This is an excerpt from a paper I wrote about how our attempts to control our thoughts often fail and why. This is in conjunction with the last newsletter (subscribe at www.rebeccaoverson.com) I sent out about "how to stop shoulding on yourself". I hope it's helpful in clarifying some of the problems created by giving advice!
Shoma Morita, a Japanese Psychologist who was a contemporary of Freud, made a parallel observation. He spoke with disdain of those who instruct people with ideas and advice such as “Let go of the past” and “Believe in yourself.” (This is still going on today but sounds like “Live in the Now.” “Take responsibility for your life.” “Be open to new possibilities.” “Love everyone.”) They are wonderful, encouraging thoughts, and we respond by doing our best to heed the advice given to us. According to Morita,
“These [statements] are all intended to motivate the achievement of certain purposes and results. What is meant by these sayings is that it would be desirable to attain such mental states. If, however, no effective methods and conditions are developed to help a person accomplish such states, then s/he will only become tired of futile attempts encouraged by these sayings; in essence, s/he ends up with unnecessary fatigue and opposite results. Responding to such encouragement is like riding a horse against a wall while hurrying in vain to a destination…
Paradoxically, attempts to induce a brave feeling create more timidity, and attempts to become unconcerned about death make people even more governed by their fear of death” (Morita, 1928, p. 14).
In other words, YES, it would be really really great if we all did everything we knew we SHOULD. It would be ideal if we all loved our neighbors, served each other, forgave, etc. However, we don't know HOW to do all that yet. Few people know HOW to love someone they hate. Few people know HOW to let go of the past.
What Morita is saying - and I think he is right on - is that if we don't know HOW to move to that state of being (or doing) we get burned out, frustrated, and it really backfires. That's what's going on for those people who complain that they 'just can't be perfect' or live up to all the 'expectations' made of them.
And that doesn't mean don't try and do your best, etc. Just question your stressful thoughts about it. Life is about training and development. This is Earth School. So you have to be practicing something to find out what is missing and what would make you more effective.
I did on the work once on "I should be happier". In a nutshell, I realized that this belief actually moves me away from happiness because when I am not happy and I believe this thought, I judge myself, compare myself, feel broken, etc. I lose sight of all happiness I have when I believe that thought. Without the thought I am free to be happy or not, but free - and much more likely to be happy, because there is nothing to fight against, no guilt, etc.
So for me, this is where The Work comes in. It IS the HOW. When you really question your thoughts, it moves you to a different state. You come to see what is real and what is not. You are kinder and gentler to yourself and then to others. You are actually able to let go of the past. It is one way to access a change of heart and a change of mind!
