"I want dinner from Cafe Rio."

A fun one from Aug. 6, 2007. It goes goes to show how the work can bring clarity to things that seem silly and trivial... Turns out there are more to my wants than I think!

Belief: I want dinner from Café Rio. Is it true?

YES!

Can I absolutely know it’s true that I want dinner from Café Rio?

No – it might be something else I want that seems to look like dinner from Café Rio but I can’t really know that dinner from Café Rio is what I really want.

How do I react when I believe the thought?

I feel guilty for spending more money on dining out. I worry. I have to justify it. Nothing here in my fridge looks good. I feel guilty for having spent $175 at the grocery store yesterday only to go out and spend more money and not use what I just bought.

Who would I be without the thought?

Cheerfully looking through my cupboards and fridge, preparing something wonderful to eat. Satisfied and peaceful.

Turn it around: I don’t want dinner from Café Rio.

This could be as true – I really just want dinner. It doesn’t have to be from Café Rio.

I want dinner from me.

This feels truer – I want me to feed myself and be resourceful with what I have.

I think I’ll go make dinner.

Dogs should not shed or bark and should come when called!

This is a good one. From January 31, 2007:

Belief:

Dogs shouldn’t shed all over the place, bark at the door, and should come in when called.

Dogs shouldn’t make the floor dirty and unsanitary for my infant son. I should have a place to sit on the floor without getting dog hair all over myself. I shouldn’t have to clean up after them all the time.

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?

The reality is that they do shed, bark, and ignore me sometimes.

And I do have to clean up after them all the time (if I want a clean house).

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

I can’t know that I would be happier but I sure think I would. It really looks like my life would be much easier if I didn’t have to deal with the dogs all the time. So, I don't know.

3. How do you react when you think that thought?

I get so angry and so frustrated and so tired.

I feel like a prisoner in my own house.

I HATE the dogs.

I couldn’t care less about them.

I am mean to them

I yell at them

I smack them in frustration sometimes

I worry that my angst towards them will have a negative impact on my son (being a bad example)

I get mad at them all the time

I am resentful

I hate sweeping the floor

I hate cleaning off the furniture

I hate the house I live in because it feels like there is no space for me

I don’t talk to my husband because I think my negative feelings about the dogs will hurt his feelings

I think that I want to get rid of the dogs

I keep them in the laundry room and avoid them

I see them as a nuisance and a major pain in the butt

I sometimes ignore them

I don’t feel love for them anymore

I don’t play with them

I don’t interact with them except out of anger

I get annoyed by them

I feel totally out of control and I hate myself

I hate how I feel about them! I feel like a total jerk.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)

yes.

4. Who would you be without this thought?

First and foremost I would have no negative reaction to hair, barking, or disobedience.

I wouldn’t have any problem with the floor.

I would just clean up or ask for help cleaning up.

I would probably make some kind of routine.

I would be more responsible for the fact that I do have dogs, they do shed, they are not obedient, and they bark.

Without the thought I might just accept all of that.

I would be more peaceful.

I would not get angry, yell at them, or hit them. I would understand that they do what they do until they don’t. For example:

If Daisy knew how to come when called, she would.

If I knew how to train them better, I would.

If they knew how not to bark, they would.

If they knew that they were not allowed on the couch, they wouldn’t sit on it.

I could put the dogs in ‘project mode’ and realize that I have a certain amount of time set aside and a plan in place to take care of and work with them. THEN I could decide whether or not to get rid of them. :)

I would probably give them everything I’ve got.

I would be patient and kind and loving with them. I would make designated DOG areas and make areas that they are NOT allowed in, to be kind to myself.

I would have a door installed between the kitchen and the front room to limit their access to places that I want to keep free of dog hair.

I would get Daisy to a training class. I would probably make training my dogs a priority.

Turn the thought around.

Dogs SHOULD shed all over the place, bark at the door, and NOT come in when called.

-I notice that’s the reality of it. Dogs bark and shed! They can't help it! And I haven't sufficiently trained them anyway.

