Thursday, October 2, 2008

Shoulding on yourself

This is an excerpt from a paper I wrote about how our attempts to control our thoughts often fail and why. This is in conjunction with the last newsletter (subscribe at www.rebeccaoverson.com) I sent out about "how to stop shoulding on yourself". I hope it's helpful in clarifying some of the problems created by giving advice!

Shoma Morita, a Japanese Psychologist who was a contemporary of Freud, made a parallel observation. He spoke with disdain of those who instruct people with ideas and advice such as “Let go of the past” and “Believe in yourself.” (This is still going on today but sounds like “Live in the Now.” “Take responsibility for your life.” “Be open to new possibilities.” “Love everyone.”) They are wonderful, encouraging thoughts, and we respond by doing our best to heed the advice given to us. According to Morita,

“These [statements] are all intended to motivate the achievement of certain purposes and results. What is meant by these sayings is that it would be desirable to attain such mental states. If, however, no effective methods and conditions are developed to help a person accomplish such states, then s/he will only become tired of futile attempts encouraged by these sayings; in essence, s/he ends up with unnecessary fatigue and opposite results. Responding to such encouragement is like riding a horse against a wall while hurrying in vain to a destination…

Paradoxically, attempts to induce a brave feeling create more timidity, and attempts to become unconcerned about death make people even more governed by their fear of death” (Morita, 1928, p. 14).



In other words, YES, it would be really really great if we all did everything we knew we SHOULD. It would be ideal if we all loved our neighbors, served each other, forgave, etc. However, we don't know HOW to do all that yet. Few people know HOW to love someone they hate. Few people know HOW to let go of the past.



What Morita is saying - and I think he is right on - is that if we don't know HOW to move to that state of being (or doing) we get burned out, frustrated, and it really backfires. That's what's going on for those people who complain that they 'just can't be perfect' or live up to all the 'expectations' made of them.


And that doesn't mean don't try and do your best, etc. Just question your stressful thoughts about it. Life is about training and development. This is Earth School. So you have to be practicing something to find out what is missing and what would make you more effective.


I did on the work once on "I should be happier". In a nutshell, I realized that this belief actually moves me away from happiness because when I am not happy and I believe this thought, I judge myself, compare myself, feel broken, etc. I lose sight of all happiness I have when I believe that thought. Without the thought I am free to be happy or not, but free - and much more likely to be happy, because there is nothing to fight against, no guilt, etc.



So for me, this is where The Work comes in. It IS the HOW. When you really question your thoughts, it moves you to a different state. You come to see what is real and what is not. You are kinder and gentler to yourself and then to others. You are actually able to let go of the past. It is one way to access a change of heart and a change of mind!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Terror of Anticipation

Can we talk about Brigham Young ? No, not for religious purposes or even college football… but for the opportunity of sharing something that will give you access to freedom! In this quote I found this week, Brigham, who lived in the 19th century, was speaking about a time when a judge stood up in a Mormon meeting and publicly insulted and threatened the group. Of this incident, he says (and I’ve added my own emphasis here):


“…there were men and women in the congregation who suffered more in the anticipation of what might be the result of it in future, than the generality this people have suffered in being actually mobbed.”


Do you ever do that? Do you ever imagine some terrible thing happening to you or those you love: bankruptcy, illness, divorce, misunderstandings, loss, loneliness, failure, or hardship? That’s what we’re talking about here. Find your own example of this.


He continues:

“…They could see, in imagination, all hell let loose upon us, themselves strung up, their ears cut off, their bowels torn out, and this whole people cut to pieces…”


Now look and see if you don’t do the same thing. Look at what images come to mind when you think about this thing you fear. Notice all the pictures that come to mind. What terrible places does your imagination take you? Living in a homeless shelter, being embarrassed, having to ask for help, being alone forever, never making ‘the cut’ and so on? Going on:


“After they had time to think, they found themselves still alive and unhurt, to their great astonishment. They suffered as much as though they had been sent to the bottom of the bottomless pit…I know this people have suffered more by the contemplation of trouble, than they have when actually passing through it…as they have magnified future trouble almost infinitely beyond its real dimensions…”


Isn’t that so true for all of us? See if you can locate a time in the past when you anticipated something unfavorable happening. Which was actually worse – anticipating it, or going through it? Maybe you thought “I could not handle it if…”; now notice that you did handle it – because here you are. Still alive.

