how things are really ‘supposed’ to go apart from how I 'think' they should go. So no. I can't know what is messed up and what is not, ultimately.

How do you react when you think that thought, "I can mess everything up"?

I feel sick. Like a complete moron, idiot, regretful, just sick. I feel like I have done something that can never be undone. I hurt people. I see myself as someone who hurts people. I see them as angry and hurt and confused. I feel stupid for saying anything. I regret what I did. I work hard to try to make it right. I am always seeking their forgiveness and approval. I apologize profusely, or I blow it off. Sometimes I see them as stupid, like, why do they care so much? They should just get over it. I work hard to fix things. I see them as totally hating me, broken hearted, damaged beyond repair and I did that to them.

I blame myself – it’s all my fault, I ruined everything, I am an idiot, I beat myself up, I feel terribly guilty and totally responsible for their choices and mine, and I feel responsible for the outcome of their lives for the rest of my life/and theirs. I look out for them all the time. I hope they are doing OK in life because if they are not, I know it was my fault. I have to work really hard to look good. I have to beg sometimes. I am uncertain of the forgiveness that they do grant. I worry. I am preoccupied with thoughts about them sometimes and wonder where they are… etc.

I see myself as a dangerous person, because I am someone who hurts people.

I see God as out of the picture – he wasn’t there because I moved away. I am left alone, that was a mistake, I really screwed up and really have to work hard to make it right. Apparently I have more power to do harm than God has to do good. God was not in control in that moment. I am a bad, bad girl. I am hurtful and mean, stupid, careless, manipulative, probably schizophrenic, or have some kind of bipolar disorder, not whole, not ok.

I see my efforts on the front end as a waste. I see everything as ruined. I see that I have disappointed people and let them down.

I am in total fear of losing something very important to me.

I am not straight with people. I worry far too much about what they think about me. I see the choices I have made as bad ones, mistakes, could have been avoided, wastes of time, hurtful, bad, stupid, wrong.

I live my life trying to be perfect so I don’t mess anything up. I am critical of other people when they appear to mess up. I have a million examples of how I have messed up. Fear of losing everything, ultimately – making some mistake and losing my whole entire future from now to eternity – everything that was ‘supposed’ to be mine will be lost. That feels pretty lousy and hopeless.

I think it’s tragic when I see people doing the same things I did and I work hard to stop it.
At times I think I know what’s best for others and I dictate to them how they should and shouldn’t be and how they should live their lives – I am full of advice – I try to help them avoid pain.

Sometimes I am utterly, completely ashamed and embarrassed – I am embarrassed to simply be alive.

I fear their judgments of me. I have to know that they are OK, that they don’t hate me, that they like me. I have to look out for them forever just to be sure they don’t hate me.

I have to be very calculated about the choices I make because I am paralyzed by fear of messing things up.

I am totally driven by ‘doing the right thing’, and it’s very stressful.

This thought gives birth to other thoughts like: I messed everything up…I hurt people…I’m not OK…what is wrong with me? And then I resort to probably blaming THEM.

I get to feel like an idiot. Woo hoo!

Without the thought I can mess everything up:

I wouldn’t be afraid to make mistakes

I would be relaxed and peaceful and trust myself

I wouldn’t see that list as a list of times I have messed up… how would I see it then? Interesting experiences… could they even be perfect? Could they be part of ‘the plan’? What if things happened exactly as they were supposed to? (That’s steep but I am looking…)

I wouldn’t blame myself for my marriage ending. I, in all those above experiences, might start to see how I was carried through it all, doing the best I could…

Could it be true that I didn’t mess up anyone’s life? Could it be true that I did not hurt anyone?

I would have no regrets

I might start to see perfection/blessings in it all

I might not be embarrassed by my choices

I might actually be proud of my experiences and who I’ve become out of them

I would be compassionate with myself and others – understanding and less critical

I would open to the perfection of it all.

I wouldn’t resist messing things up

I could be playful with my foibles

I wouldn’t have to work so hard to prove that I am perfect

I could own my mistakes, misjudgments, misgivings.

I would be more relaxed.

I wouldn’t worry so much about what others thought of me – back in my own business instead of torturing myself to death

I wouldn’t be afraid to try new things

I could walk by grace and by the spirit

I could trust the perfection of all things

I could fully accept responsibility for my choices.

I am deeply, deeply sorry for the impact of my choices – but not hiding behind the guilt and the blame.

I can mess everything up - Turn it Around:

I can’t mess everything up. (or - I didn’t mess everything up.)