Other turnarounds:

-I shouldn’t shed all over the place (I shed my clothing and dishes in piles)
-I shouldn’t bark at the dogs (for barking at the door).
-I shouldn’t call them when I know they won’t come in!
-Dogs SHOULD make the floor dirty and unsanitary for my son. (I notice they do. But I could also inquire into the big 'threat' I seem to think the floors present.)
-I shouldn’t make the floor dirty and unsanitary for my son (by not cleaning up the dog hair in an effective way). Clean floors are not the dog’s business – they are mine.
-I should make the floor clean and sanitary for my son. (True- if that is what I want. Again, it’s my business, not the dog’s.They are my floors after all) (and is that even true?)
-I shouldn’t have a place to sit on the floor without getting dog hair all over myself. (If the reality is that I don’t, then I shouldn’t. However, I would question this as well –

Is it true I don’t have a place to sit on the floor?

Can I know it would be in my best interest to have a place to sit on the floor?

(I do have a place to sit on the floor – upstairs. I just don’t use it all that often.)

Still going....

The dogs should have a place to sit on the couch without getting hair all over it.
The dogs should have a place to sit without getting hair all over the floor.
(It's their house too, apparently!)

I should have to clean up after them all the time. (I should, if what I want is a clean house. I should clean all the time because I notice I do. OK not ALL the time. I should do the work on that too… I 'have' to clean up all the time…)

"My husband and I aren't close anymore"

Anyone who has known my husband and I for any length of time would state unequivocally that we have an inspiring relationship. We are true partners, totally on the same 'team', love to be together, and have awesome communication that keeps us free from excess mental/emotional garbage. I always say I married the man of my dreams; he would tell you that he never thought he could find someone like me.

H o w e v e r . . . I have found myself harboring feelings of anger and resentment towards him lately. It's been going on for a few weeks now - so long that I don't even know why I am angry - I just am angry, all the time. What's my deal? Why do I burst into tears and find myself not wanting to talk to him or be around him? Why do I feel so far away from him?

Everything seems to have changed since our son was born in September. They say it's a strain on a marriage...maybe I just have 'Postpartum Depression'.

Or not.

Here we go...

My husband and I are not close anymore.

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
Yes. At least that's how I feel.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No – I only know what I experience – I guess I can’t know it as TRUTH.

3. How do you react when you think "My husband and I aren't close anymore"?
I feel far away from him. I feel really, really sad. And empty.
I think he doesn’t love me and I get suspicious of him.
I get judgmental and critical of him.
I think that there is something wrong with our relationship and I don’t know what it is. I try to fix it anyway. That doesn't go over very well.
I am angry at him all the time.
I am always frustrated by him.
I get mad when he doesn’t want to talk. In fact, I am just mad at him all the time! For everything! I find fault in everything that he does or doesn’t do.
I get defensive, sarcastic, and rude. I take offense to most everything he says.
I don’t spend time with him. I avoid him. I don’t talk to him except about shallow things.
I don’t like him very much. I don’t like myself very much.
I get mad at myself.
I resent him.
I turn away from my husband, from God, and myself. And then I feel guilty about that.
I hate my life and I want to go back to the beginning of our marriage again.
I hate it being this way. I hate EVERYTHING.
I withhold my love from him and that hurts.
I feel alone.
I feel helpless and small.
I feel like I don’t have a partner anymore.
I don’t feel love for him.
I feel a huge loss. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I worry about what that might mean.
I feel inferior in some way and I’m not sure why.
I am very unhappy and not much fun to be around.
I put myself down in my mind.
I think I must be defective. I feel like a victim and a martyr. I feel unappreciated and unfulfilled.
I don’t talk to him; I think ‘I CAN’T talk to him’.
I feel unattractive and get very upset with myself.
I wonder if I have postpartum depression – I think about that a lot… and that makes me feel really stuck being this way.
I start questioning our marriage.


Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)HEAVENS Yes. Just take another look at that list above!

4. Who would you be without the thought?
*sigh....*
There would be nothing wrong. Things would be great, I would have power back in my life and I would be happy. I would celebrate accomplishments, I would feel like I was moving forward, I would be the boss of me. I would stay in my own business and therefore suffer less. I would love what I have and rejoice in it. I would be spontaneous, creative, witty, funny.
I would do things for him, take care of him (without keeping score!), and I would dream up little surprises for him, which he loves. I would be sweet and supportive to him. I would love him like crazy. (I DO love him like crazy, without my story.)
I would be the woman of his dreams and he would be the man of my dreams (again).
I would feel grateful for what I have.
I would be happy, and I would be happy with myself.
I would be peaceful.
I would feel close to God.