And finally:


“…That mankind makes mistakes in these ways must be apparent to those who have felt the workings of hope and fear in their nature. People suffer more in the anticipation of death, than in death itself. There is more suffering in what I call borrowed trouble, than in trouble itself” (from Journal of Discourses, Vol 1, pages 313-315).


Amen, brother Brigham.

I need to have this baby today

As many of you know, I am currently 9 months pregnant. I had a little false alarm on Labor Day (last Monday) - a bout of intense contractions 5 minutes apart. I went to bed that night, CERTAIN that I'd have this baby in my arms on Tuesday. It's now Thursday... no baby yet. Every day started to feel like a disappointment! So I did The Work on this thought:

I need to have this baby today

...and here's how it went.

I need to have this baby today - is that true?

Well, no. I don't need to. I just kind of want to. Or at least that's what I keep thinking, anyway.

I need to have this baby today - how do you react when you think that thought (and you are apparently NOT having the baby today)?

I get disappointed, frustrated, bored, discouraged, think that the future will be better than right now (ha! ask me that when I've had no sleep for 6 weeks!), see pregnancy as a burden, feel like I have to 'do something' to intervene, feel pressure to 'make it happen' somehow, get impatient...

Who would you be without the thought I need to have this baby today?

Peaceful, open, trusting, allowing, relaxed...like I was before. I would allow things to be as they are and I would get on with my life instead of putting it on hold. I would enjoy what is going on right now and savor these last moments before a big change comes!

Turn it around: I need to have this baby today=

I don't need to have this baby today. That is true. I mean, reality tells me that apparently I'm NOT having this baby today, so either I know more than God, or things are going exactly as they ought to.

It's also true because I haven't had the baby yet, and I'm still alive. I'm doing just fine. I'm doing really well, actually! I am healthy, and the baby is healthy; there is no ACTUAL need (as in medical emergency) to get this baby out. Thank heaven.

Another turnaround: This baby needs to have me today. Way truer. I've got plenty to do, but baby apparently needs to still have my body to roost in for awhile. Apparently it still needs to be inside, because it is. I trust babies. I trust my body. This is much better - I'd really rather just wait until the baby chooses to come.

Yet another turnaround: I want to have this baby today. Yes, a want is very different than a need. And at this point I can't even say that's true for me that I WANT to have the baby today. What's truer is I want the baby to come when it's ready.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Whose Business Am I In?

I gave the following exercise in a recent e-zine I sent out to my subscribers and clients about the Three Kinds of Business as taught by Byron Katie. Here are my thoughts on each. (And if you want to subscribe yourself, go to www.rebeccaoverson.com and put your email address in the box provided at the bottom of the page!)

For those who missed the e-zine - the gist is this: There are only three kinds of business in the world: mine, others', and God's. When you are minding someone else's business, you suffer. Period.


Exercise 1
See if you can bring yourself some clarity by determining whose business is whose in each of these examples:

  • Someone doesn't understand you
  • Your feelings are hurt
  • Others don't see things your way
  • You don't have enough money
  • You feel misunderstood by someone
  • A driver on the road rear-ended your car
  • Someone you love passed away
  • A friend doesn't call you back
  • An earthquake caused great damage to your home
  • A prospect does business with your competitor instead
  • Your lover left you for someone else
  • You fear someone else will feel hurt or let down by your actions
  • You are annoyed by someone
  • You don't like a present you received
(For a more in-depth look at each situation read my answers below. But try it yourself FIRST!)

Exercise 2
I invite you to find at least one relationship problem in your life right now.
Ask yourself, "Whose business am I in?"

What do you see? Can you expand your awareness of the situation when you look from this angle?

When you are in someone else's business, is it peaceful or stressful?


What is your business in this situation?

OK, now here are my thoughts on Exercise 1.

* Someone doesn't understand you
What another person understands (or doesn't understand) is their business.

