Doing The Work

I got bored of "Thanksgiving" so I did something else

2009-11-13T09:45:00.008-07:00

I come from a family of nine kids. Yep, nine kids. Needless to say, Thanksgiving Day is usually mayhem, and a lot of work.

I started getting bummed out by the usual "What are YOU thankful for?" routine - you know, where you go around the table and say something you're grateful for? Ugh. I hate doing ANYTHING out of obligation.

So... a couple years ago I started doing something else: Naikan (pronounced nye-kan). It is the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection, and for me, a direct gateway into overflowing gratitude. (Why talk about being grateful when you can actually BE grateful? Are you catching my drift?)

I invite you to try it with me this month and see how your life blossoms.

The entire process requires a notebook, a pen, and some quiet time with three little questions.

Naikan means "looking inside" or "looking inward", which is precisely what we DON'T do when we are hurt or upset with another person or situation. Though virtually unknown in North America, there are scores of Naikan centers in Japan that use this process in mental health counseling, addiction treatment, schools, business, and even for prisoners. (source: Naikan: Gratitude, Grace, and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection by Gregg Krech)

It's simple, but challenging. Here's the basic way to do it:

Pick any person in your life. Anyone. You can love them or hate them or anything in between - just for now, pick one person. It could be your spouse, a child, co-worker, the pizza delivery guy, your postal worker... neighbor, dog groomer - anyone.

Write down their name at the top of a blank page.

Copy down the first question:

1) What have I received from this person?
Make a list. Really, stop and look. Reflect on everything that this person has given you. What gifts have they given you? How have they supported you? What kind things have they done for you? Give yourself ten minutes and make as thorough a list as possible. Be SPECIFIC.

Next question:

2) What have I given to this person?
What did you actually do for them? What have you given them in return? What kindnesses or favors or simple gifts have you provided? Give yourself another ten minutes and make as thorough a list as possible. Be SPECIFIC.

And finally:

3) What troubles or difficulties have I caused this person?
This can be a difficult question to answer. Did you criticize them? Did you make them pick up your slack? Did you ignore them? Be SPECIFIC.

Again, the purpose of this is for self-reflection, not self-criticism. When you are done with all three questions, simply look at all three lists.

What do you notice?
What are you aware of now that you weren't aware of before?

Please share your insights by commenting on this post or by sending me an email.

I invite you to do this at least FIVE times between now and November 30, 2009. Let's do a little experiment and see what we see. The results might surprise you.

I'll be posting my own examples (as soon as I can find the notebook I've been using for this!)

Shoulding on yourself

2008-10-02T23:23:00.003-06:00

This is an excerpt from a paper I wrote about how our attempts to control our thoughts often fail and why. This is in conjunction with the last newsletter (subscribe at www.rebeccaoverson.com) I sent out about "how to stop shoulding on yourself". I hope it's helpful in clarifying some of the problems created by giving advice!

Shoma Morita, a Japanese Psychologist who was a contemporary of Freud, made a parallel observation. He spoke with disdain of those who instruct people with ideas and advice such as “Let go of the past” and “Believe in yourself.” (This is still going on today but sounds like “Live in the Now.” “Take responsibility for your life.” “Be open to new possibilities.” “Love everyone.”) They are wonderful, encouraging thoughts, and we respond by doing our best to heed the advice given to us. According to Morita,

“These [statements] are all intended to motivate the achievement of certain purposes and results. What is meant by these sayings is that it would be desirable to attain such mental states. If, however, no effective methods and conditions are developed to help a person accomplish such states, then s/he will only become tired of futile attempts encouraged by these sayings; in essence, s/he ends up with unnecessary fatigue and opposite results. Responding to such encouragement is like riding a horse against a wall while hurrying in vain to a destination…

Paradoxically, attempts to induce a brave feeling create more timidity, and attempts to become unconcerned about death make people even more governed by their fear of death” (Morita, 1928, p. 14).

In other words, YES, it would be really really great if we all did everything we knew we SHOULD. It would be ideal if we all loved our neighbors, served each other, forgave, etc. However, we don't know HOW to do all that yet. Few people know HOW to love someone they hate. Few people know HOW to let go of the past.

What Morita is saying - and I think he is right on - is that if we don't know HOW to move to that state of being (or doing) we get burned out, frustrated, and it really backfires. That's what's going on for those people who complain that they 'just can't be perfect' or live up to all the 'expectations' made of them.

And that doesn't mean don't try and do your best, etc. Just question your stressful thoughts about it. Life is about training and development. This is Earth School. So you have to be practicing something to find out what is missing and what would make you more effective.

I did on the work once on "I should be happier". In a nutshell, I realized that this belief actually moves me away from happiness because when I am not happy and I believe this thought, I judge myself, compare myself, feel broken, etc. I lose sight of all happiness I have when I believe that thought. Without the thought I am free to be happy or not, but free - and much more likely to be happy, because there is nothing to fight against, no guilt, etc.

So for me, this is where The Work comes in. It IS the HOW. When you really question your thoughts, it moves you to a different state. You come to see what is real and what is not. You are kinder and gentler to yourself and then to others. You are actually able to let go of the past. It is one way to access a change of heart and a change of mind!

The Terror of Anticipation

2008-09-03T09:36:00.002-06:00

Can we talk about Brigham Young ? No, not for religious purposes or even college football… but for the opportunity of sharing something that will give you access to freedom! In this quote I found this week, Brigham, who lived in the 19^th century, was speaking about a time when a judge stood up in a Mormon meeting and publicly insulted and threatened the group. Of this incident, he says (and I’ve added my own emphasis here):

“…there were men and women in the congregation who suffered more in the anticipation of what might be the result of it in future, than the generality this people have suffered in being actually mobbed.”

Do you ever do that? Do you ever imagine some terrible thing happening to you or those you love: bankruptcy, illness, divorce, misunderstandings, loss, loneliness, failure, or hardship? That’s what we’re talking about here. Find your own example of this.

He continues:

“…They could see, in imagination, all hell let loose upon us, themselves strung up, their ears cut off, their bowels torn out, and this whole people cut to pieces…”

Now look and see if you don’t do the same thing. Look at what images come to mind when you think about this thing you fear. Notice all the pictures that come to mind. What terrible places does your imagination take you? Living in a homeless shelter, being embarrassed, having to ask for help, being alone forever, never making ‘the cut’ and so on? Going on:

“After they had time to think, they found themselves still alive and unhurt, to their great astonishment. They suffered as much as though they had been sent to the bottom of the bottomless pit…I know this people have suffered more by the contemplation of trouble, than they have when actually passing through it…as they have magnified future trouble almost infinitely beyond its real dimensions…”

Isn’t that so true for all of us? See if you can locate a time in the past when you anticipated something unfavorable happening. Which was actually worse – anticipating it, or going through it? Maybe you thought “I could not handle it if…”; now notice that you did handle it – because here you are. Still alive.

And finally:

“…That mankind makes mistakes in these ways must be apparent to those who have felt the workings of hope and fear in their nature. People suffer more in the anticipation of death, than in death itself. There is more suffering in what I call borrowed trouble, than in trouble itself” (from Journal of Discourses, Vol 1, pages 313-315).

Amen, brother Brigham.

I need to have this baby today

2008-09-03T09:00:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, I am currently 9 months pregnant. I had a little false alarm on Labor Day (last Monday) - a bout of intense contractions 5 minutes apart. I went to bed that night, CERTAIN that I'd have this baby in my arms on Tuesday. It's now Thursday... no baby yet. Every day started to feel like a disappointment! So I did The Work on this thought:

I need to have this baby today

...and here's how it went.

I need to have this baby today - is that true?

Well, no. I don't need to. I just kind of want to. Or at least that's what I keep thinking, anyway.

I need to have this baby today - how do you react when you think that thought (and you are apparently NOT having the baby today)?

I get disappointed, frustrated, bored, discouraged, think that the future will be better than right now (ha! ask me that when I've had no sleep for 6 weeks!), see pregnancy as a burden, feel like I have to 'do something' to intervene, feel pressure to 'make it happen' somehow, get impatient...

Who would you be without the thought I need to have this baby today?

Peaceful, open, trusting, allowing, relaxed...like I was before. I would allow things to be as they are and I would get on with my life instead of putting it on hold. I would enjoy what is going on right now and savor these last moments before a big change comes!

Turn it around: I need to have this baby today=

I don't need to have this baby today. That is true. I mean, reality tells me that apparently I'm NOT having this baby today, so either I know more than God, or things are going exactly as they ought to.

It's also true because I haven't had the baby yet, and I'm still alive. I'm doing just fine. I'm doing really well, actually! I am healthy, and the baby is healthy; there is no ACTUAL need (as in medical emergency) to get this baby out. Thank heaven.

Another turnaround: This baby needs to have me today. Way truer. I've got plenty to do, but baby apparently needs to still have my body to roost in for awhile. Apparently it still needs to be inside, because it is. I trust babies. I trust my body. This is much better - I'd really rather just wait until the baby chooses to come.

Yet another turnaround: I want to have this baby today. Yes, a want is very different than a need. And at this point I can't even say that's true for me that I WANT to have the baby today. What's truer is I want the baby to come when it's ready.

Whose Business Am I In?

