"I need financial security" and other scary thoughts about money

from June 2007 - a long one but a GOOD one! We get so crazy about money. The Work helps make you sane about money. Check it out:

I need financial security.

Is it true?

Yes. I can’t feel safe unless I have a lot of money.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No – the reality is that I have never had financial security. What does that even mean? I have done just fine without lots and lots of money. And when I have had lots and lots of money, I didn’t take care of it very well. I don’t have financial security now; apparently I must not truly, truly need it. I also notice that I do have financial security in ways I never noticed before. I don’t worry about paying my bills etc.

How do I react when I believe the thought “I need financial security”, and I don’t have it?

Panic. Terror. Upset. Frustration. Feel totally like a failure. Feel limited, trapped, feel like I am going to die, embarrassed, helpless, totally and completely powerless. I feel like an idiot. I feel regretful; totally regretful. I feel stupid. I regret how I have spent it. I fill myself with what ifs and if only this or that had happened. I see money as the source of my security. I feel weak and small. Helpless. I see myself as totally inept.

The images that come to mind: me as an old woman, alone, have nothing, pushing a shopping cart, deep worry lines on my face, wearing rags, probably insane and mumbling to myself. My children have abandoned me because I am so stupid. Walking around downtown, begging for money, and people pitying me or judging me.

Money is the center point of my existence. Money is more important than freedom, ultimately. Money rules the day. I want more of it. I spend the money I do have. I don’t appreciate it. I treat it carelessly and then regret it. Everything, ultimately boils down to a financial decision. I feel limited by money when I don’t have it; I feel excited and powerful when I do have it. When I don’t have it, and I believe I need it, I get angry at hubby for not making more. I blame him. I get fearful. I get stressed. I bark at him for not paying the bills. I fear creditors calling. I fear a bad credit score. I see opportunities closing down all around me because of that. I see him as irresponsible. I see him as inept. I get angry. It ruins my day. I am embarrassed and apologetic. I feel totally powerless. I feel this tantrum, this rage well up inside me. I imagine having to ask for help and I hate that. I anticipate judgment and criticism from others. I re-live my sisters and my mom telling me that I need to quit trying to make it as a massage therapist and just get a ‘real job’. I feel frustrated. I feel like I can’t ever have what I want. I feel like I have to sell out. I feel like a failure. I feel like whatever I do is not good enough. I feel stupid. I can’t focus, I can’t be present. I get desperate. I am really hard on myself. “You should know better. You are so irresponsible. What is wrong with you? You are so out of control”. I feel out of control. I feel like money is really mysterious and I’ll never have it. I see money as power. I think others will respect me if I have it. I see it as adding credibility. Without it, I see myself not being able to do what I want to do. In essence, I see a future of guilt, misery, embarrassment, regret, powerlessness, and failure.

Who would you be without the thought “I need financial security”?

Well, I have to go to the space of my worst nightmare coming true… losing everything. And then look from there at who I would be without the thought.

So… my worst nightmare: I can see my credit report, and it’s trashed… I can see not being able to pay my bills, my bills being late, losing my phone service, losing my utilities, losing my house, not having money to buy the things I need… I can go to the place of “I don’t have any money to pay my rent”…and without the thought “I need financial security” I would be open to the experience of it. No resistance. Total surrender to the what-isness of it all. I can see that I would move, I would shift from what I am used to having, I would totally have the support of my family, my friends, my church, or the government. I can really see that I will never go without – I will never starve, my children won’t starve. The worst that could happen is that I would be employed at the church thrift store or managing a crew at a fast food place. I can see that in doing that I’m OK. I’m really, really, OK. I am patient. I can see rebuilding things with time but surrendering to that which I cannot change in the meantime. I can see it as an interesting life adventure, a tangent that my life is going on and that I am totally capable of recovering. I can see all the love and support of friends that I have, like my dear friend Shawn Connell, remembering times that he said he totally believes in me and sees me as one of the most capable people on earth.

I can see myself losing my ‘stellar’ reputation…and feeling relieved that I don’t have other people to worry about now. I can worry about /focus on myself for once. I am free.