* Your feelings are hurt
Your feelings would be your business. Nobody made you feel anything. You did that by believing what you think without questioning it.

* Others don't see things your way
What other people see is their business. You say what you say, or you do what you do, and they either see things your way or not. "You need them to see things your way" - is that true?

* You don't have enough money
How I make, save, or spend money is my business.

* You feel misunderstood by someone
How you feel is your business. Whether or not they understand you is their business. Do you even understand you? Do you understand them? That's your work, your business.

And question the thought "I need them to understand me."

* A driver on the road rear-ended your car
The moment you entertain thoughts about whether it should or shouldn't have happened, you are in God's business. The reality is that it DID happen. Nothing can change that.
How other people drive is their business.
How you drive is your business.
The ultimate safety and well being of any human being who is doing all they know to do in order to play it safe and smart... is God's business if you ask me! There is an inherent risk of driving that everyone accepts, whether you do that consciously or not.

* Someone you love passed away
Whether I live or die is God's business - Unless I take my own life, and I don't plan on doing that any time soon.
So if you are suffering about someone's death, and you're having thoughts like "This shouldn't have happened" "They died too soon" - you are in God's business. "Death always comes right on time"... like everything else in the world, according to Byron Katie! To presume you know more than God about when people should or shouldn't die definitely puts you in God's business.

And as always, you can question painful thoughts (via The Work) like "This is terrible" "I'll never be the same without them" and so forth.

* A friend doesn't call you back
Who people call or don't call is their business. What are you making it mean that they didn't call you? Can you really know that's true?

* An earthquake caused great damage to your home
Earthquake: God's business.
Whether or not I have earthquake insurance: my business.

* A prospect does business with your competitor instead
Who they work with is their business.
And question any story you have about what you think you did to lose that deal. "If I'd been more flexible, they would have signed with me..." Can you absolutely know that???

* Your lover left you for someone else
Who your lover wants to be with is their business. This one is a tough pill to swallow because we think we can make people love us and we often become who we think they want us to be instead of being who we really are. The reality is, people love whom they love and there is nothing you can do about it. Oh my, there are a zillion painful concepts to be investigated in relationships! For a good read on this subject, buy "I need your love - is that true?" by Byron Katie.

DEFINITELY question any painful conclusions you are drawing about it like "nobody wants me" "There is something wrong with me" "If I'd done x they would have stayed" "I need them in my life" and so on.

* You fear someone else will feel hurt or let down by your actions
Your actions are your business. How others feel is their business.

* You are annoyed by someone
How you feel is your business. If you think you are annoyed by someone, fill out a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet on them and do The Work! You might find the person that annoys you most is YOU. :D

* You don't like a present you received
What you like is your business.
What someone chose to give you is their business.
How you deal with it is your business. Do you feel guilty for not liking it? Do you lie and pretend you do and go out of your way to make sure they know it?
The gift is in the giving, not the object itself. All the meaning you add to an object is your business. Does it bring you stress, or peace? If it's stressful, put your thoughts on paper and question them!

I welcome any questions, insights, or feedback!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

When You Argue With Reality, You LOSE... but only 100% of the time, part 2

(This entry is copied from my Radio Show blog at www.rcrn.info, from the March 12, 2008 "Got Clarity?" Show. For more info please visit my website, www.rebeccaoverson.com)

Tonight on the "Got Clarity?" Show, Kristin took a look at the frustrating thought "I need to be happier." This is a big one, for all of us... we think we need to be happier, prettier, more successful, more joyful... we think we need more romance, more attention, more love, more money... Kristin demonstrated beautifully what happens when we start seeking something - we drive it away.

"I need to be happier"

1. Is that true?

I think so.

2. Can you really know it's true? In other words, can you really know that being happier right now is what would fulfill you? (and I'm not saying it's NOT true... just look - can you really know that?)

No, I can't really know that.

3. How do you react when you think "I need to be happier"?

I get frustrated. Jealous of others. Feel shortchanged. Try really hard to change things in my life. I get full of angst. I treat others like it's their job to make me happy - and they are failing miserably! I am not fun to be around!
(It was at this point that Kristin realized that this thought did not move her in the direction she wanted to go! Nice insight!)

