I got bored of "Thanksgiving" so I did something else

I come from a family of nine kids. Yep, nine kids. Needless to say, Thanksgiving Day is usually mayhem, and a lot of work.

I started getting bummed out by the usual "What are YOU thankful for?" routine - you know, where you go around the table and say something you're grateful for? Ugh. I hate doing ANYTHING out of obligation.

So... a couple years ago I started doing something else: Naikan (pronounced nye-kan). It is the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection, and for me, a direct gateway into overflowing gratitude. (Why talk about being grateful when you can actually BE grateful? Are you catching my drift?)

I invite you to try it with me this month and see how your life blossoms.

The entire process requires a notebook, a pen, and some quiet time with three little questions.

Naikan means "looking inside" or "looking inward", which is precisely what we DON'T do when we are hurt or upset with another person or situation. Though virtually unknown in North America, there are scores of Naikan centers in Japan that use this process in mental health counseling, addiction treatment, schools, business, and even for prisoners. (source: Naikan: Gratitude, Grace, and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection by Gregg Krech)

It's simple, but challenging. Here's the basic way to do it:

Pick any person in your life. Anyone. You can love them or hate them or anything in between - just for now, pick one person. It could be your spouse, a child, co-worker, the pizza delivery guy, your postal worker... neighbor, dog groomer - anyone.

Write down their name at the top of a blank page.

Copy down the first question:

1) What have I received from this person?
Make a list. Really, stop and look. Reflect on everything that this person has given you. What gifts have they given you? How have they supported you? What kind things have they done for you? Give yourself ten minutes and make as thorough a list as possible. Be SPECIFIC.

Next question:

2) What have I given to this person?
What did you actually do for them? What have you given them in return? What kindnesses or favors or simple gifts have you provided? Give yourself another ten minutes and make as thorough a list as possible. Be SPECIFIC.

And finally:

3) What troubles or difficulties have I caused this person?
This can be a difficult question to answer. Did you criticize them? Did you make them pick up your slack? Did you ignore them? Be SPECIFIC.

Again, the purpose of this is for self-reflection, not self-criticism. When you are done with all three questions, simply look at all three lists.

What do you notice?
What are you aware of now that you weren't aware of before?

Please share your insights by commenting on this post or by sending me an email.

I invite you to do this at least FIVE times between now and November 30, 2009. Let's do a little experiment and see what we see. The results might surprise you.

I'll be posting my own examples (as soon as I can find the notebook I've been using for this!)

When You Argue With Reality, You LOSE... but only 100% of the time, part 2

(This entry is copied from my Radio Show blog at www.rcrn.info, from the March 12, 2008 "Got Clarity?" Show. For more info please visit my website, www.rebeccaoverson.com)

Tonight on the "Got Clarity?" Show, Kristin took a look at the frustrating thought "I need to be happier." This is a big one, for all of us... we think we need to be happier, prettier, more successful, more joyful... we think we need more romance, more attention, more love, more money... Kristin demonstrated beautifully what happens when we start seeking something - we drive it away.

"I need to be happier"

1. Is that true?

I think so.

2. Can you really know it's true? In other words, can you really know that being happier right now is what would fulfill you? (and I'm not saying it's NOT true... just look - can you really know that?)

No, I can't really know that.

3. How do you react when you think "I need to be happier"?

I get frustrated. Jealous of others. Feel shortchanged. Try really hard to change things in my life. I get full of angst. I treat others like it's their job to make me happy - and they are failing miserably! I am not fun to be around!
(It was at this point that Kristin realized that this thought did not move her in the direction she wanted to go! Nice insight!)

4. Who would you be without the thought "I need to be happier"?

Just more peaceful, and....hm... happier. Wow.

"I need to be happier" - Turn it around:

I don't need to be happier.
It's true in the sense that there are many things in my life right now that I am actually happy about
It's true in the sense that sometimes I am not happy and I'm still here - it doesn't kill me. I don't need it like I need to breathe in order to survive.

Nice work, Kristin. Thanks for your participation.

Please join us Wednesdays at 7pm MST/ 6pm Pacific/ 9pm Eastern for another edition of the "Got Clarity?" Show on the Real Coaching Radio Network. Tune in at www.rebeccaoverson.com or www.rcrn.info. Bring your stressful thoughts with you and see how easy freedom can be!