2008-08-06T17:47:00.000-06:00

I gave the following exercise in a recent e-zine I sent out to my subscribers and clients about the Three Kinds of Business as taught by Byron Katie. Here are my thoughts on each. (And if you want to subscribe yourself, go to www.rebeccaoverson.com and put your email address in the box provided at the bottom of the page!)

For those who missed the e-zine - the gist is this: There are only three kinds of business in the world: mine, others', and God's. When you are minding someone else's business, you suffer. Period.

Exercise 1
See if you can bring yourself some clarity by determining whose business is whose in each of these examples:

Someone doesn't understand you
Your feelings are hurt
Others don't see things your way
You don't have enough money
You feel misunderstood by someone
A driver on the road rear-ended your car
Someone you love passed away
A friend doesn't call you back
An earthquake caused great damage to your home
A prospect does business with your competitor instead
Your lover left you for someone else
You fear someone else will feel hurt or let down by your actions
You are annoyed by someone
You don't like a present you received

(For a more in-depth look at each situation read my answers below. But try it yourself FIRST!)

Exercise 2
I invite you to find at least one relationship problem in your life right now.
Ask yourself, "Whose business am I in?"

What do you see? Can you expand your awareness of the situation when you look from this angle?

When you are in someone else's business, is it peaceful or stressful?

What is your business in this situation?

OK, now here are my thoughts on Exercise 1.

* Someone doesn't understand you
What another person understands (or doesn't understand) is their business.

* Your feelings are hurt
Your feelings would be your business. Nobody made you feel anything. You did that by believing what you think without questioning it.

* Others don't see things your way
What other people see is their business. You say what you say, or you do what you do, and they either see things your way or not. "You need them to see things your way" - is that true?

* You don't have enough money
How I make, save, or spend money is my business.

* You feel misunderstood by someone
How you feel is your business. Whether or not they understand you is their business. Do you even understand you? Do you understand them? That's your work, your business.

And question the thought "I need them to understand me."

* A driver on the road rear-ended your car
The moment you entertain thoughts about whether it should or shouldn't have happened, you are in God's business. The reality is that it DID happen. Nothing can change that.
How other people drive is their business.
How you drive is your business.
The ultimate safety and well being of any human being who is doing all they know to do in order to play it safe and smart... is God's business if you ask me! There is an inherent risk of driving that everyone accepts, whether you do that consciously or not.

* Someone you love passed away
Whether I live or die is God's business - Unless I take my own life, and I don't plan on doing that any time soon.
So if you are suffering about someone's death, and you're having thoughts like "This shouldn't have happened" "They died too soon" - you are in God's business. "Death always comes right on time"... like everything else in the world, according to Byron Katie! To presume you know more than God about when people should or shouldn't die definitely puts you in God's business.

And as always, you can question painful thoughts (via The Work) like "This is terrible" "I'll never be the same without them" and so forth.

* A friend doesn't call you back
Who people call or don't call is their business. What are you making it mean that they didn't call you? Can you really know that's true?

* An earthquake caused great damage to your home
Earthquake: God's business.
Whether or not I have earthquake insurance: my business.

* A prospect does business with your competitor instead
Who they work with is their business.
And question any story you have about what you think you did to lose that deal. "If I'd been more flexible, they would have signed with me..." Can you absolutely know that???

* Your lover left you for someone else
Who your lover wants to be with is their business. This one is a tough pill to swallow because we think we can make people love us and we often become who we think they want us to be instead of being who we really are. The reality is, people love whom they love and there is nothing you can do about it. Oh my, there are a zillion painful concepts to be investigated in relationships! For a good read on this subject, buy "I need your love - is that true?" by Byron Katie.

DEFINITELY question any painful conclusions you are drawing about it like "nobody wants me" "There is something wrong with me" "If I'd done x they would have stayed" "I need them in my life" and so on.

* You fear someone else will feel hurt or let down by your actions
Your actions are your business. How others feel is their business.

* You are annoyed by someone
How you feel is your business. If you think you are annoyed by someone, fill out a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet on them and do The Work! You might find the person that annoys you most is YOU. :D

* You don't like a present you received
What you like is your business.
What someone chose to give you is their business.
How you deal with it is your business. Do you feel guilty for not liking it? Do you lie and pretend you do and go out of your way to make sure they know it?
The gift is in the giving, not the object itself. All the meaning you add to an object is your business. Does it bring you stress, or peace? If it's stressful, put your thoughts on paper and question them!

I welcome any questions, insights, or feedback!

When You Argue With Reality, You LOSE... but only 100% of the time, part 2

2008-05-06T10:00:00.003-06:00

(This entry is copied from my Radio Show blog at www.rcrn.info, from the March 12, 2008 "Got Clarity?" Show. For more info please visit my website, www.rebeccaoverson.com)

Tonight on the "Got Clarity?" Show, Kristin took a look at the frustrating thought "I need to be happier." This is a big one, for all of us... we think we need to be happier, prettier, more successful, more joyful... we think we need more romance, more attention, more love, more money... Kristin demonstrated beautifully what happens when we start seeking something - we drive it away.

"I need to be happier"

1. Is that true?

I think so.

2. Can you really know it's true? In other words, can you really know that being happier right now is what would fulfill you? (and I'm not saying it's NOT true... just look - can you really know that?)

No, I can't really know that.

3. How do you react when you think "I need to be happier"?

I get frustrated. Jealous of others. Feel shortchanged. Try really hard to change things in my life. I get full of angst. I treat others like it's their job to make me happy - and they are failing miserably! I am not fun to be around!
(It was at this point that Kristin realized that this thought did not move her in the direction she wanted to go! Nice insight!)

4. Who would you be without the thought "I need to be happier"?

Just more peaceful, and....hm... happier. Wow.

"I need to be happier" - Turn it around:

I don't need to be happier.
It's true in the sense that there are many things in my life right now that I am actually happy about
It's true in the sense that sometimes I am not happy and I'm still here - it doesn't kill me. I don't need it like I need to breathe in order to survive.

Nice work, Kristin. Thanks for your participation.

Please join us Wednesdays at 7pm MST/ 6pm Pacific/ 9pm Eastern for another edition of the "Got Clarity?" Show on the Real Coaching Radio Network. Tune in at www.rebeccaoverson.com or www.rcrn.info. Bring your stressful thoughts with you and see how easy freedom can be!

When You Argue With Reality, You LOSE... but only 100% of the time, part 1

2008-05-06T09:52:00.002-06:00

(This post is copied from my blog on RCRN.info, in reference to the launch of my radio show. Dated March 12, 2008)

I just have to say that the "Got Clarity?" Show made a great debut tonight, and not just in my opinion. In the words of those who listened and participated in the chat and on the phones:

"GREAT Show!"
"Very enlightening..."
"I'm on cloud nine"
"I'll be here next week!"
"This ROCKS!"

Thank you SO much for all who participated and tuned in.

For those who were unable to join us, you can replay the podcast in the Real Coaching Radio Widget or later broadcasts in the music player at www.rebeccaoverson.com under the RADIO SHOW tab.

During tonight's show, we got a taste of the brutal truth: When you argue with reality, you lose. But only 100% of the time.

Caller and Chatter "MtnManJim" looked at the idea that "People shouldn't take advantage of me." It went something like this:

"People shouldn't take advantage of me".

1. Is that true?
YES!! I hate it when they do.

2. Can you really know it's true? What's the reality of it?

They do. People do take advantage of me, sometimes.
(We made the point here that indeed, we would all agree that the world would be a better place if people did not take advantage of others... that's just not the way things are on this planet... not yet.) Which leads us to question number three:

3. How do you react when you think "People shouldn't take advantage of you" and they DO?

I get ANGRY. My stomach tenses up. I get suspicious of people. I don't trust them. I try to bring in other people that I do trust to back me up. It's very stressful.

4. Who would you be without the thought "People shouldn't take advantage of me"?

I would see what is happening with more clarity, trust, and peace. I would probably be more honest about when I feel like something is off - I would be responsible for my choices in the interaction.

"People shouldn't take advantage of me" - Turn it around:

a. People should take advantage of me.
I can see that this statement is true in the sense that they DO take advantage of me.
I can also see that sometimes as a realtor, I will be very generous in what I am offering and give people incredible deals, and I WANT them to take advantage of me, in that sense! I want them to accept this incredible deal that I am offering because it serves my purposes. So in that sense, being taken advantage of ain't such a bad thing...

b. I shouldn't take advantage of people.
(Jim had a hard time at first finding how he takes advantage of others. I pointed out that he was chatting in the chat room while 'pretending' to be doing The Work with me. ie. maybe taking a little advantage of something there...?)
Jim saw that he takes advantage of people at times. He's doing his best - he doesn't know how to completely stop doing that yet. Maybe others trying just as hard. Hm. It's great advice... can YOU follow it?

So, when I asked Jim at the end of this piece if it was still true for him that "People shouldn't take advantage of me" he said No, which is different than his original answer (see question #1 above). The insights he gave himself during the process opened his eyes to see what he hadn't seen before - that in reality, the only thing that happens is that someone offers him something and he takes it, or not. "Taking Advantage of..." is a story... an interpretation about a transaction that leaves you not being responsible for checking it out, following your gut, doing your due dilligence.