Turn the thought around.
He and I are still close.
This is true. For heaven’s sake, we live together, sleep together, eat together, care for our son together, hang out together. He even folds my underwear neatly when he does the laundry.

I am not close with me anymore.
This is way true. I don’t take that go-inside-and-sit-with-me time for myself. I don’t even have a little 'space' for myself in this house (is that true??)
I am mentally in his business and have therefore left ME. I am totally drifting away from me. I am not giving myself what I need in relationships and expecting my husband to give it to me. Not his job!

After having done this work, I find it so interesting that the 'distance' I feel is a result of simply THINKING that we are distant. I think we are distant, so I go right ahead and act distant. Yet another way of getting how I am the only one who upsets me...

"Falling Off the Wagon"

This one came up at Christmastime.

With regard to eating, I have to be “all or nothing” – meaning, I am either 100% purely healthy or the whole thing goes down the toilet. I have been known as a health food nazi at times in my life. For five years I did not eat any sugar, dairy, or animal products and was completely vigilant about it. I even ate only 100% raw fruits, veggies, nuts, and seeds for a year. Then I got pregnant and started eating all kinds of things - chicken, fish, eggs, dairy, junk food, health food - no real self-imposed limits. I haven't been close to my 'old plan' since. I have tried and failed, and upon investigation, I noticed I live with the belief that in order for me to be successful at eating heathfully, I can not allow myself to eat anything I consider unhealthful, not even in the smallest amount, without falling off the wagon completely. "All or nothing."

Hubby helped me out with this one as we were driving to another Christmas party.

“I have to be all-or-nothing about food”

Is it true?
Yes, it’s true. I really do have to be that way.
No, seriously, it's the only way that works for me.

Can you absolutely know it's true?
OK, no, I can’t absolutely know it’s true. Just because I have been that way in the past does not necessarily mean that it is true for the future...or even true at all.

How do you react when you believe that thought?
I am totally rigid with myself. I am the health food nazi. I see sugar as the evil enemy that must be destroyed or at least avoided like the plague. I sure pay a lot of attention to the sugar, so much attention that I end up eating it. (Funny how that happens, eh?) Then I think that if I have eaten one piece of Christmas candy then I’ve blown the whole plan. May as well just go for it. I end up eating LOTS of pieces of candy, fudge, homemade caramel, dessert...and feel like I have to hide that. But it's sooo good....

I feel like a bad girl, out of control and hopeless. I feel like a hypocrite. I gain weight, feel horrible and get sick. I feel weak. I have been able to eat healthy in the past and I feel like I’ll never get back there again.

Eating healthy seems like an ideal that I will never reach.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? And I'm not asking you to drop it.
Yep, I can see a reason to drop the thought.

Who would you be without the belief "I have to be all or nothing"?
Now this really takes some imagining because I have never lived without the thought...

If I could look at Christmas candy without the thought “It’s all or nothing…” I would actually be FREE to have one piece, if that was what I wanted, or not, and stop after that. Or not! Either way, I would be conscious. I would realize that I’m actually hungry, and eating candy won’t fill me up; I could go find something REAL to eat that will leave me satisfied. And when I do eat that piece of candy, I wouldn’t think “Oh great, I’ve ruined it all now” but rather, I will savor it as a real treat.

Ironically, it’s likely I will end up making healthier choices naturally, because healthy stuff is what I really want anyway. There would be no ‘evil’ to resist and therefore I would be truly free to choose.

Turnaround:
It’s not all or nothing.
This is true. I realize that I actually do trust myself about what I do or don’t like to put in my body. When I am not confused in my thinking, I naturally make healthy eating choices.

My thinking is all or nothing.
(Sometimes Byron Katie uses “my thinking” in a turnaround)
This is true – when I am not conscious to my thoughts, they most definitely have me. Either my thoughts have me or I have my thoughts. No middle of the road here.