4. Who would you be without the thought "I need to be happier"?

Just more peaceful, and....hm... happier. Wow.

"I need to be happier" - Turn it around:

I don't need to be happier.
It's true in the sense that there are many things in my life right now that I am actually happy about
It's true in the sense that sometimes I am not happy and I'm still here - it doesn't kill me. I don't need it like I need to breathe in order to survive.

Nice work, Kristin. Thanks for your participation.

Please join us Wednesdays at 7pm MST/ 6pm Pacific/ 9pm Eastern for another edition of the "Got Clarity?" Show on the Real Coaching Radio Network. Tune in at www.rebeccaoverson.com or www.rcrn.info. Bring your stressful thoughts with you and see how easy freedom can be!

When You Argue With Reality, You LOSE... but only 100% of the time, part 1

(This post is copied from my blog on RCRN.info, in reference to the launch of my radio show. Dated March 12, 2008)

I just have to say that the "Got Clarity?" Show made a great debut tonight, and not just in my opinion. In the words of those who listened and participated in the chat and on the phones:

"GREAT Show!"
"Very enlightening..."
"I'm on cloud nine"
"I'll be here next week!"
"This ROCKS!"


Thank you SO much for all who participated and tuned in.

For those who were unable to join us, you can replay the podcast in the Real Coaching Radio Widget or later broadcasts in the music player at www.rebeccaoverson.com under the RADIO SHOW tab.

During tonight's show, we got a taste of the brutal truth: When you argue with reality, you lose. But only 100% of the time.

Caller and Chatter "MtnManJim" looked at the idea that "People shouldn't take advantage of me." It went something like this:

"People shouldn't take advantage of me".

1. Is that true?
YES!! I hate it when they do.

2. Can you really know it's true? What's the reality of it?

They do. People do take advantage of me, sometimes.
(We made the point here that indeed, we would all agree that the world would be a better place if people did not take advantage of others... that's just not the way things are on this planet... not yet.) Which leads us to question number three:

3. How do you react when you think "People shouldn't take advantage of you" and they DO?

I get ANGRY. My stomach tenses up. I get suspicious of people. I don't trust them. I try to bring in other people that I do trust to back me up. It's very stressful.

4. Who would you be without the thought "People shouldn't take advantage of me"?

I would see what is happening with more clarity, trust, and peace. I would probably be more honest about when I feel like something is off - I would be responsible for my choices in the interaction.

"People shouldn't take advantage of me" - Turn it around:

a. People should take advantage of me.
I can see that this statement is true in the sense that they DO take advantage of me.
I can also see that sometimes as a realtor, I will be very generous in what I am offering and give people incredible deals, and I WANT them to take advantage of me, in that sense! I want them to accept this incredible deal that I am offering because it serves my purposes. So in that sense, being taken advantage of ain't such a bad thing...

b. I shouldn't take advantage of people.
(Jim had a hard time at first finding how he takes advantage of others. I pointed out that he was chatting in the chat room while 'pretending' to be doing The Work with me. ie. maybe taking a little advantage of something there...?)
Jim saw that he takes advantage of people at times. He's doing his best - he doesn't know how to completely stop doing that yet. Maybe others trying just as hard. Hm. It's great advice... can YOU follow it?

So, when I asked Jim at the end of this piece if it was still true for him that "People shouldn't take advantage of me" he said No, which is different than his original answer (see question #1 above). The insights he gave himself during the process opened his eyes to see what he hadn't seen before - that in reality, the only thing that happens is that someone offers him something and he takes it, or not. "Taking Advantage of..." is a story... an interpretation about a transaction that leaves you not being responsible for checking it out, following your gut, doing your due dilligence.

That's a great example of how investigating your thoughts with The Work of Byron Katie allows the thoughts to let go of YOU.

Nice work, Jim!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

NEW - Internet Radio Show - "Got Clarity?" with Rebecca Overson

I'm thrilled to announce my new show on Real Coaching Radio Network: "Got Clarity?", making its debut Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at 7pm MST/6pm Pacific/9pm Eastern.