I can’t ultimately know how things were supposed to go.

I can’t ultimately know what another’s path is.

I can’t know that it ultimately was not the best thing to happen to them or to me.

More genuine examples…?Anyone?

I fixed everything up

Oh my, this feels way truer. I can go in to each of those examples and demonstrate how I did everything I knew to do to make things right, in each one of those circumstances.

"I want dinner from Cafe Rio."

A fun one from Aug. 6, 2007. It goes goes to show how the work can bring clarity to things that seem silly and trivial... Turns out there are more to my wants than I think!

Belief: I want dinner from Café Rio. Is it true?

YES!

Can I absolutely know it’s true that I want dinner from Café Rio?

No – it might be something else I want that seems to look like dinner from Café Rio but I can’t really know that dinner from Café Rio is what I really want.

How do I react when I believe the thought?

I feel guilty for spending more money on dining out. I worry. I have to justify it. Nothing here in my fridge looks good. I feel guilty for having spent $175 at the grocery store yesterday only to go out and spend more money and not use what I just bought.

Who would I be without the thought?

Cheerfully looking through my cupboards and fridge, preparing something wonderful to eat. Satisfied and peaceful.

Turn it around: I don’t want dinner from Café Rio.

This could be as true – I really just want dinner. It doesn’t have to be from Café Rio.

I want dinner from me.

This feels truer – I want me to feed myself and be resourceful with what I have.

I think I’ll go make dinner.

Dogs should not shed or bark and should come when called!

This is a good one. From January 31, 2007:

Belief:

Dogs shouldn’t shed all over the place, bark at the door, and should come in when called.

Dogs shouldn’t make the floor dirty and unsanitary for my infant son. I should have a place to sit on the floor without getting dog hair all over myself. I shouldn’t have to clean up after them all the time.

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?

The reality is that they do shed, bark, and ignore me sometimes.

And I do have to clean up after them all the time (if I want a clean house).

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

I can’t know that I would be happier but I sure think I would. It really looks like my life would be much easier if I didn’t have to deal with the dogs all the time. So, I don't know.

3. How do you react when you think that thought?

I get so angry and so frustrated and so tired.

I feel like a prisoner in my own house.

I HATE the dogs.

I couldn’t care less about them.

I am mean to them

I yell at them

I smack them in frustration sometimes

I worry that my angst towards them will have a negative impact on my son (being a bad example)

I get mad at them all the time

I am resentful

I hate sweeping the floor

I hate cleaning off the furniture

I hate the house I live in because it feels like there is no space for me

I don’t talk to my husband because I think my negative feelings about the dogs will hurt his feelings

I think that I want to get rid of the dogs

I keep them in the laundry room and avoid them

I see them as a nuisance and a major pain in the butt

I sometimes ignore them

I don’t feel love for them anymore

I don’t play with them

I don’t interact with them except out of anger

I get annoyed by them

I feel totally out of control and I hate myself

I hate how I feel about them! I feel like a total jerk.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)

yes.

4. Who would you be without this thought?

First and foremost I would have no negative reaction to hair, barking, or disobedience.

I wouldn’t have any problem with the floor.

I would just clean up or ask for help cleaning up.

I would probably make some kind of routine.

I would be more responsible for the fact that I do have dogs, they do shed, they are not obedient, and they bark.

Without the thought I might just accept all of that.

I would be more peaceful.

I would not get angry, yell at them, or hit them. I would understand that they do what they do until they don’t. For example:

If Daisy knew how to come when called, she would.

If I knew how to train them better, I would.

If they knew how not to bark, they would.

If they knew that they were not allowed on the couch, they wouldn’t sit on it.

I could put the dogs in ‘project mode’ and realize that I have a certain amount of time set aside and a plan in place to take care of and work with them. THEN I could decide whether or not to get rid of them. :)

I would probably give them everything I’ve got.

I would be patient and kind and loving with them. I would make designated DOG areas and make areas that they are NOT allowed in, to be kind to myself.

I would have a door installed between the kitchen and the front room to limit their access to places that I want to keep free of dog hair.

I would get Daisy to a training class. I would probably make training my dogs a priority.

Turn the thought around.

Dogs SHOULD shed all over the place, bark at the door, and NOT come in when called.

-I notice that’s the reality of it. Dogs bark and shed! They can't help it! And I haven't sufficiently trained them anyway.