That's a great example of how investigating your thoughts with The Work of Byron Katie allows the thoughts to let go of YOU.

Nice work, Jim!

NEW - Internet Radio Show - "Got Clarity?" with Rebecca Overson

2008-03-09T22:04:00.001-06:00

I'm thrilled to announce my new show on Real Coaching Radio Network: "Got Clarity?", making its debut Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at 7pm MST/6pm Pacific/9pm Eastern.

As a Clarity Coach, my work focuses primarily around a profound process of self-inquiry called The Work of Byron Katie. This allows you to transform any personal roadblock into a gift, any struggle into freedom, and any area of confusion into clarity by simply asking four questions.

The format of the "Got Clarity?" Show is totally participatory - I will be guiding callers through this process and helping you gain mastery of this totally remarkable tool. I am thrilled to be able to bring The Work to the world in this format! To tune in, visit Real Coaching Radio Network: www.rcrn.info.

"Being sick ruins everything"

2008-02-28T15:17:00.002-07:00

I spent the better part of January 2008 with a terrible flu, cold, and respiratory infection... all while my husband was in Africa for two weeks. My son was sick too, and I have never had to care for myself and a sick baby without hubby's help. It was HORRIBLE. I love that I got to see that I can't choose a different physical experience than the one I am having (I can't wish myself all better) but I CAN work with the mind.

Being sick ruins everything.

Is it true?

No. it does not ruin everything.

How do I react when I think “being sick ruins everything”?

I hate how I feel. I hate being sick. I get resentful. I feel small and powerless. I feel zero motivation. I worry about having to cancel my speaking engagement Tuesday night. I worry about getting things done. I get upset with my son. I sit around and do nothing. I see sickness as an obstacle to everything. I feel frustrated. I feel like I need help and it’s not coming, and that makes me angry. I want homemade chicken soup and I don’t have any. I get angry. I feel like a little girl who can’t take care of herself. I try to sleep and I can’t. I feel like I am wasting my time sitting around all day. I wait all day for the day to be over. Or I wait all day for Baby to take a nap so I can be free of him. I see him as an obstacle. I feel stuck in the house. I just feel stuck. I think about all the awful things that are going to happen this week because I am sick. I see myself still sick by Friday and hating that. I see myself canceling all my appointments and just lying around like an idiot. I feel powerless.

I see my body as weak, broken, inept, incapable, and that makes me angry. My feelings rule the day. I also see myself having to take antibiotics or something because I am so sick, and that's not what I want to do. I see myself getting worse and not better.

Feel sad, angry, upset, thwarted.

Without the thought “being sick ruins everything”:

I would let my symptoms be what they are – symptoms – I would take really good care of myself – I would do whatever it takes to feel good i.e. drink a lot (of water!!), take vit C, suck on lozenges, stay warm, turn up the heat, crank up the humidifier, dress warm, drink lots of water, sit and meditate, do The Work, paint, do something crafty, keep the house clean, ask people to help me. I would clean out the fridge of all the crappy stuff in there that I am not going to eat and that makes me sick to just look at it.

I would eat warm, yummy, comforting food. Drink lots of tea. Deal with it. Be responsible for my well-being. Carry around a pack of Kleenex. Use a neti pot for my nose daily. Gargle daily. Sleep as much as I can. Ask for help with Baby.

Turn it around:

Being sick does not ruin everything.

It does not ruin how good my hair looks. LOL

It does not ruin my ability to be creative.

It does not ruin my ability to keep the house up.

I may still be able to speak by Tuesday night, even if I am sick. Who knows?

Being sick blesses everything.

Makes me take care of my body.

Being sick makes me let others help me. What a blessing.

I get to be on vacation from everything else, if I want. Hmmm… maybe I could go on vacation … somewhere warm for even just a day…

Being healthy ruins everything… ??

hmm. OK, I can see that when I am healthy it ruins my amazing opportunity to sleep all day! ;)

(Can't find any other examples here but feel free to help me out!)

oh and of course: My THINKING ruins everything.

yes. Only always. My thinking "I should feel better" (when I don't) creates a lot of stress.

My thinking makes matters worse. I put so much mental pressure on myself about what I think I 'have' to do - and when I am physically unable to do it, that way of thinking ruins the peace available in that moment.

"I need to be different than I am right now" (as if I have a choice...)

2008-02-28T15:11:00.003-07:00

This one came up one morning that I was having a TERRIBLE time emotionally, and a client was on their way to do The Work. In my previous life as a massage therapist, I was always taught that you have to "leave your 'stuff' at the door" before a session, and I was such a wreck this particular morning - as it turns out, the thought "I need to be in a better 'space' to facilitate" was only making matters worse.

"I have to be in a better 'space' to facilitate (my clients) this morning."

Is it true?

No.

How do you react when you think that thought?

Doubtful, nervous, suppressed, focused on self, feel like I am hiding something, harsh on myself, see them as needing something from me and I have to give it, feel inauthentic.

Feel like I have to have it all together.

Feel like a hypocrite, pretending I have answers or really anything to offer.

Feel pressure to perform.

See the session as a potential waste of time.

Feel like I have to lie.

(Sounds fun, huh??)

Who would you be without the thought?

‘this is going to be interesting’

open to spirit

humble

don’t-know mind

grateful

curious

open to love, open to receiving vs. focused on giving

kind and gentle to myself.

Turn it around:

I don’t have to be in a better space to facilitate this morning. True.

Examples:

I have no choice – I am in the space I am in.

Being in this space has me do the work and I am more relaxed and open.

Who is the teacher anyway? ;)

"I don't have enough time."

2008-02-28T15:01:00.004-07:00

This is an old one from December 2006 (I had just given birth to my son three months prior). Amazing how there are no new stressful thoughts, huh?!

I also realize, looking back at this, how I have entirely dropped the idea that I even "HAVE TO" do everything. I simply don't get overwhelmed like this anymore by a mountain of tasks that I think MUST be done right now!

Belief: I can’t do everything I have to do because I don’t have enough time.

1. Is it true?

I suppose I could do everything somehow.

I suppose it could be done in the time I have, or even less.

No it is not true.

Possible follow-ups:

ÿ What is the reality of it? Did it happen?

It hasn’t even happened yet! But I am sure collecting a lot of evidence for it.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Only if I wait and do nothing, then I could say it was true.

But if that happened I would only know that it WAS true, and the jury would still be out on the future.

(Can I know more than God/reality?)

Nope. I suppose it is entirely possible for me to get everything done and manage all that there is to manage.

3. How do you react when you think that thought?

I get pissy. I cry. I resist. I kick and scream. I feel in a stupor. I get distracted. I make things extremely hard on myself and on others around me.

I feel tension in my head. In my stomach. In my eyes. My eyes burn, my head gets foggy, my spine gets slouchy and tired, my stomach gets hollow. It feels completely draining and deadening. I feel like I am stuck in concrete up to my neck. I have a headache and my jaw gets tense.

I don’t let Hubby support me, and then he feels powerless. I invalidate other people. I make them work really hard to get me sorted out.

I give myself no room and no space to screw up. I am incredibly hard on myself. In fact, I am impossible on myself. I get really negative. I resist doing anything and then I regret that I didn’t take actions. I am a drama queen, I get cranky, and I really limit myself.

I go down a deep dark tunnel. I lash out at everyone. I start unraveling the whole structure of my life. “I can’t do any of this” “I sold out” “this is all wrong” “this isn’t it” “I’ll never do anything right” “I can’t have what I want” “this sucks” “I don’t want any of this” “I don’t trust myself” “I am not in control of my life”

>Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)

Yes. I wouldn’t have all that crap up there.

4. Who would you be without the thought?

Peaceful, present, powerful. A celebration. Magical. Miraculous. I would be someone who amazes myself and others. I would be relieved. I would be energized, alive, vital, creative, and productive.

I would probably get stuff done and have more fun doing it. I would hold myself to a higher level of integrity. I would manage all there is to manage with a lot more power. I would give myself free time. I would take care of and nurture myself and be ruthlessly true to myself. I would probably trust God more and live by the Spirit more.

I would probably be easier on others and I would certainly be more cooperative – part of the team. I wouldn’t worry so much about getting things “right”.

Turn the thought around.

I can do everything I have to do and I have enough time

I can do everything I have to do and I don’t have enough time – YES – I can still do it – time has nothing to do with it.

I am able to do it all – yes. I am actually physically able to do just about anything I want to do.

In my thinking, I can’t do everything I have to do – YES, that is most certainly true .

I have enough time – true, I can see that I waste a lot of time thinking I don’t have enough time because I resist everything.

It is possible to do everything I have to do and do it in time – yes, I can see that could be truer.

"I need financial security" and other scary thoughts about money

2007-12-02T22:24:00.000-07:00

from June 2007 - a long one but a GOOD one! We get so crazy about money. The Work helps make you sane about money. Check it out:

I need financial security.

Is it true?

Yes. I can’t feel safe unless I have a lot of money.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No – the reality is that I have never had financial security. What does that even mean? I have done just fine without lots and lots of money. And when I have had lots and lots of money, I didn’t take care of it very well. I don’t have financial security now; apparently I must not truly, truly need it. I also notice that I do have financial security in ways I never noticed before. I don’t worry about paying my bills etc.