As a Clarity Coach, my work focuses primarily around a profound process of self-inquiry called The Work of Byron Katie. This allows you to transform any personal roadblock into a gift, any struggle into freedom, and any area of confusion into clarity by simply asking four questions.

The format of the "Got Clarity?" Show is totally participatory - I will be guiding callers through this process and helping you gain mastery of this totally remarkable tool. I am thrilled to be able to bring The Work to the world in this format! To tune in, visit Real Coaching Radio Network: www.rcrn.info.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

"Being sick ruins everything"

I spent the better part of January 2008 with a terrible flu, cold, and respiratory infection... all while my husband was in Africa for two weeks. My son was sick too, and I have never had to care for myself and a sick baby without hubby's help. It was HORRIBLE. I love that I got to see that I can't choose a different physical experience than the one I am having (I can't wish myself all better) but I CAN work with the mind.

Being sick ruins everything.

Is it true?

No. it does not ruin everything.

How do I react when I think “being sick ruins everything”?

I hate how I feel. I hate being sick. I get resentful. I feel small and powerless. I feel zero motivation. I worry about having to cancel my speaking engagement Tuesday night. I worry about getting things done. I get upset with my son. I sit around and do nothing. I see sickness as an obstacle to everything. I feel frustrated. I feel like I need help and it’s not coming, and that makes me angry. I want homemade chicken soup and I don’t have any. I get angry. I feel like a little girl who can’t take care of herself. I try to sleep and I can’t. I feel like I am wasting my time sitting around all day. I wait all day for the day to be over. Or I wait all day for Baby to take a nap so I can be free of him. I see him as an obstacle. I feel stuck in the house. I just feel stuck. I think about all the awful things that are going to happen this week because I am sick. I see myself still sick by Friday and hating that. I see myself canceling all my appointments and just lying around like an idiot. I feel powerless.

I see my body as weak, broken, inept, incapable, and that makes me angry. My feelings rule the day. I also see myself having to take antibiotics or something because I am so sick, and that's not what I want to do. I see myself getting worse and not better.

Feel sad, angry, upset, thwarted.

Without the thought “being sick ruins everything”:

I would let my symptoms be what they are – symptoms – I would take really good care of myself – I would do whatever it takes to feel good i.e. drink a lot (of water!!), take vit C, suck on lozenges, stay warm, turn up the heat, crank up the humidifier, dress warm, drink lots of water, sit and meditate, do The Work, paint, do something crafty, keep the house clean, ask people to help me. I would clean out the fridge of all the crappy stuff in there that I am not going to eat and that makes me sick to just look at it.

I would eat warm, yummy, comforting food. Drink lots of tea. Deal with it. Be responsible for my well-being. Carry around a pack of Kleenex. Use a neti pot for my nose daily. Gargle daily. Sleep as much as I can. Ask for help with Baby.

Turn it around:

Being sick does not ruin everything.

It does not ruin how good my hair looks. LOL

It does not ruin my ability to be creative.

It does not ruin my ability to keep the house up.

I may still be able to speak by Tuesday night, even if I am sick. Who knows?

Being sick blesses everything.

Makes me take care of my body.

Being sick makes me let others help me. What a blessing.

I get to be on vacation from everything else, if I want. Hmmm… maybe I could go on vacation … somewhere warm for even just a day…

Being healthy ruins everything… ??

hmm. OK, I can see that when I am healthy it ruins my amazing opportunity to sleep all day! ;)

(Can't find any other examples here but feel free to help me out!)

oh and of course: My THINKING ruins everything.

yes. Only always. My thinking "I should feel better" (when I don't) creates a lot of stress.

My thinking makes matters worse. I put so much mental pressure on myself about what I think I 'have' to do - and when I am physically unable to do it, that way of thinking ruins the peace available in that moment.

"I need to be different than I am right now" (as if I have a choice...)

This one came up one morning that I was having a TERRIBLE time emotionally, and a client was on their way to do The Work. In my previous life as a massage therapist, I was always taught that you have to "leave your 'stuff' at the door" before a session, and I was such a wreck this particular morning - as it turns out, the thought "I need to be in a better 'space' to facilitate" was only making matters worse.