I arrived at the Christmas party totally freed up about food. I didn’t have any ‘charge’ on eating the so-called ‘right’ (healthy) way or not. I enjoyed myself, ate what I wanted, and left happy. I had some sweets and I had some healthy stuff. I even tried my sister's wasabi-teriyaki meatballs after not having eaten beef in five years. They were delicious. I ate two, and then I didn't want any more. I enjoyed the few sweets I had, but I gravitated toward the healthy stuff naturally and ended up eating more of that anyway.

The result?
No-drama eating. What a flippin' relief.
Oh and between Christmas and New Year’s I actually lost five pounds - a little unexpected side-effect of shedding some mental weight!

Living the Turnaround: Love Songs

"Nobody can hurt me. That's my job." - Byron Katie

Byron Katie says that what hurts us - what we suffer about - is not what happens but rather, the painful conclusions we draw and then live out. I have found that to be true in my life, especially when I feel 'hurt' by someone else. I realize, through The Work, that they did what they did once and then I keep hurting myself over and over again.

I have also found that the key to freedom in any relationship is understanding the three kinds of 'business' in life that Katie talks about - yours, mine, and God's - and that when I am out of my own business, I suffer, period. What you do is your business. How I react to what you do is my business. When I leave me and go into your business (what I think you should have/shouldn't have done etc.) then there's nobody here with me. I feel alone and unloved, not because you left me, but because I left me.

So I woke up Saturday morning with Whitney Houston's song Heartbreak Hotel in my head for some strange reason. It's a typical "you hurt me" song that so many women can relate to, one of many popular songs expressing the same old pain over and over again. "Men shouldn't lie. Is that true?" What's the reality of it? Men lie. And so do women, especially to ourselves when we say that men shouldn't lie, when in reality they do! It's called being human. If we knew how to tell the truth all the time, we would.

One of the biggest lies of all is "I need your love in order to be happy."

Anyway, as I was singing the words, a switch flipped on in my mind and I decided to turn it all around. Suddenly it becomes an anthem to Katie's advice to give YOURSELF whatever you think others should give you. Fascinating! I think I discovered a whole new genre of music waiting to be released!

Heartbreak Hotel - the turnaround version

You said that you’d be here by nine
And said you took my time
You didn't think to call me

Here I sit trying not to cry
Asking myself why I do this to me

Since I’m not around for me to tell me baby, face to face
I'm writing me this letter, and this is what I have to say:

All I really wanted was some of my time
Instead I told me lies when someone else was on my mind
What I do to me
Look what I did to me

I thought that I was someone who would do me right
Until I play with my emotions and I made me cry
What I do to me
Can't take what I did to me

Now I see that I've been doing wrong
I played me all along, and made a fool of me, baby
I got it all wrong to think that I wouldn't find out
That I was cheating on me.
How could I do it to me?

This is the heartbreak hotel
This is the heartbreak hotel...

"My neighbors should bring their trash cans in"

From October 17, 2006 9:10pm

I had recently moved to a new street and didn't like the view from my front porch. Every day I would look across the street at a duplex that housed a family on one side that never brought their trash cans in off the curb. Trash would overflow everywhere and blow all over the street. There was even a blue Rite-Aid shopping cart permanently parked in front of the house. I hated looking at it all and I hated finding their trash in my yard for weeks and weeks. I began to regret moving to this street and wondered if we'd made the right choice.

I had decided earlier to try The Work on something that seemed really petty and this seemed to be a good fit. Turns out I was the one that needed to pick up the garbage - in my thinking.

Through doing The Work, the most startling realization I had was that with the belief "My neighbors should pick up their garbage", I treat garbage as more important than people. Before doing The Work on this, I never even took the time to meet the family who lived there because all I could see was their trash. I hated people I didn't even know. I claim to be a 'loving' person, and that realization broke my heart.

The best part of this piece were the turnarounds and that's what I want to share in this post.

Here is what I wrote out on my "Judge Your Neighbor" Worksheet:

My neighbors should bring their trash cans in.
They should get rid of all their garbage in front of the house.
They make the street look like a dump.
It makes me angry to have to pick up their trash in my yard.
They are disgusting pigs and I want them to leave.
It’s disgusting that they would just leave it there, all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.
I can’t believe they just leave trash all over the place.
I hate looking at their garbage.
It makes the street look like a ghetto, makes my neighborhood look trashy.
They are bringing down the property value.
I hate looking at the view across the street – that duplex is a dump.