Other turnarounds:

-I shouldn’t shed all over the place (I shed my clothing and dishes in piles)
-I shouldn’t bark at the dogs (for barking at the door).
-I shouldn’t call them when I know they won’t come in!
-Dogs SHOULD make the floor dirty and unsanitary for my son. (I notice they do. But I could also inquire into the big 'threat' I seem to think the floors present.)
-I shouldn’t make the floor dirty and unsanitary for my son (by not cleaning up the dog hair in an effective way). Clean floors are not the dog’s business – they are mine.
-I should make the floor clean and sanitary for my son. (True- if that is what I want. Again, it’s my business, not the dog’s.They are my floors after all) (and is that even true?)
-I shouldn’t have a place to sit on the floor without getting dog hair all over myself. (If the reality is that I don’t, then I shouldn’t. However, I would question this as well –

Is it true I don’t have a place to sit on the floor?

Can I know it would be in my best interest to have a place to sit on the floor?

(I do have a place to sit on the floor – upstairs. I just don’t use it all that often.)

Still going....

The dogs should have a place to sit on the couch without getting hair all over it.
The dogs should have a place to sit without getting hair all over the floor.
(It's their house too, apparently!)

I should have to clean up after them all the time. (I should, if what I want is a clean house. I should clean all the time because I notice I do. OK not ALL the time. I should do the work on that too… I 'have' to clean up all the time…)

"My husband and I aren't close anymore"

Anyone who has known my husband and I for any length of time would state unequivocally that we have an inspiring relationship. We are true partners, totally on the same 'team', love to be together, and have awesome communication that keeps us free from excess mental/emotional garbage. I always say I married the man of my dreams; he would tell you that he never thought he could find someone like me.

H o w e v e r . . . I have found myself harboring feelings of anger and resentment towards him lately. It's been going on for a few weeks now - so long that I don't even know why I am angry - I just am angry, all the time. What's my deal? Why do I burst into tears and find myself not wanting to talk to him or be around him? Why do I feel so far away from him?

Everything seems to have changed since our son was born in September. They say it's a strain on a marriage...maybe I just have 'Postpartum Depression'.

Or not.

Here we go...

My husband and I are not close anymore.

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
Yes. At least that's how I feel.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No – I only know what I experience – I guess I can’t know it as TRUTH.

3. How do you react when you think "My husband and I aren't close anymore"?
I feel far away from him. I feel really, really sad. And empty.
I think he doesn’t love me and I get suspicious of him.
I get judgmental and critical of him.
I think that there is something wrong with our relationship and I don’t know what it is. I try to fix it anyway. That doesn't go over very well.
I am angry at him all the time.
I am always frustrated by him.
I get mad when he doesn’t want to talk. In fact, I am just mad at him all the time! For everything! I find fault in everything that he does or doesn’t do.
I get defensive, sarcastic, and rude. I take offense to most everything he says.
I don’t spend time with him. I avoid him. I don’t talk to him except about shallow things.
I don’t like him very much. I don’t like myself very much.
I get mad at myself.
I resent him.
I turn away from my husband, from God, and myself. And then I feel guilty about that.
I hate my life and I want to go back to the beginning of our marriage again.
I hate it being this way. I hate EVERYTHING.
I withhold my love from him and that hurts.
I feel alone.
I feel helpless and small.
I feel like I don’t have a partner anymore.
I don’t feel love for him.
I feel a huge loss. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I worry about what that might mean.
I feel inferior in some way and I’m not sure why.
I am very unhappy and not much fun to be around.
I put myself down in my mind.
I think I must be defective. I feel like a victim and a martyr. I feel unappreciated and unfulfilled.
I don’t talk to him; I think ‘I CAN’T talk to him’.
I feel unattractive and get very upset with myself.
I wonder if I have postpartum depression – I think about that a lot… and that makes me feel really stuck being this way.
I start questioning our marriage.


Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)HEAVENS Yes. Just take another look at that list above!

4. Who would you be without the thought?
*sigh....*
There would be nothing wrong. Things would be great, I would have power back in my life and I would be happy. I would celebrate accomplishments, I would feel like I was moving forward, I would be the boss of me. I would stay in my own business and therefore suffer less. I would love what I have and rejoice in it. I would be spontaneous, creative, witty, funny.
I would do things for him, take care of him (without keeping score!), and I would dream up little surprises for him, which he loves. I would be sweet and supportive to him. I would love him like crazy. (I DO love him like crazy, without my story.)
I would be the woman of his dreams and he would be the man of my dreams (again).
I would feel grateful for what I have.
I would be happy, and I would be happy with myself.
I would be peaceful.
I would feel close to God.