"I have to be in a better 'space' to facilitate (my clients) this morning."

Is it true?

No.

How do you react when you think that thought?

Doubtful, nervous, suppressed, focused on self, feel like I am hiding something, harsh on myself, see them as needing something from me and I have to give it, feel inauthentic.

Feel like I have to have it all together.

Feel like a hypocrite, pretending I have answers or really anything to offer.

Feel pressure to perform.

See the session as a potential waste of time.

Feel like I have to lie.

(Sounds fun, huh??)

Who would you be without the thought?

‘this is going to be interesting’

open to spirit

humble

don’t-know mind

grateful

curious

open to love, open to receiving vs. focused on giving

kind and gentle to myself.

Turn it around:

I don’t have to be in a better space to facilitate this morning. True.

Examples:

I have no choice – I am in the space I am in.

Being in this space has me do the work and I am more relaxed and open.

Who is the teacher anyway? ;)

"I don't have enough time."

This is an old one from December 2006 (I had just given birth to my son three months prior). Amazing how there are no new stressful thoughts, huh?!

I also realize, looking back at this, how I have entirely dropped the idea that I even "HAVE TO" do everything. I simply don't get overwhelmed like this anymore by a mountain of tasks that I think MUST be done right now!

Belief: I can’t do everything I have to do because I don’t have enough time.

1. Is it true?

I suppose I could do everything somehow.

I suppose it could be done in the time I have, or even less.

No it is not true.

Possible follow-ups:

ΓΏ What is the reality of it? Did it happen?

It hasn’t even happened yet! But I am sure collecting a lot of evidence for it.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Only if I wait and do nothing, then I could say it was true.

But if that happened I would only know that it WAS true, and the jury would still be out on the future.

(Can I know more than God/reality?)

Nope. I suppose it is entirely possible for me to get everything done and manage all that there is to manage.

3. How do you react when you think that thought?

I get pissy. I cry. I resist. I kick and scream. I feel in a stupor. I get distracted. I make things extremely hard on myself and on others around me.

I feel tension in my head. In my stomach. In my eyes. My eyes burn, my head gets foggy, my spine gets slouchy and tired, my stomach gets hollow. It feels completely draining and deadening. I feel like I am stuck in concrete up to my neck. I have a headache and my jaw gets tense.

I don’t let Hubby support me, and then he feels powerless. I invalidate other people. I make them work really hard to get me sorted out.

I give myself no room and no space to screw up. I am incredibly hard on myself. In fact, I am impossible on myself. I get really negative. I resist doing anything and then I regret that I didn’t take actions. I am a drama queen, I get cranky, and I really limit myself.

I go down a deep dark tunnel. I lash out at everyone. I start unraveling the whole structure of my life. “I can’t do any of this” “I sold out” “this is all wrong” “this isn’t it” “I’ll never do anything right” “I can’t have what I want” “this sucks” “I don’t want any of this” “I don’t trust myself” “I am not in control of my life”

>Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)

Yes. I wouldn’t have all that crap up there.

4. Who would you be without the thought?

Peaceful, present, powerful. A celebration. Magical. Miraculous. I would be someone who amazes myself and others. I would be relieved. I would be energized, alive, vital, creative, and productive.

I would probably get stuff done and have more fun doing it. I would hold myself to a higher level of integrity. I would manage all there is to manage with a lot more power. I would give myself free time. I would take care of and nurture myself and be ruthlessly true to myself. I would probably trust God more and live by the Spirit more.

I would probably be easier on others and I would certainly be more cooperative – part of the team. I wouldn’t worry so much about getting things “right”.

Turn the thought around.

I can do everything I have to do and I have enough time

I can do everything I have to do and I don’t have enough time – YES – I can still do it – time has nothing to do with it.

I am able to do it all – yes. I am actually physically able to do just about anything I want to do.

In my thinking, I can’t do everything I have to do – YES, that is most certainly true .

I have enough time – true, I can see that I waste a lot of time thinking I don’t have enough time because I resist everything.

It is possible to do everything I have to do and do it in time – yes, I can see that could be truer.