I can do all kinds of things. I actually feel relieved without the thought. I feel peaceful, I feel powerful to create what is next. I can actually see my creativity emerging, welling up inside me. This is all part of my story… how will it all turn out? Isn’t this interesting.

I can see that I would survive.

I will be totally taken care of and supported by those around me. And if not, I will die a very peaceful, poor lady. That’s my worst nightmare! LOL

Right now, who I would be without the thought…

I would relish the money as it comes in. I would be more responsible for how it goes out. I would see what a true blessing it all is – the currency of it, what it feels like to have it. I would take it more seriously in some ways but less seriously in other ways. I would see that it is all a game and it can be fun to make but my life doesn’t depend on it.

I wouldn’t see me as powerless without it. I would see the absence of it as a space to create.

Would I be regretful? I don’t think so, ultimately. I could just relax about money and let it relax about me. I would be more resourceful and creative. I would be more playful about creating it, utilizing its energy, harnessing its power. I like this.

Money wouldn’t be tied into my image, or anyone else’s for that matter. I would see how much meaning we put on money and I could just laugh as I observe that. I can be totally peaceful in the midst of it. (I am relaxed so deeply right now as I write this.)

Turn it around:

I don’t need financial security.

It’s true.

~ I don’t have it. I have never needed it. What is it anyway?

~ I have everything I need already. I have clothes, I have 2 houses, I have food in the fridge. I have everything I need. I have EVERYTHING I need! (wow, how would it be to just trust that…)

I would be completely, totally, one hundred percent peaceful. I would be the most creative person on earth. I would be a space for miracles to show up – dancing with the unknown - what a blessed life!

~ I see that I already have what I would call financial security. Silly me.

I need security (that doesn’t come from money)

This is truer. What comes to mind is spiritual security. I need INNER security. Money comes and goes, and I am always here. I need inner reliance to get me through, not money to get me through.

This recent “Note from the Universe” comes to mind:

Fear always goes away once two things are realized: First, you're a spiritual being. Second, nothing can ever be lost or taken from a spiritual being that cannot be recreated. Not pride, not money, not love.

Phew!

The Universe

So it’s not even possible for me to be financially UN-secure! I can always create it. I can’t really lose that which is truly mine. Besides, whether or not I have an abundance of money is God’s business.

I need my thinking to be secure. True. I need my thinking to take me to true places, places of peace, rather than scaring myself.

I see that I can never be financially insecure! Oh my. Evidence:

I have never gone without money.

In fact, I have evidence that I am a powerful manifestor.

-I got a job within 2 days of moving to Virginia in 2000
-I had an admin job making $13 an hour in 2000 – (not bad for today, and not bad for SEVEN years ago!
-I got a huge raise and a promotion in a job after only a few months
- I recently got an offer to work part time for a full time salary
-My husband wants me to work for his business
-JT said if she ever needed a CEO she would hire me
- in 2002, when I moved back to Utah from Virginia, my friends Andrew and Bill opened a whole branch/office just for me in Utah – and they had to close it after I left because nobody could keep it afloat after me
-I managed to make enough money while self-employed to owe the IRS $2000 in 1999 when I was just 21 years old! ($2K was a LOT of money to me)
-I have money in the bank right now.
-I own two homes.
-I own a truck and a car.
-I own great furniture.
-I own two dogs and a horse.

I see that the higher truth is that I can’t keep money away from me! Apparently, people seem to want to give me money all the time and really value what I provide. I love that.

I want financial security.

That is truer – I want to be smart with my money and have great cash-generating assets. That makes me feel like I am in a process of education – I get to control or play with it and watch it grow. Amazing. I am amazingly responsible, capable when it comes to making money. I could learn to manage it a little bit better, and I could be excited about that. I AM excited about that. It’s a game!

One thing Katie talks about in "I Need Your Love - Is That True?" is Un-Scaring yourself. In other words, you look at what the WORST thing is you imagine could happen, and you find three genuine ways that you could actually survive it.

So here I go, UN-SCARING MYSELF ABOUT MONEY:

"If I lost everything I have, I couldn’t go on."

"If I was 65 years old and couldn’t retire, that would be the worst thing."

"If I worked my whole life and had nothing to show for it, my life would be a waste, and THAT would be the worst thing."