How do I react when I believe the thought “I need financial security”, and I don’t have it?

Panic. Terror. Upset. Frustration. Feel totally like a failure. Feel limited, trapped, feel like I am going to die, embarrassed, helpless, totally and completely powerless. I feel like an idiot. I feel regretful; totally regretful. I feel stupid. I regret how I have spent it. I fill myself with what ifs and if only this or that had happened. I see money as the source of my security. I feel weak and small. Helpless. I see myself as totally inept.

The images that come to mind: me as an old woman, alone, have nothing, pushing a shopping cart, deep worry lines on my face, wearing rags, probably insane and mumbling to myself. My children have abandoned me because I am so stupid. Walking around downtown, begging for money, and people pitying me or judging me.

Money is the center point of my existence. Money is more important than freedom, ultimately. Money rules the day. I want more of it. I spend the money I do have. I don’t appreciate it. I treat it carelessly and then regret it. Everything, ultimately boils down to a financial decision. I feel limited by money when I don’t have it; I feel excited and powerful when I do have it. When I don’t have it, and I believe I need it, I get angry at hubby for not making more. I blame him. I get fearful. I get stressed. I bark at him for not paying the bills. I fear creditors calling. I fear a bad credit score. I see opportunities closing down all around me because of that. I see him as irresponsible. I see him as inept. I get angry. It ruins my day. I am embarrassed and apologetic. I feel totally powerless. I feel this tantrum, this rage well up inside me. I imagine having to ask for help and I hate that. I anticipate judgment and criticism from others. I re-live my sisters and my mom telling me that I need to quit trying to make it as a massage therapist and just get a ‘real job’. I feel frustrated. I feel like I can’t ever have what I want. I feel like I have to sell out. I feel like a failure. I feel like whatever I do is not good enough. I feel stupid. I can’t focus, I can’t be present. I get desperate. I am really hard on myself. “You should know better. You are so irresponsible. What is wrong with you? You are so out of control”. I feel out of control. I feel like money is really mysterious and I’ll never have it. I see money as power. I think others will respect me if I have it. I see it as adding credibility. Without it, I see myself not being able to do what I want to do. In essence, I see a future of guilt, misery, embarrassment, regret, powerlessness, and failure.

Who would you be without the thought “I need financial security”?

Well, I have to go to the space of my worst nightmare coming true… losing everything. And then look from there at who I would be without the thought.

So… my worst nightmare: I can see my credit report, and it’s trashed… I can see not being able to pay my bills, my bills being late, losing my phone service, losing my utilities, losing my house, not having money to buy the things I need… I can go to the place of “I don’t have any money to pay my rent”…and without the thought “I need financial security” I would be open to the experience of it. No resistance. Total surrender to the what-isness of it all. I can see that I would move, I would shift from what I am used to having, I would totally have the support of my family, my friends, my church, or the government. I can really see that I will never go without – I will never starve, my children won’t starve. The worst that could happen is that I would be employed at the church thrift store or managing a crew at a fast food place. I can see that in doing that I’m OK. I’m really, really, OK. I am patient. I can see rebuilding things with time but surrendering to that which I cannot change in the meantime. I can see it as an interesting life adventure, a tangent that my life is going on and that I am totally capable of recovering. I can see all the love and support of friends that I have, like my dear friend Shawn Connell, remembering times that he said he totally believes in me and sees me as one of the most capable people on earth.

I can see myself losing my ‘stellar’ reputation…and feeling relieved that I don’t have other people to worry about now. I can worry about /focus on myself for once. I am free.

I can do all kinds of things. I actually feel relieved without the thought. I feel peaceful, I feel powerful to create what is next. I can actually see my creativity emerging, welling up inside me. This is all part of my story… how will it all turn out? Isn’t this interesting.

I can see that I would survive.

I will be totally taken care of and supported by those around me. And if not, I will die a very peaceful, poor lady. That’s my worst nightmare! LOL

Right now, who I would be without the thought…

I would relish the money as it comes in. I would be more responsible for how it goes out. I would see what a true blessing it all is – the currency of it, what it feels like to have it. I would take it more seriously in some ways but less seriously in other ways. I would see that it is all a game and it can be fun to make but my life doesn’t depend on it.

I wouldn’t see me as powerless without it. I would see the absence of it as a space to create.

Would I be regretful? I don’t think so, ultimately. I could just relax about money and let it relax about me. I would be more resourceful and creative. I would be more playful about creating it, utilizing its energy, harnessing its power. I like this.

Money wouldn’t be tied into my image, or anyone else’s for that matter. I would see how much meaning we put on money and I could just laugh as I observe that. I can be totally peaceful in the midst of it. (I am relaxed so deeply right now as I write this.)

Turn it around:

I don’t need financial security.

It’s true.

~ I don’t have it. I have never needed it. What is it anyway?

~ I have everything I need already. I have clothes, I have 2 houses, I have food in the fridge. I have everything I need. I have EVERYTHING I need! (wow, how would it be to just trust that…)

I would be completely, totally, one hundred percent peaceful. I would be the most creative person on earth. I would be a space for miracles to show up – dancing with the unknown - what a blessed life!

~ I see that I already have what I would call financial security. Silly me.

I need security (that doesn’t come from money)

This is truer. What comes to mind is spiritual security. I need INNER security. Money comes and goes, and I am always here. I need inner reliance to get me through, not money to get me through.

This recent “Note from the Universe” comes to mind:

Fear always goes away once two things are realized: First, you're a spiritual being. Second, nothing can ever be lost or taken from a spiritual being that cannot be recreated. Not pride, not money, not love.

Phew!

The Universe

So it’s not even possible for me to be financially UN-secure! I can always create it. I can’t really lose that which is truly mine. Besides, whether or not I have an abundance of money is God’s business.

I need my thinking to be secure. True. I need my thinking to take me to true places, places of peace, rather than scaring myself.

I see that I can never be financially insecure! Oh my. Evidence:

I have never gone without money.

In fact, I have evidence that I am a powerful manifestor.

-I got a job within 2 days of moving to Virginia in 2000
-I had an admin job making $13 an hour in 2000 – (not bad for today, and not bad for SEVEN years ago!
-I got a huge raise and a promotion in a job after only a few months
- I recently got an offer to work part time for a full time salary
-My husband wants me to work for his business
-JT said if she ever needed a CEO she would hire me
- in 2002, when I moved back to Utah from Virginia, my friends Andrew and Bill opened a whole branch/office just for me in Utah – and they had to close it after I left because nobody could keep it afloat after me
-I managed to make enough money while self-employed to owe the IRS $2000 in 1999 when I was just 21 years old! ($2K was a LOT of money to me)
-I have money in the bank right now.
-I own two homes.
-I own a truck and a car.
-I own great furniture.
-I own two dogs and a horse.

I see that the higher truth is that I can’t keep money away from me! Apparently, people seem to want to give me money all the time and really value what I provide. I love that.

I want financial security.

That is truer – I want to be smart with my money and have great cash-generating assets. That makes me feel like I am in a process of education – I get to control or play with it and watch it grow. Amazing. I am amazingly responsible, capable when it comes to making money. I could learn to manage it a little bit better, and I could be excited about that. I AM excited about that. It’s a game!

One thing Katie talks about in "I Need Your Love - Is That True?" is Un-Scaring yourself. In other words, you look at what the WORST thing is you imagine could happen, and you find three genuine ways that you could actually survive it.

So here I go, UN-SCARING MYSELF ABOUT MONEY:

"If I lost everything I have, I couldn’t go on."

"If I was 65 years old and couldn’t retire, that would be the worst thing."

"If I worked my whole life and had nothing to show for it, my life would be a waste, and THAT would be the worst thing."

If I lost everything I have, I could go on. How?

- I would be supported by the Church or by my family.

- I could be open to being moved by the Spirit.

- I could travel the country by hitchhiking and couch surfing.

- I could apply for some kind of grant and start a new business.

If I was 65 years old and couldn’t retire, that wouldn’t be the worst thing. How?

- Wherever I was working, I could be a wise old woman who helps others.

- I could always go back to massage therapy and work at a resort somewhere

- I would have spent so much time doing other things – I could really do what I loved because I would know what that is… maybe.

If I worked my whole life and had ‘nothing’ to show for it, my life would not be a waste. How?

- I would know that I kept myself going for as long as I did. Isn’t that wonderful?

- I have had great experiences with making and losing money

- I am really good at spending it. I never went without. I was generous with my money and didn’t fear holding on to it. I spent it all on other people.

I can mess everything up

2007-12-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

“I mess everything up”- is that true?
Sometimes Katie asks for your evidence.

When have I messed everything up? (this is my evidence - truly)

- hmmmm...only just about every guy I have ever dated had some elements that prove I messed everything up.