Turn the thought around.
He and I are still close.
This is true. For heaven’s sake, we live together, sleep together, eat together, care for our son together, hang out together. He even folds my underwear neatly when he does the laundry.

I am not close with me anymore.
This is way true. I don’t take that go-inside-and-sit-with-me time for myself. I don’t even have a little 'space' for myself in this house (is that true??)
I am mentally in his business and have therefore left ME. I am totally drifting away from me. I am not giving myself what I need in relationships and expecting my husband to give it to me. Not his job!

After having done this work, I find it so interesting that the 'distance' I feel is a result of simply THINKING that we are distant. I think we are distant, so I go right ahead and act distant. Yet another way of getting how I am the only one who upsets me...

"Falling Off the Wagon"

This one came up at Christmastime.

With regard to eating, I have to be “all or nothing” – meaning, I am either 100% purely healthy or the whole thing goes down the toilet. I have been known as a health food nazi at times in my life. For five years I did not eat any sugar, dairy, or animal products and was completely vigilant about it. I even ate only 100% raw fruits, veggies, nuts, and seeds for a year. Then I got pregnant and started eating all kinds of things - chicken, fish, eggs, dairy, junk food, health food - no real self-imposed limits. I haven't been close to my 'old plan' since. I have tried and failed, and upon investigation, I noticed I live with the belief that in order for me to be successful at eating heathfully, I can not allow myself to eat anything I consider unhealthful, not even in the smallest amount, without falling off the wagon completely. "All or nothing."

Hubby helped me out with this one as we were driving to another Christmas party.

“I have to be all-or-nothing about food”

Is it true?
Yes, it’s true. I really do have to be that way.
No, seriously, it's the only way that works for me.

Can you absolutely know it's true?
OK, no, I can’t absolutely know it’s true. Just because I have been that way in the past does not necessarily mean that it is true for the future...or even true at all.

How do you react when you believe that thought?
I am totally rigid with myself. I am the health food nazi. I see sugar as the evil enemy that must be destroyed or at least avoided like the plague. I sure pay a lot of attention to the sugar, so much attention that I end up eating it. (Funny how that happens, eh?) Then I think that if I have eaten one piece of Christmas candy then I’ve blown the whole plan. May as well just go for it. I end up eating LOTS of pieces of candy, fudge, homemade caramel, dessert...and feel like I have to hide that. But it's sooo good....

I feel like a bad girl, out of control and hopeless. I feel like a hypocrite. I gain weight, feel horrible and get sick. I feel weak. I have been able to eat healthy in the past and I feel like I’ll never get back there again.

Eating healthy seems like an ideal that I will never reach.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? And I'm not asking you to drop it.
Yep, I can see a reason to drop the thought.

Who would you be without the belief "I have to be all or nothing"?
Now this really takes some imagining because I have never lived without the thought...

If I could look at Christmas candy without the thought “It’s all or nothing…” I would actually be FREE to have one piece, if that was what I wanted, or not, and stop after that. Or not! Either way, I would be conscious. I would realize that I’m actually hungry, and eating candy won’t fill me up; I could go find something REAL to eat that will leave me satisfied. And when I do eat that piece of candy, I wouldn’t think “Oh great, I’ve ruined it all now” but rather, I will savor it as a real treat.

Ironically, it’s likely I will end up making healthier choices naturally, because healthy stuff is what I really want anyway. There would be no ‘evil’ to resist and therefore I would be truly free to choose.

Turnaround:
It’s not all or nothing.
This is true. I realize that I actually do trust myself about what I do or don’t like to put in my body. When I am not confused in my thinking, I naturally make healthy eating choices.

My thinking is all or nothing.
(Sometimes Byron Katie uses “my thinking” in a turnaround)
This is true – when I am not conscious to my thoughts, they most definitely have me. Either my thoughts have me or I have my thoughts. No middle of the road here.

I arrived at the Christmas party totally freed up about food. I didn’t have any ‘charge’ on eating the so-called ‘right’ (healthy) way or not. I enjoyed myself, ate what I wanted, and left happy. I had some sweets and I had some healthy stuff. I even tried my sister's wasabi-teriyaki meatballs after not having eaten beef in five years. They were delicious. I ate two, and then I didn't want any more. I enjoyed the few sweets I had, but I gravitated toward the healthy stuff naturally and ended up eating more of that anyway.

The result?
No-drama eating. What a flippin' relief.
Oh and between Christmas and New Year’s I actually lost five pounds - a little unexpected side-effect of shedding some mental weight!