If I lost everything I have, I could go on. How?

- I would be supported by the Church or by my family.

- I could be open to being moved by the Spirit.

- I could travel the country by hitchhiking and couch surfing.

- I could apply for some kind of grant and start a new business.

If I was 65 years old and couldn’t retire, that wouldn’t be the worst thing. How?

- Wherever I was working, I could be a wise old woman who helps others.

- I could always go back to massage therapy and work at a resort somewhere

- I would have spent so much time doing other things – I could really do what I loved because I would know what that is… maybe.

If I worked my whole life and had ‘nothing’ to show for it, my life would not be a waste. How?

- I would know that I kept myself going for as long as I did. Isn’t that wonderful?

- I have had great experiences with making and losing money

- I am really good at spending it. I never went without. I was generous with my money and didn’t fear holding on to it. I spent it all on other people.

I can mess everything up

“I mess everything up”- is that true?
Sometimes Katie asks for your evidence.

When have I messed everything up? (this is my evidence - truly)

- hmmmm...only just about every guy I have ever dated had some elements that prove I messed everything up.

- by looking stupid in front of that boy I liked when I was 11 years old

- my first marriage and divorce (1998)

- by trying to be self employed at age 19 when I knew nothing about business

- when I broke up with (that poor fellow) right before he left on his church mission

- by turning in my friends for doing drugs and them hating me (8th grade)

- by making boys more important than my best friend (10th grade)

- by not being old enough, mature enough physically, not being able to drive (10th grade)

- by making major decisions too quickly

- by wanting to be Melissa’s locker partner instead of Katie’s (8th grade)

- by showing my boyfriend too much of my emotions over my parent's divorce and him feeling overwhelmed (12th grade)

- by being too messed up over my parent’s divorce (12th grade)

- by letting (that one girl) tag along with my friends (19 yrs old)

- by being too loud and annoying for people (11th grade)

- by being too hard on my friend S. (2005)

- by dating Mr. Wrong 1999

- by not going to college right after high school

- by going in to debt trying to make money with MLMs (1995)

- by not knowing how to do business right at age 19 -not knowing I needed to withhold for taxes and owing the IRS a lot of money

- by getting into debt for no good reason (early 20's)

- by being impulsive about buying a brand new'97 jeep wrangler that I ended up having to sell a year later because the payments were too high (1996)

- by taking jobs I didn't want, out of desperation

- by compromising my standards to try to please people

- by trying to coach people who weren't asking to be coached

- by shoving the good things I love down people’s throats because I think they need it

- by telling my husband how I felt about him way too soon when we were dating (nearly scared the poor guy off) (2002)

- by doing what other people wanted me to do instead of following my heart

- by doing things out of fear and not trusting myself

- by not showing up for work that one day, failing to work out the miscommunication with my boss, and getting fired (1995)

- by criticizing my husband

- by lashing out without thinking

- by having had my priorities in life screwed up at times

- by going on an all raw food diet and thinking it would be healthy for me

- by buying my Honda on a whim (2004)

- by telling my best friend that she was fat (5th grade)

- by being responsible for a mistake that caused a product recall right before Christmas (2004)

- by telling everyone “I’m totally going to marry him” about a dozen different guys (crying wolf)

- by saying mean things to my mom

SEE ALL THE EVIDENCE I HAVE???? So....

I can mess things up.

Is it true?

Yes!!!

Can you really know it’s true?

Hm.

I can’t know how things are really ‘supposed’ to go apart from how I 'think' they should go. So no. I can't know what is messed up and what is not, ultimately.

How do you react when you think that thought, "I can mess everything up"?

I feel sick. Like a complete moron, idiot, regretful, just sick. I feel like I have done something that can never be undone. I hurt people. I see myself as someone who hurts people. I see them as angry and hurt and confused. I feel stupid for saying anything. I regret what I did. I work hard to try to make it right. I am always seeking their forgiveness and approval. I apologize profusely, or I blow it off. Sometimes I see them as stupid, like, why do they care so much? They should just get over it. I work hard to fix things. I see them as totally hating me, broken hearted, damaged beyond repair and I did that to them.