- by looking stupid in front of that boy I liked when I was 11 years old

- my first marriage and divorce (1998)

- by trying to be self employed at age 19 when I knew nothing about business

- when I broke up with (that poor fellow) right before he left on his church mission

- by turning in my friends for doing drugs and them hating me (8th grade)

- by making boys more important than my best friend (10th grade)

- by not being old enough, mature enough physically, not being able to drive (10th grade)

- by making major decisions too quickly

- by wanting to be Melissa’s locker partner instead of Katie’s (8th grade)

- by showing my boyfriend too much of my emotions over my parent's divorce and him feeling overwhelmed (12th grade)

- by being too messed up over my parent’s divorce (12th grade)

- by letting (that one girl) tag along with my friends (19 yrs old)

- by being too loud and annoying for people (11th grade)

- by being too hard on my friend S. (2005)

- by dating Mr. Wrong 1999

- by not going to college right after high school

- by going in to debt trying to make money with MLMs (1995)

- by not knowing how to do business right at age 19 -not knowing I needed to withhold for taxes and owing the IRS a lot of money

- by getting into debt for no good reason (early 20's)

- by being impulsive about buying a brand new'97 jeep wrangler that I ended up having to sell a year later because the payments were too high (1996)

- by taking jobs I didn't want, out of desperation

- by compromising my standards to try to please people

- by trying to coach people who weren't asking to be coached

- by shoving the good things I love down people’s throats because I think they need it

- by telling my husband how I felt about him way too soon when we were dating (nearly scared the poor guy off) (2002)

- by doing what other people wanted me to do instead of following my heart

- by doing things out of fear and not trusting myself

- by not showing up for work that one day, failing to work out the miscommunication with my boss, and getting fired (1995)

- by criticizing my husband

- by lashing out without thinking

- by having had my priorities in life screwed up at times

- by going on an all raw food diet and thinking it would be healthy for me

- by buying my Honda on a whim (2004)

- by telling my best friend that she was fat (5th grade)

- by being responsible for a mistake that caused a product recall right before Christmas (2004)

- by telling everyone “I’m totally going to marry him” about a dozen different guys (crying wolf)

- by saying mean things to my mom

SEE ALL THE EVIDENCE I HAVE???? So....

I can mess things up.

Is it true?

Yes!!!

Can you really know it’s true?

Hm.

I can’t know how things are really ‘supposed’ to go apart from how I 'think' they should go. So no. I can't know what is messed up and what is not, ultimately.

How do you react when you think that thought, "I can mess everything up"?

I feel sick. Like a complete moron, idiot, regretful, just sick. I feel like I have done something that can never be undone. I hurt people. I see myself as someone who hurts people. I see them as angry and hurt and confused. I feel stupid for saying anything. I regret what I did. I work hard to try to make it right. I am always seeking their forgiveness and approval. I apologize profusely, or I blow it off. Sometimes I see them as stupid, like, why do they care so much? They should just get over it. I work hard to fix things. I see them as totally hating me, broken hearted, damaged beyond repair and I did that to them.

I blame myself – it’s all my fault, I ruined everything, I am an idiot, I beat myself up, I feel terribly guilty and totally responsible for their choices and mine, and I feel responsible for the outcome of their lives for the rest of my life/and theirs. I look out for them all the time. I hope they are doing OK in life because if they are not, I know it was my fault. I have to work really hard to look good. I have to beg sometimes. I am uncertain of the forgiveness that they do grant. I worry. I am preoccupied with thoughts about them sometimes and wonder where they are… etc.

I see myself as a dangerous person, because I am someone who hurts people.

I see God as out of the picture – he wasn’t there because I moved away. I am left alone, that was a mistake, I really screwed up and really have to work hard to make it right. Apparently I have more power to do harm than God has to do good. God was not in control in that moment. I am a bad, bad girl. I am hurtful and mean, stupid, careless, manipulative, probably schizophrenic, or have some kind of bipolar disorder, not whole, not ok.

I see my efforts on the front end as a waste. I see everything as ruined. I see that I have disappointed people and let them down.

I am in total fear of losing something very important to me.

I am not straight with people. I worry far too much about what they think about me. I see the choices I have made as bad ones, mistakes, could have been avoided, wastes of time, hurtful, bad, stupid, wrong.

I live my life trying to be perfect so I don’t mess anything up. I am critical of other people when they appear to mess up. I have a million examples of how I have messed up. Fear of losing everything, ultimately – making some mistake and losing my whole entire future from now to eternity – everything that was ‘supposed’ to be mine will be lost. That feels pretty lousy and hopeless.

I think it’s tragic when I see people doing the same things I did and I work hard to stop it.
At times I think I know what’s best for others and I dictate to them how they should and shouldn’t be and how they should live their lives – I am full of advice – I try to help them avoid pain.

Sometimes I am utterly, completely ashamed and embarrassed – I am embarrassed to simply be alive.

I fear their judgments of me. I have to know that they are OK, that they don’t hate me, that they like me. I have to look out for them forever just to be sure they don’t hate me.

I have to be very calculated about the choices I make because I am paralyzed by fear of messing things up.

I am totally driven by ‘doing the right thing’, and it’s very stressful.

This thought gives birth to other thoughts like: I messed everything up…I hurt people…I’m not OK…what is wrong with me? And then I resort to probably blaming THEM.

I get to feel like an idiot. Woo hoo!

Without the thought I can mess everything up:

I wouldn’t be afraid to make mistakes

I would be relaxed and peaceful and trust myself

I wouldn’t see that list as a list of times I have messed up… how would I see it then? Interesting experiences… could they even be perfect? Could they be part of ‘the plan’? What if things happened exactly as they were supposed to? (That’s steep but I am looking…)

I wouldn’t blame myself for my marriage ending. I, in all those above experiences, might start to see how I was carried through it all, doing the best I could…

Could it be true that I didn’t mess up anyone’s life? Could it be true that I did not hurt anyone?

I would have no regrets

I might start to see perfection/blessings in it all

I might not be embarrassed by my choices

I might actually be proud of my experiences and who I’ve become out of them

I would be compassionate with myself and others – understanding and less critical

I would open to the perfection of it all.

I wouldn’t resist messing things up

I could be playful with my foibles

I wouldn’t have to work so hard to prove that I am perfect

I could own my mistakes, misjudgments, misgivings.

I would be more relaxed.

I wouldn’t worry so much about what others thought of me – back in my own business instead of torturing myself to death

I wouldn’t be afraid to try new things

I could walk by grace and by the spirit

I could trust the perfection of all things

I could fully accept responsibility for my choices.

I am deeply, deeply sorry for the impact of my choices – but not hiding behind the guilt and the blame.

I can mess everything up - Turn it Around:

I can’t mess everything up. (or - I didn’t mess everything up.)

I can’t ultimately know how things were supposed to go.

I can’t ultimately know what another’s path is.

I can’t know that it ultimately was not the best thing to happen to them or to me.

More genuine examples…?Anyone?

I fixed everything up

Oh my, this feels way truer. I can go in to each of those examples and demonstrate how I did everything I knew to do to make things right, in each one of those circumstances.

"I want dinner from Cafe Rio."

2007-08-06T16:42:00.001-06:00

A fun one from Aug. 6, 2007. It goes goes to show how the work can bring clarity to things that seem silly and trivial... Turns out there are more to my wants than I think!

Belief: I want dinner from Café Rio. Is it true?

YES!

Can I absolutely know it’s true that I want dinner from Café Rio?

No – it might be something else I want that seems to look like dinner from Café Rio but I can’t really know that dinner from Café Rio is what I really want.

How do I react when I believe the thought?

I feel guilty for spending more money on dining out. I worry. I have to justify it. Nothing here in my fridge looks good. I feel guilty for having spent $175 at the grocery store yesterday only to go out and spend more money and not use what I just bought.

Who would I be without the thought?

Cheerfully looking through my cupboards and fridge, preparing something wonderful to eat. Satisfied and peaceful.

Turn it around: I don’t want dinner from Café Rio.

This could be as true – I really just want dinner. It doesn’t have to be from Café Rio.

I want dinner from me.

This feels truer – I want me to feed myself and be resourceful with what I have.

I think I’ll go make dinner.

Dogs should not shed or bark and should come when called!

2007-08-02T19:15:00.000-06:00

This is a good one. From January 31, 2007:

Belief:

Dogs shouldn’t shed all over the place, bark at the door, and should come in when called.

Dogs shouldn’t make the floor dirty and unsanitary for my infant son. I should have a place to sit on the floor without getting dog hair all over myself. I shouldn’t have to clean up after them all the time.

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?

The reality is that they do shed, bark, and ignore me sometimes.

And I do have to clean up after them all the time (if I want a clean house).

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

I can’t know that I would be happier but I sure think I would. It really looks like my life would be much easier if I didn’t have to deal with the dogs all the time. So, I don't know.

3. How do you react when you think that thought?

I get so angry and so frustrated and so tired.

I feel like a prisoner in my own house.

I HATE the dogs.

I couldn’t care less about them.

I am mean to them

I yell at them

I smack them in frustration sometimes

I worry that my angst towards them will have a negative impact on my son (being a bad example)

I get mad at them all the time

I am resentful

I hate sweeping the floor

I hate cleaning off the furniture

I hate the house I live in because it feels like there is no space for me

I don’t talk to my husband because I think my negative feelings about the dogs will hurt his feelings

I think that I want to get rid of the dogs

I keep them in the laundry room and avoid them

I see them as a nuisance and a major pain in the butt

I sometimes ignore them

I don’t feel love for them anymore

I don’t play with them

I don’t interact with them except out of anger

I get annoyed by them

I feel totally out of control and I hate myself

I hate how I feel about them! I feel like a total jerk.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)

yes.