Now, check out these turnarounds....

I should bring my neighbors’ trash cans in.
-What looked like an fuming eyesore 10 minutes ago now genuinely occurs as an opportunity to love and serve my neighbor. For whatever reason, they aren't able to take care of their trash and I certainly have the capacity to do something about it. May as well take the shopping cart back to Rite-Aid while I'm at it...

I should get rid of all their garbage in front of the house.
-Yes! I'm the one who has a problem with it! And I should also get rid of all the garbage in my thinking.

I make the street look like a dump
-I can see that - I don't pick up the garbage - the garbage that I have a problem with. I don't do anything about it. I don't take care of my community.

I love to have to pick up MY trash in my yard.
-If it's in MY yard, it's MY trash! And I love keeping my yard clean so yes, this is totally true.

I am a disgusting pig and I want me to leave.
-Yes, when I make trash more important than people, that is really disgusting to me. I want me to leave the house, leave my trashy thinking, and go meet the neighbors.

It’s perfect that they would just leave it there, all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.
-That's right, because that's what is. It is perfect. I get to do The Work on it, I get to see where I am stuck, and I get to set myself free. All because of the trash. I am beginning to love the trash.
Side note: I can also see the possibility that God put me on this street just for these people. Who knows? And if He's going to use trash as a way to get my attention, it is indeed perfect that they would just leave it there all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.

I can’t believe I just leave trash all over the place.
-Yep, that's right. I actually leave the trash in my front yard just to prove a point and make them wrong! "SEE! Your friggin' trash is in MY yard!"

I love looking at my garbage.
-That's totally true. I say I love transformation. And transformation, in my experience, is all about looking at your garbage.

It makes the street look like heaven, makes my neighborhood look perfect.
-With the belief, I treat God like a fool - like there couldn't possibly be any divine purpose in me being on this street with these neighbors and that garbage. Without the belief, I can see the possibility that this is exactly where I need to be. Also, when I just deal with what IS, and question the stressful stories I create, then I can see that things are perfect exactly as they are. And that is heaven.

I am bringing down the property value.
-True, by not picking up the trash in my yard, or the trash in my neighborhood. I am also bringing down the people value in my thinking.

I love looking at the view across the street – that duplex is wonderful.
-Yes, without the belief that "My neighbors should pick up their trash" I can actually see human beings over there - human beings just like me who are doing the best they can with what they have. If they knew how to pick up their garbage, they would. Without the belief I am returned to my deep commitment to love others and serve humanity. This duplex is no exception. I can honestly see that now.

After I did The Work, I was compelled into loving action - I couldn't help it - there wasn't anything I could do about it. With hubby's help, all the garbage was secretly cleaned up late one night and the shopping cart went home to Rite-Aid. The next weekend I took the opportunity to meet my neighbors - a two-year-old and a young single mom on government assistance. Ironically, they moved a month later. God must have a sense of humor.

"I should be able to do it all by myself"

Saturday, December 9, 12:19AM

Being a new mom and caring for a child 24/7 can feel overwhelming...especially with this belief:

"I should be able to do it all by myself."

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
No. I notice I can’t.

3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I don’t ask for help. I CAN’T ask for help. I make unreasonable expectations of myself. I am disappointed when I don’t meet them. I try to get everything done and it doesn’t get done. I get frustrated. I go to bed angry, and wake up resigned. I refuse offers for help, and then I become a victim and a martyr of whatever needs to be done. I feel totally defeated and kicked in the butt by life.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
yes.

4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would see what I can and can’t do – I would be more realistic. I would allow others to help me. I would probably get more done and feel proud of whatever I accomplish. I would go to bed satisfied. I would outright ask for what I need and I would give honest answers when help is offered. I wouldn’t pretend that I can do everything and that would give me a lot of freedom and more honesty in my life. I like that.

Turn the thought around.
I shouldn’t be able to do it all by myself.
This is true – I notice that I can’t get everything done by myself.

I should be able to do it with the help of others.
Again, this is true. Nothing like stating the obvious...