Sometimes Katie asks for your evidence.
When have I messed everything up? (this is my evidence - truly)
- hmmmm...only just about every guy I have ever dated had some elements that prove I messed everything up.
- by looking stupid in front of that boy I liked when I was 11 years old
- my first marriage and divorce (1998)
- by trying to be self employed at age 19 when I knew nothing about business
- when I broke up with (that poor fellow) right before he left on his church mission
- by turning in my friends for doing drugs and them hating me (8th grade)- by making boys more important than my best friend (10th grade)
- by not being old enough, mature enough physically, not being able to drive (10th grade)
- by making major decisions too quickly
- by wanting to be Melissa’s locker partner instead of Katie’s (8th grade)
- by showing my boyfriend too much of my emotions over my parent's divorce and him feeling overwhelmed (12th grade)
- by being too messed up over my parent’s divorce (12th grade)
- by letting (that one girl) tag along with my friends (19 yrs old)
- by being too loud and annoying for people (11th grade)
- by being too hard on my friend S. (2005)
- by dating Mr. Wrong 1999
- by not going to college right after high school
- by going in to debt trying to make money with MLMs (1995)
- by not knowing how to do business right at age 19 -not knowing I needed to withhold for taxes and owing the IRS a lot of money
- by getting into debt for no good reason (early 20's)
- by being impulsive about buying a brand new'97 jeep wrangler that I ended up having to sell a year later because the payments were too high (1996)
- by taking jobs I didn't want, out of desperation
- by compromising my standards to try to please people
- by trying to coach people who weren't asking to be coached
- by shoving the good things I love down people’s throats because I think they need it
- by telling my husband how I felt about him way too soon when we were dating (nearly scared the poor guy off) (2002)
- by doing what other people wanted me to do instead of following my heart
- by doing things out of fear and not trusting myself
- by not showing up for work that one day, failing to work out the miscommunication with my boss, and getting fired (1995)
- by criticizing my husband
- by lashing out without thinking
- by having had my priorities in life screwed up at times
- by going on an all raw food diet and thinking it would be healthy for me
- by buying my Honda on a whim (2004)
- by telling my best friend that she was fat (5th grade)
- by being responsible for a mistake that caused a product recall right before Christmas (2004)
- by telling everyone “I’m totally going to marry him” about a dozen different guys (crying wolf)
- by saying mean things to my mom
SEE ALL THE EVIDENCE I HAVE????
I can mess things up.
Is it true?
Yes!!!
Can you really know it’s true?
Hm.
I can’t know how things are really ‘supposed’ to go apart from how I 'think' they should go. So no. I can't know what is messed up and what is not, ultimately.
How do you react when you think that thought, "I can mess everything up"?
I feel sick. Like a complete moron, idiot, regretful, just sick. I feel like I have done something that can never be undone. I hurt people. I see myself as someone who hurts people. I see them as angry and hurt and confused. I feel stupid for saying anything. I regret what I did. I work hard to try to make it right. I am always seeking their forgiveness and approval. I apologize profusely, or I blow it off. Sometimes I see them as stupid, like, why do they care so much? They should just get over it. I work hard to fix things. I see them as totally hating me, broken hearted, damaged beyond repair and I did that to them.
I blame myself – it’s all my fault, I ruined everything, I am an idiot, I beat myself up, I feel terribly guilty and totally responsible for their choices and mine, and I feel responsible for the outcome of their lives for the rest of my life/and theirs. I look out for them all the time. I hope they are doing OK in life because if they are not, I know it was my fault. I have to work really hard to look good. I have to beg sometimes. I am uncertain of the forgiveness that they do grant. I worry. I am preoccupied with thoughts about them sometimes and wonder where they are… etc.
I see myself as a dangerous person, because I am someone who hurts people.
I see God as out of the picture – he wasn’t there because I moved away. I am left alone, that was a mistake, I really screwed up and really have to work hard to make it right. Apparently I have more power to do harm than God has to do good. God was not in control in that moment. I am a bad, bad girl. I am hurtful and mean, stupid, careless, manipulative, probably schizophrenic, or have some kind of bipolar disorder, not whole, not ok.
I see my efforts on the front end as a waste. I see everything as ruined. I see that I have disappointed people and let them down.
I am in total fear of losing something very important to me.
I am not straight with people. I worry far too much about what they think about me. I see the choices I have made as bad ones, mistakes, could have been avoided, wastes of time, hurtful, bad, stupid, wrong.
I live my life trying to be perfect so I don’t mess anything up. I am critical of other people when they appear to mess up. I have a million examples of how I have messed up. Fear of losing everything, ultimately – making some mistake and losing my whole entire future from now to eternity – everything that was ‘supposed’ to be mine will be lost. That feels pretty lousy and hopeless.
I think it’s tragic when I see people doing the same things I did and I work hard to stop it.
At times I think I know what’s best for others and I dictate to them how they should and shouldn’t be and how they should live their lives – I am full of advice – I try to help them avoid pain.
Sometimes I am utterly, completely ashamed and embarrassed – I am embarrassed to simply be alive.
I fear their judgments of me. I have to know that they are OK, that they don’t hate me, that they like me. I have to look out for them forever just to be sure they don’t hate me.
I have to be very calculated about the choices I make because I am paralyzed by fear of messing things up.
I am totally driven by ‘doing the right thing’, and it’s very stressful.
This thought gives birth to other thoughts like: I messed everything up…I hurt people…I’m not OK…what is wrong with me? And then I resort to probably blaming THEM.
I get to feel like an idiot. Woo hoo!
Without the thought I can mess everything up:
I wouldn’t be afraid to make mistakes
I would be relaxed and peaceful and trust myself
I wouldn’t see that list as a list of times I have messed up… how would I see it then? Interesting experiences… could they even be perfect? Could they be part of ‘the plan’? What if things happened exactly as they were supposed to? (That’s steep but I am looking…)
I wouldn’t blame myself for my marriage ending. I, in all those above experiences, might start to see how I was carried through it all, doing the best I could…
Could it be true that I didn’t mess up anyone’s life? Could it be true that I did not hurt anyone?
I would have no regrets
I might start to see perfection/blessings in it all
I might not be embarrassed by my choices
I might actually be proud of my experiences and who I’ve become out of them
I would be compassionate with myself and others – understanding and less critical
I would open to the perfection of it all.
I wouldn’t resist messing things up
I could be playful with my foibles
I wouldn’t have to work so hard to prove that I am perfect
I could own my mistakes, misjudgments, misgivings.
I would be more relaxed.
I wouldn’t worry so much about what others thought of me – back in my own business instead of torturing myself to death
I wouldn’t be afraid to try new things
I could walk by grace and by the spirit
I could trust the perfection of all things
I could fully accept responsibility for my choices.
I am deeply, deeply sorry for the impact of my choices – but not hiding behind the guilt and the blame.
I can mess everything up - Turn it Around:
I can’t mess everything up. (or - I didn’t mess everything up.)
I can’t ultimately know how things were supposed to go.
I can’t ultimately know what another’s path is.
I can’t know that it ultimately was not the best thing to happen to them or to me.
More genuine examples…?Anyone?
I fixed everything up
Oh my, this feels way truer. I can go in to each of those examples and demonstrate how I did everything I knew to do to make things right, in each one of those circumstances.
1 comment:
I know how you feel in this one and it made me cry.
I also wondered if that is how my son feels sometimes because he is Bipolar/ADHD and does so many things on impulse. He often says, "It is all my fault" and sadly somtimes I think it is all his fault, even though I know that is not true.
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