4. Who would you be without this thought?

First and foremost I would have no negative reaction to hair, barking, or disobedience.

I wouldn’t have any problem with the floor.

I would just clean up or ask for help cleaning up.

I would probably make some kind of routine.

I would be more responsible for the fact that I do have dogs, they do shed, they are not obedient, and they bark.

Without the thought I might just accept all of that.

I would be more peaceful.

I would not get angry, yell at them, or hit them. I would understand that they do what they do until they don’t. For example:

If Daisy knew how to come when called, she would.

If I knew how to train them better, I would.

If they knew how not to bark, they would.

If they knew that they were not allowed on the couch, they wouldn’t sit on it.

I could put the dogs in ‘project mode’ and realize that I have a certain amount of time set aside and a plan in place to take care of and work with them. THEN I could decide whether or not to get rid of them. :)

I would probably give them everything I’ve got.

I would be patient and kind and loving with them. I would make designated DOG areas and make areas that they are NOT allowed in, to be kind to myself.

I would have a door installed between the kitchen and the front room to limit their access to places that I want to keep free of dog hair.

I would get Daisy to a training class. I would probably make training my dogs a priority.

Turn the thought around.

Dogs SHOULD shed all over the place, bark at the door, and NOT come in when called.

-I notice that’s the reality of it. Dogs bark and shed! They can't help it! And I haven't sufficiently trained them anyway.

Other turnarounds:

-I shouldn’t shed all over the place (I shed my clothing and dishes in piles)
-I shouldn’t bark at the dogs (for barking at the door).
-I shouldn’t call them when I know they won’t come in!
-Dogs SHOULD make the floor dirty and unsanitary for my son. (I notice they do. But I could also inquire into the big 'threat' I seem to think the floors present.)
-I shouldn’t make the floor dirty and unsanitary for my son (by not cleaning up the dog hair in an effective way). Clean floors are not the dog’s business – they are mine.
-I should make the floor clean and sanitary for my son. (True- if that is what I want. Again, it’s my business, not the dog’s.They are my floors after all) (and is that even true?)
-I shouldn’t have a place to sit on the floor without getting dog hair all over myself. (If the reality is that I don’t, then I shouldn’t. However, I would question this as well –

Is it true I don’t have a place to sit on the floor?

Can I know it would be in my best interest to have a place to sit on the floor?

(I do have a place to sit on the floor – upstairs. I just don’t use it all that often.)

Still going....

The dogs should have a place to sit on the couch without getting hair all over it.
The dogs should have a place to sit without getting hair all over the floor.
(It's their house too, apparently!)

I should have to clean up after them all the time. (I should, if what I want is a clean house. I should clean all the time because I notice I do. OK not ALL the time. I should do the work on that too… I 'have' to clean up all the time…)

"My husband and I aren't close anymore"

2007-01-21T16:17:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has known my husband and I for any length of time would state unequivocally that we have an inspiring relationship. We are true partners, totally on the same 'team', love to be together, and have awesome communication that keeps us free from excess mental/emotional garbage. I always say I married the man of my dreams; he would tell you that he never thought he could find someone like me.

H o w e v e r . . . I have found myself harboring feelings of anger and resentment towards him lately. It's been going on for a few weeks now - so long that I don't even know why I am angry - I just am angry, all the time. What's my deal? Why do I burst into tears and find myself not wanting to talk to him or be around him? Why do I feel so far away from him?

Everything seems to have changed since our son was born in September. They say it's a strain on a marriage...maybe I just have 'Postpartum Depression'.

Or not.

Here we go...

My husband and I are not close anymore.

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
Yes. At least that's how I feel.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No – I only know what I experience – I guess I can’t know it as TRUTH.

3. How do you react when you think "My husband and I aren't close anymore"?
I feel far away from him. I feel really, really sad. And empty.
I think he doesn’t love me and I get suspicious of him.
I get judgmental and critical of him.
I think that there is something wrong with our relationship and I don’t know what it is. I try to fix it anyway. That doesn't go over very well.
I am angry at him all the time.
I am always frustrated by him.
I get mad when he doesn’t want to talk. In fact, I am just mad at him all the time! For everything! I find fault in everything that he does or doesn’t do.
I get defensive, sarcastic, and rude. I take offense to most everything he says.
I don’t spend time with him. I avoid him. I don’t talk to him except about shallow things.
I don’t like him very much. I don’t like myself very much.
I get mad at myself.
I resent him.
I turn away from my husband, from God, and myself. And then I feel guilty about that.
I hate my life and I want to go back to the beginning of our marriage again.
I hate it being this way. I hate EVERYTHING.
I withhold my love from him and that hurts.
I feel alone.
I feel helpless and small.
I feel like I don’t have a partner anymore.
I don’t feel love for him.
I feel a huge loss. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I worry about what that might mean.
I feel inferior in some way and I’m not sure why.
I am very unhappy and not much fun to be around.
I put myself down in my mind.
I think I must be defective. I feel like a victim and a martyr. I feel unappreciated and unfulfilled.
I don’t talk to him; I think ‘I CAN’T talk to him’.
I feel unattractive and get very upset with myself.
I wonder if I have postpartum depression – I think about that a lot… and that makes me feel really stuck being this way.
I start questioning our marriage.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)HEAVENS Yes. Just take another look at that list above!

4. Who would you be without the thought?
*sigh....*
There would be nothing wrong. Things would be great, I would have power back in my life and I would be happy. I would celebrate accomplishments, I would feel like I was moving forward, I would be the boss of me. I would stay in my own business and therefore suffer less. I would love what I have and rejoice in it. I would be spontaneous, creative, witty, funny.
I would do things for him, take care of him (without keeping score!), and I would dream up little surprises for him, which he loves. I would be sweet and supportive to him. I would love him like crazy. (I DO love him like crazy, without my story.)
I would be the woman of his dreams and he would be the man of my dreams (again).
I would feel grateful for what I have.
I would be happy, and I would be happy with myself.
I would be peaceful.
I would feel close to God.

Turn the thought around.
He and I are still close.
This is true. For heaven’s sake, we live together, sleep together, eat together, care for our son together, hang out together. He even folds my underwear neatly when he does the laundry.

I am not close with me anymore.
This is way true. I don’t take that go-inside-and-sit-with-me time for myself. I don’t even have a little 'space' for myself in this house (is that true??)
I am mentally in his business and have therefore left ME. I am totally drifting away from me. I am not giving myself what I need in relationships and expecting my husband to give it to me. Not his job!

After having done this work, I find it so interesting that the 'distance' I feel is a result of simply THINKING that we are distant. I think we are distant, so I go right ahead and act distant. Yet another way of getting how I am the only one who upsets me...

"Falling Off the Wagon"

2007-01-14T14:12:00.000-07:00

This one came up at Christmastime.

With regard to eating, I have to be “all or nothing” – meaning, I am either 100% purely healthy or the whole thing goes down the toilet. I have been known as a health food nazi at times in my life. For five years I did not eat any sugar, dairy, or animal products and was completely vigilant about it. I even ate only 100% raw fruits, veggies, nuts, and seeds for a year. Then I got pregnant and started eating all kinds of things - chicken, fish, eggs, dairy, junk food, health food - no real self-imposed limits. I haven't been close to my 'old plan' since. I have tried and failed, and upon investigation, I noticed I live with the belief that in order for me to be successful at eating heathfully, I can not allow myself to eat anything I consider unhealthful, not even in the smallest amount, without falling off the wagon completely. "All or nothing."

Hubby helped me out with this one as we were driving to another Christmas party.

“I have to be all-or-nothing about food”

Is it true?
Yes, it’s true. I really do have to be that way.
No, seriously, it's the only way that works for me.

Can you absolutely know it's true?
OK, no, I can’t absolutely know it’s true. Just because I have been that way in the past does not necessarily mean that it is true for the future...or even true at all.

How do you react when you believe that thought?
I am totally rigid with myself. I am the health food nazi. I see sugar as the evil enemy that must be destroyed or at least avoided like the plague. I sure pay a lot of attention to the sugar, so much attention that I end up eating it. (Funny how that happens, eh?) Then I think that if I have eaten one piece of Christmas candy then I’ve blown the whole plan. May as well just go for it. I end up eating LOTS of pieces of candy, fudge, homemade caramel, dessert...and feel like I have to hide that. But it's sooo good....

I feel like a bad girl, out of control and hopeless. I feel like a hypocrite. I gain weight, feel horrible and get sick. I feel weak. I have been able to eat healthy in the past and I feel like I’ll never get back there again.

Eating healthy seems like an ideal that I will never reach.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? And I'm not asking you to drop it.
Yep, I can see a reason to drop the thought.

Who would you be without the belief "I have to be all or nothing"?
Now this really takes some imagining because I have never lived without the thought...

If I could look at Christmas candy without the thought “It’s all or nothing…” I would actually be FREE to have one piece, if that was what I wanted, or not, and stop after that. Or not! Either way, I would be conscious. I would realize that I’m actually hungry, and eating candy won’t fill me up; I could go find something REAL to eat that will leave me satisfied. And when I do eat that piece of candy, I wouldn’t think “Oh great, I’ve ruined it all now” but rather, I will savor it as a real treat.