I blame myself – it’s all my fault, I ruined everything, I am an idiot, I beat myself up, I feel terribly guilty and totally responsible for their choices and mine, and I feel responsible for the outcome of their lives for the rest of my life/and theirs. I look out for them all the time. I hope they are doing OK in life because if they are not, I know it was my fault. I have to work really hard to look good. I have to beg sometimes. I am uncertain of the forgiveness that they do grant. I worry. I am preoccupied with thoughts about them sometimes and wonder where they are… etc.

I see myself as a dangerous person, because I am someone who hurts people.

I see God as out of the picture – he wasn’t there because I moved away. I am left alone, that was a mistake, I really screwed up and really have to work hard to make it right. Apparently I have more power to do harm than God has to do good. God was not in control in that moment. I am a bad, bad girl. I am hurtful and mean, stupid, careless, manipulative, probably schizophrenic, or have some kind of bipolar disorder, not whole, not ok.

I see my efforts on the front end as a waste. I see everything as ruined. I see that I have disappointed people and let them down.

I am in total fear of losing something very important to me.

I am not straight with people. I worry far too much about what they think about me. I see the choices I have made as bad ones, mistakes, could have been avoided, wastes of time, hurtful, bad, stupid, wrong.

I live my life trying to be perfect so I don’t mess anything up. I am critical of other people when they appear to mess up. I have a million examples of how I have messed up. Fear of losing everything, ultimately – making some mistake and losing my whole entire future from now to eternity – everything that was ‘supposed’ to be mine will be lost. That feels pretty lousy and hopeless.

I think it’s tragic when I see people doing the same things I did and I work hard to stop it.
At times I think I know what’s best for others and I dictate to them how they should and shouldn’t be and how they should live their lives – I am full of advice – I try to help them avoid pain.

Sometimes I am utterly, completely ashamed and embarrassed – I am embarrassed to simply be alive.

I fear their judgments of me. I have to know that they are OK, that they don’t hate me, that they like me. I have to look out for them forever just to be sure they don’t hate me.

I have to be very calculated about the choices I make because I am paralyzed by fear of messing things up.

I am totally driven by ‘doing the right thing’, and it’s very stressful.

This thought gives birth to other thoughts like: I messed everything up…I hurt people…I’m not OK…what is wrong with me? And then I resort to probably blaming THEM.

I get to feel like an idiot. Woo hoo!

Without the thought I can mess everything up:

I wouldn’t be afraid to make mistakes

I would be relaxed and peaceful and trust myself

I wouldn’t see that list as a list of times I have messed up… how would I see it then? Interesting experiences… could they even be perfect? Could they be part of ‘the plan’? What if things happened exactly as they were supposed to? (That’s steep but I am looking…)

I wouldn’t blame myself for my marriage ending. I, in all those above experiences, might start to see how I was carried through it all, doing the best I could…

Could it be true that I didn’t mess up anyone’s life? Could it be true that I did not hurt anyone?

I would have no regrets

I might start to see perfection/blessings in it all

I might not be embarrassed by my choices

I might actually be proud of my experiences and who I’ve become out of them

I would be compassionate with myself and others – understanding and less critical

I would open to the perfection of it all.

I wouldn’t resist messing things up

I could be playful with my foibles

I wouldn’t have to work so hard to prove that I am perfect

I could own my mistakes, misjudgments, misgivings.

I would be more relaxed.

I wouldn’t worry so much about what others thought of me – back in my own business instead of torturing myself to death

I wouldn’t be afraid to try new things

I could walk by grace and by the spirit

I could trust the perfection of all things

I could fully accept responsibility for my choices.

I am deeply, deeply sorry for the impact of my choices – but not hiding behind the guilt and the blame.

I can mess everything up - Turn it Around:

I can’t mess everything up. (or - I didn’t mess everything up.)

I can’t ultimately know how things were supposed to go.

I can’t ultimately know what another’s path is.

I can’t know that it ultimately was not the best thing to happen to them or to me.

More genuine examples…?Anyone?

I fixed everything up

Oh my, this feels way truer. I can go in to each of those examples and demonstrate how I did everything I knew to do to make things right, in each one of those circumstances.