Ironically, it’s likely I will end up making healthier choices naturally, because healthy stuff is what I really want anyway. There would be no ‘evil’ to resist and therefore I would be truly free to choose.

Turnaround:
It’s not all or nothing.
This is true. I realize that I actually do trust myself about what I do or don’t like to put in my body. When I am not confused in my thinking, I naturally make healthy eating choices.

My thinking is all or nothing.
(Sometimes Byron Katie uses “my thinking” in a turnaround)
This is true – when I am not conscious to my thoughts, they most definitely have me. Either my thoughts have me or I have my thoughts. No middle of the road here.

I arrived at the Christmas party totally freed up about food. I didn’t have any ‘charge’ on eating the so-called ‘right’ (healthy) way or not. I enjoyed myself, ate what I wanted, and left happy. I had some sweets and I had some healthy stuff. I even tried my sister's wasabi-teriyaki meatballs after not having eaten beef in five years. They were delicious. I ate two, and then I didn't want any more. I enjoyed the few sweets I had, but I gravitated toward the healthy stuff naturally and ended up eating more of that anyway.

The result?
No-drama eating. What a flippin' relief.
Oh and between Christmas and New Year’s I actually lost five pounds - a little unexpected side-effect of shedding some mental weight!

Living the Turnaround: Love Songs

2006-12-17T23:16:00.000-07:00

"Nobody can hurt me. That's my job." - Byron Katie

Byron Katie says that what hurts us - what we suffer about - is not what happens but rather, the painful conclusions we draw and then live out. I have found that to be true in my life, especially when I feel 'hurt' by someone else. I realize, through The Work, that they did what they did once and then I keep hurting myself over and over again.

I have also found that the key to freedom in any relationship is understanding the three kinds of 'business' in life that Katie talks about - yours, mine, and God's - and that when I am out of my own business, I suffer, period. What you do is your business. How I react to what you do is my business. When I leave me and go into your business (what I think you should have/shouldn't have done etc.) then there's nobody here with me. I feel alone and unloved, not because you left me, but because I left me.

So I woke up Saturday morning with Whitney Houston's song Heartbreak Hotel in my head for some strange reason. It's a typical "you hurt me" song that so many women can relate to, one of many popular songs expressing the same old pain over and over again. "Men shouldn't lie. Is that true?" What's the reality of it? Men lie. And so do women, especially to ourselves when we say that men shouldn't lie, when in reality they do! It's called being human. If we knew how to tell the truth all the time, we would.

One of the biggest lies of all is "I need your love in order to be happy."

Anyway, as I was singing the words, a switch flipped on in my mind and I decided to turn it all around. Suddenly it becomes an anthem to Katie's advice to give YOURSELF whatever you think others should give you. Fascinating! I think I discovered a whole new genre of music waiting to be released!

Heartbreak Hotel - the turnaround version

You said that you’d be here by nine
And said you took my time
You didn't think to call me

Here I sit trying not to cry
Asking myself why I do this to me

Since I’m not around for me to tell me baby, face to face
I'm writing me this letter, and this is what I have to say:

All I really wanted was some of my time
Instead I told me lies when someone else was on my mind
What I do to me
Look what I did to me

I thought that I was someone who would do me right
Until I play with my emotions and I made me cry
What I do to me
Can't take what I did to me

Now I see that I've been doing wrong
I played me all along, and made a fool of me, baby
I got it all wrong to think that I wouldn't find out
That I was cheating on me.
How could I do it to me?

This is the heartbreak hotel
This is the heartbreak hotel...

"My neighbors should bring their trash cans in"

2006-12-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

From October 17, 2006 9:10pm

I had recently moved to a new street and didn't like the view from my front porch. Every day I would look across the street at a duplex that housed a family on one side that never brought their trash cans in off the curb. Trash would overflow everywhere and blow all over the street. There was even a blue Rite-Aid shopping cart permanently parked in front of the house. I hated looking at it all and I hated finding their trash in my yard for weeks and weeks. I began to regret moving to this street and wondered if we'd made the right choice.

I had decided earlier to try The Work on something that seemed really petty and this seemed to be a good fit. Turns out I was the one that needed to pick up the garbage - in my thinking.

Through doing The Work, the most startling realization I had was that with the belief "My neighbors should pick up their garbage", I treat garbage as more important than people. Before doing The Work on this, I never even took the time to meet the family who lived there because all I could see was their trash. I hated people I didn't even know. I claim to be a 'loving' person, and that realization broke my heart.

The best part of this piece were the turnarounds and that's what I want to share in this post.

Here is what I wrote out on my "Judge Your Neighbor" Worksheet:

My neighbors should bring their trash cans in.
They should get rid of all their garbage in front of the house.
They make the street look like a dump.
It makes me angry to have to pick up their trash in my yard.
They are disgusting pigs and I want them to leave.
It’s disgusting that they would just leave it there, all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.
I can’t believe they just leave trash all over the place.
I hate looking at their garbage.
It makes the street look like a ghetto, makes my neighborhood look trashy.
They are bringing down the property value.
I hate looking at the view across the street – that duplex is a dump.

Now, check out these turnarounds....

I should bring my neighbors’ trash cans in.
-What looked like an fuming eyesore 10 minutes ago now genuinely occurs as an opportunity to love and serve my neighbor. For whatever reason, they aren't able to take care of their trash and I certainly have the capacity to do something about it. May as well take the shopping cart back to Rite-Aid while I'm at it...

I should get rid of all their garbage in front of the house.
-Yes! I'm the one who has a problem with it! And I should also get rid of all the garbage in my thinking.

I make the street look like a dump
-I can see that - I don't pick up the garbage - the garbage that I have a problem with. I don't do anything about it. I don't take care of my community.

I love to have to pick up MY trash in my yard.
-If it's in MY yard, it's MY trash! And I love keeping my yard clean so yes, this is totally true.

I am a disgusting pig and I want me to leave.
-Yes, when I make trash more important than people, that is really disgusting to me. I want me to leave the house, leave my trashy thinking, and go meet the neighbors.

It’s perfect that they would just leave it there, all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.
-That's right, because that's what is. It is perfect. I get to do The Work on it, I get to see where I am stuck, and I get to set myself free. All because of the trash. I am beginning to love the trash.
Side note: I can also see the possibility that God put me on this street just for these people. Who knows? And if He's going to use trash as a way to get my attention, it is indeed perfect that they would just leave it there all over the place for so long, and not do anything about it.

I can’t believe I just leave trash all over the place.
-Yep, that's right. I actually leave the trash in my front yard just to prove a point and make them wrong! "SEE! Your friggin' trash is in MY yard!"

I love looking at my garbage.
-That's totally true. I say I love transformation. And transformation, in my experience, is all about looking at your garbage.

It makes the street look like heaven, makes my neighborhood look perfect.
-With the belief, I treat God like a fool - like there couldn't possibly be any divine purpose in me being on this street with these neighbors and that garbage. Without the belief, I can see the possibility that this is exactly where I need to be. Also, when I just deal with what IS, and question the stressful stories I create, then I can see that things are perfect exactly as they are. And that is heaven.

I am bringing down the property value.
-True, by not picking up the trash in my yard, or the trash in my neighborhood. I am also bringing down the people value in my thinking.

I love looking at the view across the street – that duplex is wonderful.
-Yes, without the belief that "My neighbors should pick up their trash" I can actually see human beings over there - human beings just like me who are doing the best they can with what they have. If they knew how to pick up their garbage, they would. Without the belief I am returned to my deep commitment to love others and serve humanity. This duplex is no exception. I can honestly see that now.

After I did The Work, I was compelled into loving action - I couldn't help it - there wasn't anything I could do about it. With hubby's help, all the garbage was secretly cleaned up late one night and the shopping cart went home to Rite-Aid. The next weekend I took the opportunity to meet my neighbors - a two-year-old and a young single mom on government assistance. Ironically, they moved a month later. God must have a sense of humor.

"I should be able to do it all by myself"

2006-12-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

Saturday, December 9, 12:19AM

Being a new mom and caring for a child 24/7 can feel overwhelming...especially with this belief:

"I should be able to do it all by myself."

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
No. I notice I can’t.

3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I don’t ask for help. I CAN’T ask for help. I make unreasonable expectations of myself. I am disappointed when I don’t meet them. I try to get everything done and it doesn’t get done. I get frustrated. I go to bed angry, and wake up resigned. I refuse offers for help, and then I become a victim and a martyr of whatever needs to be done. I feel totally defeated and kicked in the butt by life.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
yes.

4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would see what I can and can’t do – I would be more realistic. I would allow others to help me. I would probably get more done and feel proud of whatever I accomplish. I would go to bed satisfied. I would outright ask for what I need and I would give honest answers when help is offered. I wouldn’t pretend that I can do everything and that would give me a lot of freedom and more honesty in my life. I like that.

Turn the thought around.
I shouldn’t be able to do it all by myself.
This is true – I notice that I can’t get everything done by myself.

I should be able to do it with the help of others.
Again, this is true. Nothing like stating the obvious...

"I can't do everything I have to do because I don't have enough time."

2006-12-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

From Sunday, February 5, 2006 8:16pm - I was really jammed up with school work and up against a deadline...

Belief: I can’t do everything I have to do because I don’t have enough time.

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
I suppose I could do everything somehow.
I suppose it could be done in the time I have, or even less.
No it is not true.

Possible follow-ups:
What is the reality of it? Did it happen?
It hasn’t even happened yet! But I am sure collecting a lot of evidence for it.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Only if I wait and do nothing, then I could say it was true.
But if that happened I would only know that it WAS true, and the jury would still be out on the future.

Possible follow-ups:
Can I know more than God/reality?
Nope. I suppose it is entirely possible for me to get everything done and manage all that there is to manage.

3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I get pissy. I cry. I resist. I kick and scream. I feel in a stupor. I get distracted. I make things extremely hard on myself and on others around me.

I feel tension in my head. In my stomach. In my eyes. My eyes burn, my head gets foggy, my spine gets slouchy and tired, my stomach gets hollow. It feels completely draining and deadening. I feel like I am stuck in concrete up to my neck. I have a headache and my jaw gets tense.

I don’t let Hubby support me, and then he feels powerless. I invalidate other people. I make them work really hard to get me sorted out.

I give myself no room and no space to screw up. I am incredibly hard on myself. In fact, I am impossible on myself. I get really negative. I resist doing anything and then I regret that I didn’t take actions. I am a drama queen, I get cranky, and I really limit myself.

I go down a deep dark tunnel. I lash out at everyone. I start unraveling the whole structure of my life. “I can’t do any of this” “I sold out” “this is all wrong” “this isn’t it” “I’ll never do anything right” “I can’t have what I want” “this sucks” “I don’t want any of this” “I don’t trust myself” “I am not in control of my life”

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Yes. I wouldn’t have all that crap up there.

4. Who would you be without the thought?

Peaceful, present, powerful. A celebration. Magical. Miraculous. I would be someone who amazes myself and others. I would be relieved. I would be energized, alive, vital, creative, and productive.

I would probably get stuff done and have more fun doing it. I would hold myself to a higher level of integrity. I would manage all there is to manage with a lot more power. I would give myself free time. I would take care of and nurture myself and be ruthlessly true to myself. I would probably trust God more and live by the Spirit more.

I would probably be easier on others and I would certainly be more cooperative – part of the team. I wouldn’t worry so much about getting things “right”.

Turn the thought around.
I can do everything I have to do and I don’t have enough time – YES – I can still do it – time has nothing to do with it.

I am able to do it all – yes.

In my thinking, I can’t do everything I have to do – YES, that is most certainly true!

I have enough time – true, I can see that I waste a lot of time thinking I don’t have enough time because I resist everything

It is possible to do everything I have to do and do it in time – yes, I can see that could be truer.

(Note: consequently, after doing this piece, I was able to get all the things done that I was certain I couldn't, and I did it in record time. I even went to bed early - something that was not predictable before I did The Work on it.)

"Dishes should not pile up!"

2006-12-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

Saturday, December 9, 2006 12:29 AM

A Quickie: Dishes should not pile up!

I notice I have a lot of stress when I see dishes in the sink...so here we go...

Belief: Dishes should not pile up in the sink!

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
No! There are always dishes in the sink! In piles! (When I argue with reality, I lose, but only 100% of the time...)

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
(I don't need to ask this question if the answer to #1 is no...)

3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I hate the dishes. I avoid them. I get angry at Hubby for not doing them. I seem to do dishes all the time. It seems I make more dirty dishes because I avoid dishes period. And then they stack up.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Yes.

4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would be peaceful about the dishes and just do them. Or not. I would accept dirty dishes as a fact of life. Look, there they are. Dirty dishes.

Turn the thought around.
Dishes should pile up in the sink.
-Yes. They do.
Dishes should not pile up in my thinking.
Yes. This is true. I have way better things to spend my energy on. I have to go now...

"Hubby should help more around the house"

2006-12-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

Friday, December 10, 2006 8:31pm

Hubby should help more around the house.
He should care as much as I do about keeping things clean and he should do more.
I would be happier if the housework was done and if he helped me more.

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
Yes.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
I can’t know what’s in my or his highest good. I can’t know what his path is. Also the reality of it is that Hubby does what he does, and that’s it. He cares about what he cares about and that’s it. And it’s his business what he does and what he cares about. So no, I can’t absolutely know that it’s true.

3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I get angry at Hubby. I blame him for a lot of things. I get angry when I see a trashcan with no liner, dishes in the sink, rotten pumpkins from Halloween still on the porch, trash cans out on the curb 2 days after pickup, dog poop in the yard, dog hair on the floor, empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom, overflowing laundry baskets, unfolded laundry, messy closets and rooms, and unmade beds. I blame Hubby for everything. And I am angry a lot!

I think I can know how much he cares. So I judge him as not caring enough, and I make him wrong for that too.

I feel small. I feel totally behind all the time and that makes me crazy. I feel completely dominated by all the things that are incomplete.

I treat Hubby like he is lazy, selfish, and unconscious. Like he is a jerk.

Sometimes I don’t clean the house just to prove a point.

I wait for him to acknowledge everything I have done and when he doesn’t I get upset.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)
Heavens yes.

4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would be more independent. I would see everything as mine, like a sense of ownership. I would take care of the things that I see need to be taken care of, out of love, not out of spite. I would just see what needs to be done and do it because it makes a difference for em. I would see all the things that need to be done as an opportunity to give myself a gift. Oooh, that would be cool! I would take pride in what I do. I would see the possibility of what bringing completion to each task could be. I might even perform each task fully present, like a meditation. I would be mindful of each task instead of mindless. I would see my home as my sacred domain and I could even see creating it as an expression of something wonderful instead of being run by looking good/avoiding looking bad.

Turn the thought around.
Hubby shouldn’t help more around the house.
Hm, I struggle with that one.
1- that’s the reality of it – he helps as much as he does
2- it’s not my business what he does
3- I get to do The Work on it and set myself free!

I should help more around the house.
Yes, this is true. I should be more helpful to myself around the house by letting go of unproductive thoughts.

I should help Hubby more around the house.
Yes, this is truer. I love him, and I can show my love for him by serving him - authentically. I could also help him clean his home office. I could ask him what he wants in our living space – like what he wants out of it, and create that so he feels he has some ownership. Take pride in stuff.
I also see that Hubby has done a LOT of stuff between the two houses and I could definitely try to help him more instead of giving excuses. I expect him to work twice as hard as I do and that is pretty brutal. I have excuses but I don’t tolerate his?!?!

Belief #2: “He should care as much as I do about keeping things clean and he should do more."
-I should care as much as I do about keeping things clean and I should do more. This is true!
-I should care as little as he does about keeping things clean and I should do less! YES this is true! I am the hyperactive housewife and I should give myself a break by caring LESS! Also I see that I could find ways to do less…by working smarter I suppose. Creating a system or a structure for what needs to be done and when, so I don't find myself spending all my time cleaning or whatever.

Belief #3:“I would be happier if the housework was done.”
I can’t know that’s true.

I would be sadder if the housework was done…
is this true? I would have less to do…
Yes, I guess I don’t have any interest in actually having the housework done because I notice I do a great job at keeping it dirty…

Turning around my judgments of him:
“Hubby is lazy, selfish, and unconscious. He is a jerk.”
I am lazy – yes, look at that bra just sprawled out on my dresser and that pile of shoes on the floor – I notice all the messes in the house I pretty much made…
I am selfish – yes, I want him to do what I want to do all the time, especially when it comes to the housework! I don’t even let him have his own thoughts and feelings about it!
I am unconscious – yes, especially about all of this. I didn't even realize until now that I am the one that makes the messes in the house that I have to clean up!
I am a jerk – yes, especially about all of this. I am a jerk to myself when I allow myself to be angry all the time about EVERYTHING.

"I should be on top of the housework"

2006-12-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

Friday, December 8, 2006 11:55PM

I should be on top of the housework.

Is it true?

No. I notice I am not on top of the housework.

How do you react when you think that thought?

I see everything that there is to do and I feel stress in my head. I get tired. I run around cleaning and organizing all the time. I don’t let myself rest until the work is done, and it’s never done, so I never actually rest or play. I feel behind, inadequate, incompetent, incapable, powerless, helpless, resentful, embarrassed, and small.

I get upset at hubby for not helping with the housework. I make him wrong for doing other things when I say he should be helping with the housework.

I get annoyed at baby for being an obstacle/interruption of the things I have to do.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)

Yes.

Who would you be without the thought?

I would probably move peacefully from one task to the next. I would be present. I would see things that are incomplete as an opportunity to bring completion. I would not make it wrong… I would see what is. Like, there are papers on the table. Wow. Instead of “What the crap are these papers doing on the table?!?!” I would see that the mess might actually serve me.
I would ask for hubby’s help, and baby would not be an obstacle or interruption. I could trust his timing.

Turn the thought around.

I shouldn’t be on top of the housework – true. I’m not. I never am.
The housework shouldn’t be on top of me. Yes. It is crushing me. Oh, and I can take care of myself first. House second. Instead of the other way around.
I should be on top of the house-play. YES! The keeper of PLAY in the house!
When I was a kid I loved playing house. Now I have a real hubby, a real baby, and a real house. It's time to play house!